How do I cope with my toxic parents?

[royal thicket]

Context, Im a little over 20, and have had depression for almost a decade now, which my very toxic father played no small part in contributing to. It doesn't help that most other members of my direct family do not understand or empathize with what im going through, and dismiss me as being sensitive, lazy and looking for excuses to avoid work and college, and that mental health isnt a big deal. I've come to the conclusion that the only viable outcome is for me to move out and just completely cut contact. I've already tried opening up to them and getting them to understand me and that I am trying, but for the former, they dont think its a big deal, the latter is that they always think they're right and im wrong, and ive realized that nothing i ever do can change that. I really really hate them, especially my father, to the point where sometimes i fantasize about physically attacking him. Im going through withdrawal symptoms from quitting my medication, so in the past few weeks and near future, these days I think about this daily, probably because every time I encounter my dad in the house, its like hes legally required to nitpick everything i do and make scathing remarks on sight. (this has always been a thing for years, not a recent occasion)

So now that we've established the part where reconciliation is impossible, and that the future goal is to move out, preferably as soon as possible, back to the question, how do i stop caring about what my toxic parents say? Alot of factors like a history of suffering from my parents barbed words, anxiety, trauma, adhd, combined with me currently dealing with daily high blood pressure to the point of having headaches from withdrawal symptoms, I fear i might do something related to rule 13 in rules before I save up enough money to move out and stay out permanently. Regardless of whether I move out asap, or save up enough money so that I can guarantee that I never have to come back? How do i endure the period of time before that?

One method could be to just ignore everything they say and pretend they dont exist, and just avoid them in the house, but that doesnt work

I've tried that with my dad in a way to retaliate for a while in the past, but i gave up after two years in because like i said earlier, If i encounter my dad he would immediately go nitpick and berate and put me down

the worst part is he would actively go out of his way to go verbally harass me, i.e, i starve myself until everyones asleep and go to get something to eat, he hears and wakes up, comes over and goes on with his usual spiel about how im useless, or unfilial, or weak willed,

during the time period where i tried to completely ignore that man, and never even utter a word to anyone while im in the same room, one of the ways he would "retaliate" against me is threatening to stay in the dining room the entire day, as I always waited for him to leave the room before going to go eat

To sum it up, trying to ignore wont really help

honestly I dont really have much ideas to combat this issue, and I could just endure it, but i just cant, one encounter with him for half a minute when he happens to be at home and i happen to go downstairs to get something to eat is more then enough to ruin my day or two, and make me distracted from trying to learn anything online or do any form of self improvement

Theres the option of burying myself in work, and just staying outside the house, but the only type of job i think i would enjoy requires skills that i am still in the process of learning, i've never been able to keep a job after a few months, i just feel so miserable and tired to the point where even though none of the jobs ive attempted in the past where full time, all my thoughts when outside of work are related to work and how hate it, am tired of it, etc and i cant focus on anything, but if i cant focus on anything, i cant make steps towards building the skills neccessary for the job i actually want to do, but ironically if i quit the job, ill never be able to accumulate enough funds to move out

either of the options combined with trying to live with my parents brings me back to square one

[proven crown]

Can u Dm me tmrw abt what happened?

[royal thicket]

uh ok, what time would be convenient for you, and can you be more specific about what i should talk about

[proven crown]

or jst msg me lemme see tmrw and help u with that

[proven crown]

Just share how u feel i will read what hpnd since u put it up here

[royal thicket]

in general over the years i feel like shit, and right now i feel significantly more shit then normal, which is already pretty bad

to be more specific, i have not really felt happiness ever since i got depression, maybe there were a few occasions where i do, like getting a lucky gacha roll . or doing some crazy outplay in a video game, but of course i would quickly remember that an achievement like that is worthless , to the current me at least, and the spiritual satisfaction would wear off quickly

alot of the times when i play video games or read webnovels, i feel like im just doing something to pass the time

eating good food also doesnt really bring any joy, but that doesnt stop me from eating unhealthily and trying to chase that high , and very rare occasion i get some semblance of joy like the lucky gacha roll or outplay in a game, again, its not enough to last more then a few minutes tops

theoretically if one were to force me to rack my head for an event where i would be genuinely happy , only one event would come up, which is when i achieved a really high rank in an online game, but that also quickly faded away when i woke up the next day and realized that such an intangible achievement is worthless, and no1 around me would care anyways. While it didnt stop the me of the next few years from chasing that high, that high never came back ever again

I could expand more on that but its not relevant to the main topic of how to deal with my toxic parents