WARNINGS, mentions of suicide
I've read a few online journals and it urged me to make one for myself, these will about the ups, downs, emotional rollercoasters, and even little things in my life.
#A Journal For Myself
solar hornet
Day 1
Nothing yettt
Im not sure if I want to write about what I SHOULD write about here.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I miss him
I miss J
He's sleeping right now
Why do I miss him even though I we talk everyday?
We just spoke to eachother a few hours ago.
Iis it because I feel alone?
I do feel alone
I never do truly open up my feelings do I?
Ah, but that's the first few steps to healing.
Alright here we go, I have just read how to actually journal -_-
Day 1 p.2
Mind Observing + Progress Tracking
Missing J at 1:55AM
I feel a bit more hopeless tonight
Maybe because I feel as if Im going to lose him
Why?
The fear of disconnecting maybe
That's happened alot
Through old friends, family members/relatives,
I act as though I am an unmoveable stone, unable to react or notice
But really I
Notice everything
And Im foolish for not doing anything about it
becuase Im afraid to cry becuase they might judge me
That might be all for tn
Monday Feb. 23rd
End of entry
Gnight
Ig
solar hornet
AHHH
There's a relationship thingie majig
bru
What am I doing with myself
GO TO SLEEPPPP
WYD
solar hornet
Day 2
Mon. Feb. 23rd 2026 8:30 pm
Currently caught red handed
and my curfew has decreased
till 9
sigh
why are you willing to risk your freedom for just a bit more time?
When you have it all you still risk it for a fleeting moment.
I wish I talked more w J tdy
We haven't been hitting off welllll
I want to have more fun and comfortable moments w him :]
moments where we laugh and are comfortable w eachother
not spending time on anything else but just the two of us
Tht might be it for tn
Gnight ig
solar hornet
Day 3
Fri. Feb. 27th 2026
Hi there, I haven't journaled in a min.
I'm doing better
Maybe its because I actually sleeppppp, everything has been alright so far. My flute learning is going really good, I cna somewhat keep up with my school band! Really proud of myself.
I should pratice more at home though :]
My usual day is so far,
Wake up
Shower
Get dressed
Eat breakfast
Go to school
Finish school
Get home
Eat lunch
Spend my time online
Eat dinner
Spend time online
Wash up for the night
and finally Go to sleep.
There's little bits too
I message J often
He's really sweet, most loving person I have ever met!
He is usually now playing siege, and improving by the day
(Psssst, here's a little secret... Don't tell anyone.. but my friend dowloaded polybuzz on my phone 🤦♀️ and eversince then I have become a therapist to ai bots -_-)
(Idk why but I enjoy helping them in the made up situations)
(Hm, idk)
solar hornet
Day 4
Sun. March 1st 2026.
Happy Black History Month!! :]
Im so damn tired of myself
I cant even be there for the one I love when he's opening up.
The one time hes opening up about his struggles and Im too busy
Cant do anything
Ah.
Im so sh#tty.
I want to do something
Anything
Anything at all
He says the thought counts
But I know
That it really doesnt.
I wish I could do more than just offer sweet words.
But that's really all I can do.
He's across the world from me and living in poverty.
What can I do?
Im so useless, weak.
I need to do better.
I need to be more serious
and work toward the life I want.
with him, not worrying
With him knowing his family will rest an easy life.
I want to do this for him
I want to live for him
I need to be mroe serious about my life.
I need to do something about my life.
I will take tiny steps from now on
Pushing myself to become better
To do better
Than just having good enough grades.
solar hornet
I SAY THAT BUT YOUR BAD HABITS ARE STILL HERE
GO TO SLEEP
WYD
HES GONNA BE MAD IF HE FINDS OUT UR AWAKEEE
DUPIDDD
Gnight!
solar hornet
Day 5
Fri. Mar. 6th 2026 9:50 PM
HELLOWW
I feel awdully accomplished after completing an assignment that I really didn't want to do
It's not that I didn't want to actually do it
It's more so that I had no motivation to do so
BUT now that I have finished it
And I do have to say
I'm a bit proud of myseld >:]
myself*
I think it'll pass atleast
I feel very accomplished for having finished it
It's not bad
It's not shabby
I like it
Hmm
Maybe I should've not made the titles disappear at the end
welp
Cant change it
already handed it in
I feel like a proffessor
:]
Have I said I feel very accomplished yet?
It's been awhile since I've felt this way
GOOD MOOD LETS GOOO!
professor*
I'll hit some game time then
solar hornet
Hi
Day 6
Fri. April 10th 2026 10:29 pm
I'm so awful, I got overly defensive on a topic with my boyfriend and I exploded. Not in rage or anything like that. I didn't threaten him or anything. I just really felt defensive on the topic. It was about how he said that "Sports anime characters were "gay and zesty" " But really there's nothing wrong with that. He called it bad and I thought of "What if I was the person who voiced it," I know i'd feel terrible knowing people called me so-and-so. He said it was a joke after we had the argument, but now he says, "Imagine what you'd be like if I made other jokes in the future" I just feel. So awful.
And now he's apologizing for everything
I don't want him to apologize
I recognize my mistake
I just
feel so mentally tired
and exhausted
solar hornet
Day 8
Wednesday, April 29th 2026
HES. SO. DAMN. CUTE.
WHEN HE WAS A TINY CHILD
AHHHHHHH
I LOVE HIM IN THE PAST
AND I LOVE HIM NOW
AGHHHHHH
HES SO
RAGHHHHHH
Him as a baby was just
Adorable
Huggable
Cute
Eensy
AND SO VERY
LOVABLE
He still is
💜💚
AHHHHHHH
I LOVE HIM SO MUCH