I grew up as an only child. My parents divorced when I was very young.
I lived with my mom growing up. My dad visited every few months and came to my birthdays,
so I never felt completely abandoned, but he also wasn’t consistently present.
Since I was little, I developed the habit of hiding my feelings.
I didn’t want to burden my mom, so I learned to keep things inside instead of expressing them.
As a teenager, after a family conflict, I cut contact with my dad.
He hadn’t been very present that year, and when he suddenly showed up during a problem,
I felt like it meant nothing. I pushed him away and stopped talking to him.
Academically, I used to be excellent. I performed very well in school and was capable of focusing,
working hard, and achieving strong results. I was disciplined and confident in my abilities.
Later, after my 4-year relationship ended, I lost stability.
That relationship had been the first place I felt fully understood without needing to explain myself.
When it ended, I didn’t fall apart publicly, but internally something shifted.
I couldn’t focus properly and eventually had to repeat my academic year because I wasn’t mentally
stable.
Shortly after the breakup, I started receiving calls from an unknown number.
At first, a woman introduced herself as my aunt. She told me my dad was very sick and wanted to
see me.
Later, she admitted she was actually his wife.
#What's been going on...
verbal horizon
That’s when I found out he had been married and that I had three younger siblings —
something I had never been told.
She even mentioned a lake trip from years ago. I remembered that trip clearly.
My dad had introduced her at the time as my aunt.
Realizing later that she had actually been his wife changed how I saw that memory.
It made me understand that important things had been hidden from me for a long time.
The calls continued for about a month. She put the children on the phone to talk to me.
They spoke about school and normal things.
I didn’t react emotionally. I felt blank. Eventually I blocked the number and never processed it.
Right now I study in another city and live there alone during the week.
I isolate a lot, avoid people, and don’t go out much.
When I go back home on weekends, I act normal so my mom doesn’t worry.
So I never fully relax anywhere.
Academically, I’m repeating the year and my current average is low.
If I fail again, I risk being excluded. That fear feels catastrophic,
like it would confirm that something is fundamentally wrong with me.
Mentally, I deal with constant anxiety and racing thoughts.
Sometimes I feel heavy and empty at the same time.
There have been moments where I wished everything would just stop —
not because I want to die, but because I’m exhausted from the pressure