#My journal

107 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

noble silo
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I just want to pour my thoughts here , i think its very important that i have a safe space where i can keep on just yapping

noble silo
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I am so sleepy

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But after sleeping i feel horrid

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Because of nightmares and stuff

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I mean i am not feeling tired anyways so whats the point of sleeping right

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Hmm

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I am feeling hungry again

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I just want to eat those fancy ramen bowls

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But with extra noodles

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And i want a lot of chicken in that

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Along with fried and boiled eggs

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And lots of noodles

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Like i have always loved noodles without vegetables

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Healthy not at all

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But tasty yes

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Really tasty

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And just a cool drink with that

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Like apple juice or cold coffee

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I love cold coffee with ice cream

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I freaking love it

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I forgot what i wanted to talk about

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The usual i guess

noble silo
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I mean i kind of knew that she would be angry
Its the normal thing to do

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And i guess she is taking that anger out by ignoring me which yeah hurts the most

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But in real life consequences are there too

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A few days ago if she had stopped talking to me then i didnt know how to handle myself

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But now

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I mean i can handle it at least

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Cause i know i need to be a better person

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Its not easy but at least i am trying and maybe just maybe its worth it

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I am still so scared that i check the lock on my door a dozen times

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Sometimes i just wake up screaming in the night

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Afraid that someone has break in my room

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In these turbulent traumatic times i wished for someone to lean on

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And yeah having a support system and someone who can help us when we are at our worst does help a lot

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But yeah

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Its just not possible all the time

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Life is never fair i believe

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Destiny doeswhatever it finds funniest thw most

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Kind of makes sense i guess

noble silo
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Feeling like shit right now

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Talking to someone all day and then when then that person starts ignoring you then it feels like a part of you has left

noble silo
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I have kinda started getting jealous on how many friends people have
I know its a envy thing and not a positive outlook but i just am
Cause for me finding and making friends just seems so impossible

noble silo
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While writing my exam i got a really bad panic attack

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Now i cant even get up

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I am literally falling apart
Every breath feels painful

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And even after so many years my condition is still the same

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Even after so many tries i am still all alone at my worst

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Why did i have to be so cursed

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Like why

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Literally everyone has so many people to lean on

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I am so tired on leaning on my own shoulders

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It hurts so much

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My entire body pains

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I feel like i am sinking in an abyss

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I somehow walked back

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I was falling every second

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And now i dont know what to do

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This is no way to live

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This is nothing but a curse

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Having anxiety and panic attacks and strokes

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For god's sake i am 21

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Not a 70 year old man

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Fuck

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I am sure i am going to suffer alone forever

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Who knows for how many years

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Hopefully not too many

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I might be a good support to others but yeah
I guess i am indeed cursed to jusy feel this way

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Of helping and still being all alone

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What the fuck i am supposed to do

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How am i supposed to even handle this attack

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Yeah

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Feels like i am indeed going crazy

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But who cares anyways

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So yeah

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Just someone vanquishing in the darkness

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I am tired of begging fir a shoulder tk lean on

noble silo
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Great now i am sick

noble silo
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Horrendous nightmares galore

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Great life

noble silo
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I didnt thought i would get through this , i just wanted to run away but here i am still alive
Broken but alive

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Really broken though

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Alive but barely living

noble silo
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Wow

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Feels like i am dying of pain

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So great

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Super awesome

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Shit my eyes burn so bad

noble silo
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Why is it when i am burning high in fever

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Even then i cant have someone by my side

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Is it asking for too much?

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But no ofcourse people dont want to be near me

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Its so fun

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Begging and craving for just a single message from someone in a world of billions of people

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Its fantastic

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Such a great life

noble silo
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Headaches suck

noble silo
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Drowning in pain

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Meant to drown forever

noble silo
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A few more to go and i will officially have three digit numbers for the amount of people who have hurted and left me

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Yayyy

noble silo
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Had one of the worst i have felt

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Felt so socidal

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And the result?

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Got blocked and left by everyone

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We are close to the end

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Thats so great