mild peak
I'll be as brief as I can. For the last 7 years I have been in a weird state. It's like I don't feel anything for a couple of months and then I'm in the worst state I've ever been for a couple of weeks. It's a constant cycle. Depending on outer factors of my life it gets more or less severe. I've tried every single distraction/hobby in the book healthy or harmful. Reading, embroidery, yoga, smoking, drinkg, hookups, meditation, religion. EVERYTHING.
I was never that well, but at least before i could function properly and take care of my responsibilities. Now it's getting more and more difficult to do anything. I think this is one of my worst times. I have self isolated to the point that I went from having a decent sized friend group to basically having no contact with friends/family. I can't sleep and when I can I don't allow myself to for some reason. I can barely remember anything. I push things off till the last minute. I think about my future and I can't find anything exciting about it. In my country mental health is kind of a taboo subject so I avoid talking about it.
Today I tried therapy for the first time, but it only reminded me of some depressing stuff from my childhood. I don't think I will continue, mostly cause I'm broke. But I think even if I had the financial means I wouldn't keep going there, cause even if there IS something wrong I really don't wanna know. A diagnosis would make it actually serious.
It's been SEVEN years, I'm 19 years old, this is almost half my life. I don't wanna live like this anymore.
mild heron