My diary where I reflect on my life.

[iron temple]

25/10.

Hi dear diary. Today I finished Omori,  I ended up with my mind destroyed and me staring at the screen for half an hour. I decided to look up the fandom, and... They seem a bit crazy haha. I wonder what it'd be like to have my own white space.

After another long gaming marathon, I came back to draw, I drew a lot, so I did some basics today, and I realized I needed to improve my observation for proportions, I'll be working on that tomorrow.

It's curious, every day I don't have to go to university, I only think of  either a videogame, a code, or a drawing I'm making. I don't really have an outside life, as Omori had his sketchbook, laptop and a tissues box. I've got everything but the tissues box. I'm also feeling very weak, a sedentary lifestyle having consequences? I don't have a great motivation to exercise myself, nor take a look out and try to connect with some people. I'm still wondering if I'm doing something wrong.

27/10

Hi dear diary, I skipped writing yesterday because I didn't feel like doing it. So I'm here again.

Well, today was... A long day in the bad meaning of the word. Firstly when I was going to university, the damn bus took 40 minutes to arrive, I was worried about being late and when I arrived, surprise, the teacher cancelled classes. So I worried about nothing. Secondly, I have 3 hours free, and another surprise, classmates look for me to help them with things about calculus. No one really wants to keep company with me. And then in the linear algebra class we have to do a ducking project. I mean, wasn't it enough to have two fucking projects for one month? What's the fucking need of the damn university to add a third one? FUCK THEM!

University feels so draggy, I'm just there counting every second to come back. Without any real friend, is there really something thrilling about staying there? Everything felt grayish, both metaphorically and literally because it started raining.

So after this draggy moment at university, I took the bus, and I got stuck almost 2 hours in a jam. I just wanted to come back. When I arrived, at least I was in my space and I spent the day on my PC.

I noticed that, I haven't been feeling happy these days, and I only can cheer up a bit when I'm at home. Maybe it's because I still have some of the aftermath from playing Omori, but it's rather something rubbing on my face how lonely I feel outside my home. I'm unmotivated to keep up with anything. Talking about Omori (gosh this game affected me so much) I feel reflected in sunny, except from the heavy part hehe, my whitespace to run away from all of this, my home and my room, where at least I can do what I like.

28/10
Hi dear diary. This day was a bit the same, I'm not feeling any longer happiness so far. I think the reason I'm obsessed with Omori is because seeing children forming a bond... Kinda reminds me? It really hurt in the game, how everyone distanced themselves. It reminded me how I missed part of my childhood. Maybe it's the reason I want to have a childlike friendship. Isn't it warm? Dreamy? Innocent?

I don't know if adult life will bring me this desire, if I just need to "mature" and accept that I missed that kind of friendship for being isolated as a kid.

Traveling on the bus, I realized I wanna get rid of this. I don't want to be the *push away", isolated, hard myself. Be more soft, open and kind. Even if I don't wanna be the party soul, I'd like to be more kind with others, literally be basil without a flower crown. (Yes, I'm hyper fixating on a game and now I relate everything to it someway)

29/10.

I tried to make the changes, but it's really hard. Maybe I could count as a win that I helped a girl from the right faculty to carry a table. We shared some words, and even if I won't see her again, I think it was ok. About the rest, just the same, arriving home to draw or studying.

30/10.

Nothing interesting happened yesterday, I'm still in the asocial isolated cycle. I improved my drawing skills a bit more though, it's all.

31/10.

Nothing happened again.

1/11.

Hi dear diary, as everyday that I'm not in university, it was just a full day of gaming, drawing and studying. I haven't drawn today because I was hyper fixating again in my videogames. Though at least my parents took me out of my room to celebrate an event.

Outside, my mom asked me if I was bored, because of my neutral face that usually doesn't show a smile, I replied "This is what my face looks like". I don't know if I said something wrong, the tone, or whatever, but she got a bit mad for me being "rude". It didn't get worse though, it was fixed very quickly.

When the event finished, I came back home and two classmates chatted with me to talk about things they needed for the University. Like a topic they forgot, or when's the exam. It makes me feel annoyed, like, my number is just there to be the work reminder, and it's not only with them. My phone only had calls and messages from my university's classmates about work.

Heck, this made me remember that at the beginning of this year, I even tried to befriend two girls when university began at January. They ended up hanging out together even more, and I was just trying to follow behind. When vacations started in June, they already had planned their schedules to match classes together, a group of boys that I hung out sometimes also did among them, I also heard they've been playing a lot, and me? Well... Just lonely holidays locked in.

I have my family, but, sometimes watching fiction, and now with my hyper fixation with Omori. I realized that having a group of friends is something  very beautiful, yeah I know that fiction is not a representation of reality, but my point is still there.

And I don't know what's going on with me. I'm usually very reserved, it's hard to say good things about others, ask someone I know out, say what my mind and heart wants to say. I don't feel very comfortable among them, even if I wanted to have someone beside me, is it my fault? Is it that we don't just vibe and it's all about the academy?

No one knows what I like, or who I'm besides the good student of class. I feel that my personality would push others away. A childish personality that wants to geek out about my likes. Not childish in an immature way, or I hope so, but rather in the things I like, how I'd act, me being corny and a softie if I got the chance.

I think the reason no one really thinks of me as a true friend, is because of my own distant personality. Someone who feels awkward being with people and can't have a good conversation with them, or just doing something. I always leave when I'm with the people, they do too. I'm always trying to avoid looking at them when I meet them at the University, maybe to avoid interaction for some reason.

This is something that I've been wanting to change, but my mind is so locked in that it looks impossible. I don't even have the urge or love to socialize. Is that maybe I'm just an introvert? Still that doesn't help me with this part about myself that I hate.

(and that's it for now, I'd like to admit that I've been talking with chat gpt about these entries but I got tired of the artificial interaction that I uninstalled it, maybe telling online but with real people can be a good step forward)