i feel lost

[light bridge]

recently i failed to get in 2 certain colleges which i personally desired most for but unfortunately didn happen but ever since my parents haven been thrice more hard on me.. using things to abuse orally, calling names even as far as wishin my d**th and all these.. i feel really drained out mentally and heavily depressed from all the surrounding pressure n the way its portrayed like i ruined my familys life n im like a curse etc. Aside that i have really abusive parents, mostly physically since i was a kid which stopped after 7th grade due to an unintentional accident by them but after that its all verbal abuse.. i genuinely feel lost of the time.. aside that due to other issues their own relationship hasnt been good since past 10 years which also affected me as a child but all in all no one truely looked after me mentally n i was burdened with expectations and loads of pressure for years.. gashlighting, guilt tripping, playing victim with me all these is very commonly done on me by my mother specifically.. i genuinely dont know what i feel atp, indecisive behavior, empty mind, zoning out, unable to focus on anythg, hypersomnia, insomnia, low self esteem etc all of it seems to worsen every year cuz of them. I dont know what to anymore after recent incident because everything tripled n my mum specifically tells me k/m/s, n i ruined her life, n all these things to me everyday.. dad never was supportive of me n always said negative things. i feel like ive broken beyond by them over the course of last 10 years till now, i get loads of bad thoughts these days but i genuinely dont want to do smthg thatd possibly ruin my life but again i really badly want to be away from them n whenever i think that i get emotionally controlled by my mum into thinking they love me n im better here.. mentally idk what to feel anymore idk even if im depressed or what i want.. i jus want to b away from them n only thing available for me seems to js k/m/s which i dont want to do but again idk

i feel lost

[winged moon]

That's a lot of stress right there, uk try to distract urself from them, avoid convos with them, talk less as much as possible with them alr? and please don't blame urself for anything going on alr? u aren't a burden or anything like that. Don't try to end ur life or smthg like that cuz it won't release ur pain entirely. Therefore its just a suggestion tho and is it not possible to get into some other college? the ones u desired couldn't accept u so..or u could repeat the grade and get acceptable marks for the college? its just a suggestion idk much about it

[glass lion]

Honestly i think you should focus on getting into a college that is nice enough to have opportunities but not necessarily a dream college because you can not be expected to go to ivy league schools when your parents treat you like that it’s unfair to you its unfair to your health and its very important that you get out of that environment because the last thing you need is constant stress, doubting, and anxiety.

You can do amazing things im sure of it but you need to get free of that environment so you can truly shine in your own resilient way

[light bridge]

thanks im tryin for other colleges right now but they arent letting me apply somewhere far from my city or moving out worthy :(( tbh if they did id def go for it esp abroad but my options r limited n lowk chained mentally to listen to wtvr they r telling me to do while framing it like ive been given "independence (invisible)" to prepare my ideal future etc when they mostly just want smthg out of me to increase their reputation as usual

[glass lion]

I think that once you fully move out your free to stay in contact or cut contact with them

youre an adult and if they think they can control you any longer their wrong

[light bridge]

yeah itll take few years unfortunately, considering how in my country without finishing honours u cant do much