Life

[steady cloak]

Well, 15, ughh it's kinda one of the most crucial years, some say its the most common year to get a first kiss by someone, man, first kiss, I can't imagine how good would that feel. I think attack on titan really just explains it all, everyone is a slave to something, everyone's got to be drunk on something to keep them moving on in life. It's like life is a person with boxing gloves, punching me every single time with something even worse than before, until I fall to rock bottom. Rock bottom feels like I familiar place to me now, I've been pushed and punched there at the point that it feels like home. I know it seems egotistical, assuming people around me have lives of sunshine and rainbows, but I don't care anymore, the amount of suffering I endured in my life is astonishingly painful, and I still find a reason to get up. I want to get loved by someone, I want someone to ask about me, I want to ask about them back, I would leave the whole world behind with that person and spend the rest of my life just talking to them.

I am not saying this metaphorically, I have literally been bullied my entire life, every single fucking year, I've been put in a room full of mindless undisciplined degenerates that don't have anything to do in their life other than being fucking assholes. Ever since Grade 1, I have been emotionally traumatized and beat up. My parents knew about this, and they switched me into a new school at Grade 6, I told myself that if I treat people nicely, and get well with them, I'd form a happy friendship, I didn't care about grades, I was a straight A student, all I cared about was trying to find someone, ONE person, that feels me, and I feel them, loves me, and I love them, and I can vent without them getting immature.

As you would expect, Grade 6 was a failure, so was 7, 8, and 9. I was getting called a pencil (I was skinny). Weirdo, nerd and all the typical stuff, and that meant people would get away from me, and I kinda got used to being alone.

Being alone granted me peace, I was always a extremely shy and introverted person, usually I made "background friends" when people came to introduce themselves to me, I loved getting appreciated by them, but they cared more about people who are more social and have something to talk about in their life, they eventually became a loose bond, just exchanging looks and that's it.

After Grade 9 I went to another school, I was tired and frustrated, maybe it was me, I was the problem, no one seemed to be around me because am shy and introverted. What if I just put on a mask and become extroverted and try to be social with people as high as possible? I entered high school (GCSE High school starts at 10) in a new school, everyone seemed to be friends with each other already, no one wanted to be friends with the overly social guy, instead, I got bullied and got into fights, eventually no one but a special ed kid who was also excluded from the class tried to become friends with me, I kept the relationship on background because we weren't friends and the vibe between us wasn't it.

I don;t think anyone is going to read all of this

So much work for people in this server to handle the feeling of new people joining in

I don't want to be a burden

I guess I'll leave this at that for now...

I just hope somebody sees me

[cerulean carbon]

Hey, I just want to say I read everything you said and it honestly broke my heart No one deserves to go through that kind of pain or loneliness You didn’t deserve to be treated that way not then not now The fact that you still get up and keep going even after everything shows how strong you really are
You’re not the problem You were just surrounded by people who didn’t see your worth and that’s on them I know it might not mean much coming from me but I care and I’m here if you ever want to talk vent or just not feel alone for a while

[tropic current]

I did read everything on this. The aot quote was good it’s one of my favourite and I still think about it to this day. And I also understand the feeling of being loved and cared for and just being seen by another person. I never felt that so I can imagine how it is for someone else to not feel that. Thank you for sharing your story