a place for me to yap about random topics because i have things circulating my brain 24/7
#rias digital diary
outer lark
outer lark
i truly envy people who are like chronically OFFline and have the ability to stay disciplined like i want to be able to be in a strict routine but then i contradict myself because when it gets too structured i get tired aswell.. and with the chronically offline thing since i was like a little kid ive always like had this kind of weird thing like i NEED to impress everyone like i was so genuinely desperate for external validation from literally anyone and everyone (and probably still am) that like im constantly adapting if that makes sense im always quoting random internet references and would do risky bullshit just for an ounce of validation. basically i feel like ive based my entire personality around what other people think is cool ?? and then thats evolved into an identity crisis ?? i think its genuinely like inspiring when people dont have social media or like have THEIR own personalities that they’ve actually cultivated themselves
like wdym you dont know what lmao means thats so endearing
rias digital diary
also im fucking walking to work as im writing this because my stupid brain got distracted.. i need to be there for 10am and its currently 9:48 kill me
outer lark
i truly envy people who are like chronically OFFline and have the ability to sta...
not only do i wish i was disciplined i wish i was like forced into a sport when i was a kid too
like i could’ve been winning medals by now
why dud you let me have a childhood
💔💔
outer lark
also im fucking walking to work as im writing this because my stupid brain got d...
craziest thing is im not even panicking rn like i should be im gonna be late as shit but im oddly calm
its like my nervous system did a whole switcharoo and said no lets make her anxious about socialising instead of things she should actually be worrying about
outer lark
part of growth is like.. having a strong support system right? i feel like there’s no way i can achieve that because i have a grand total of 4 family members that i still speak to (and even then, 2 of those i live with and the other 2 its like every couple weeks and im not really close with them). if i were to try to make real friends id just end up feeling selfish because i know deep down they probably wouldn’t like me if they actually got to know me, like i would constantly feel like im lying to them. ive seen this happen too im very easy to get bored of or i say the wrong thing etc etc.
like ive made acceptance with the fact that im never really going to be anyones first choice, with every friendship ive ever had there has always been someone they are closer to or would choose if it came down to it !!! like there have been the odd few who considered me a best friend but i know they fucking lied because it didnt take them much to leave lol. even with my family members i cant be their first choice because i have a brother lol (not that i have anything against that, they SHOULD love us equally but it would just be nice to not have to share someone’s no.1 spot if ykwim