feral lance
As a person who suffers from persistent depressive disorder (Dysthymia, documented) when I'm not... say, depressed,
I don't know what I feel.
-# Feel free to talk here. Do note I am really dry almost 24/7
-# This post is not about my depression, but rather how I find it hard to feel emotions. Might change if I do relapse.
-# I cope with art and poetry. May appear here instead of the channels for it.
It's the first time I'm feeling like this.
-# I am unmedicated, by the way. Rule that out.
In the past, even while I was still suffering day and night with depression, lack of motivation ect., I could still feel.
I could still care for people, whether it was classmates, friends, or my bestfriend (now boyfriend).
But now that I find myself feeling "better", I realize I kind of mirror emotions instead of feeling it.
For example: If I'm sitting among my ring of friends and I see them laugh or smile, I may just follow along without feeling anything. I even doubt myself if what I'm doing is dishonest.
Should I just be a blank slate?
Because I really feel drained after mimicking more than feeling for days and weeks at a time.
And now I'm really concerned because I don't know if I love my boyfriend or not.
I feel as if I only became his boyfriend because I mirrored his care (even if I know deep down that I love him, but I just don't feel it to the extreme).
It's very distant. But always there. A thought in the back of my mind that tells me I'm not normal, that I should feel something.
That I should love my boyfriend.
So why don't I feel real
feral lance
I don't know what I feel [Advice? Ping me]
low dragon
@feral lance Sounds a lot like anhedonia imo, would you agree?
It must suck to not feel and only be able to mirror emotions rn, I'm sorry for that. But mirroring emotions and 'acting' them out actually often tricks your brain into feeling that way for real (look into facial feedback hypothesis more if you're interested). But yes, if you're doing it a point where you're feeling drained and exhausted, it might be good to step back a bit and let yourself be. Also, I'd advise not judging yourself for feeling or lack of feeling in your case; it's valid to feel the way you are doing rn, and especially common with dysthymia. Try to engage in activities that still intrigue you and make you feel better, only if just a smidge (could be something passive too like watching stand-up comedy or sad movies etc).
I relate to not knowing whether you love someone, because you just feel numb and apathetic - but I think you do. You wouldn't have 'mirrored' his love/affection in the first place if you didn't. Besides, I'm sure if he was struggling with something, you'll still want to help him and be there for him because you care for him - maybe ask yourself what you'd do in a hypothetical like that. Forcing yourself to feel something only makes you aware that something is 'wrong' with you because it doesn't work, just like forcing yourself to not feel something doesn't (and is unhealthy). Besides, there's often people in relationships (even couples who've been married many decades) that don't 'feel' love towards their partners, but they still show up for them and support them - I firmly believe after a point (after the lovey-dovey honeymoon phase passes) love is a choice you make at the end of the day
feral lance
<@1277220948868726825> Sounds a lot like anhedonia imo, would you agree?
It mus...
Yeah it does sound a bit like anhedonia.
I think I've read something about mirroring emotions and tricking yourself into feeling, but I'm not sure I feel that way.
I'm actively aware that what I'm acting out is not what I'm feeling. And I think people can somewhat tell it's not real. Kind of makes me uncomfortable.
About the step back thing, I attempted it once, but I can't. A little hard to explain, but I find myself mirroring around people. All the time. It's not like I can just tell myself to stop. Maybe I just don't know how. I don't know.
I've been thinking that maybe if I distance myself from people I could stop mimicking them so I won't be so tired.
I guess I'm just a little scared to have my boyfriend leave me if he found out I didn't love him as much as he loved me. I just want him to see I'm trying.
But thank you for your input. It is much appreciated. I will try to do some activities with my boyfriend
feral lance
I don't like it.
I hate how I can't feel how I'm supposed to. I remember there used to be more meaning to every day when I was younger. But now it's just boring, to put it simply.
It just feels off, in a way. I can't describe it.
I have these thoughts, or lack thereof, where I get a moment alone for once and just... not feel anything at all about what happened that day. I'm sure any other person might dwell on the day, think about what they could've done better, and forget about it.
Well, I do, too. But it's so dull. I'm not even disappointed when something goes wrong. Used to it? I don't think I should get used to peer pressure/harrasment. Not gonna detail that much.
I think I should feel something. Feel without relying on other people, I mean.
Because, and I'm saying this again, I am a lively person with friends (faked, to clarify), I can seem uncomfortable, I can be passionate. But I don't know if I really feel it. Maybe a little, but really it's dulled to the point of nothingness. Distant, as if watching someone else feel.
I don't even draw or write for fun anymore. I doubt myself when I do.
Because who cares. Most don't even notice me.