Roza: Journal for my inner self

[grand barn]

Im getting married next August and will be moving to another country. I feel conflicted not because of my relationship but because I don't have the full support of my family. My mom wrote me a letter today saying she does support me but also that she feels she and my fiance are too different and that she doesnt hate him but she doesnt love him either. Im not asking for them to love each other.

I also feel that I can't have a wedding because of financial issues. Moving to another country is expensive. I also feel that I can't have one because I will be contantly worrying about will my family be glaring daggers at each other.
Mom vs Dad
Dad vs Stepdad
Mom vs Stepmom
Brother vs Dad
Uncle vs Everyone
Mom vs Fiance
Grandma vs Fiance
Brother vs Other Siblings

those are the types of interactions I would expect. I feel like I cant be happy about my own marriage or brag about it because people just dont approve. I feel like no one in my life will ever live up to my moms expectations, not friends or fiance. Hell my own brother feels that way too.

I just feel like my own wedding would be a battlefield so why have it if no one can put aside their differences to celebrate our union.

I also feel conflicted because I promised my fiance before I even told my mom that I would spend Christmas with him in his country Costa Rica. But after I told my mom that I wanted to do that she told me I should cancel that trip and spend my Christmas with them as it would be the last for a while.

my thoughts "Am I dying? Or is someone else dying?" why would it be the last Christmas for a while? Does travel not exist where I can go to them or hell they can come visit me?

Why cant I spend Christmas with my new fiance? I havent been able to spend 1 christmas with him since we started dating 2 years ago. Every time 1 of us tries to see the other my mom always says its a bad idea and why dont we just save our money. Why dont we wait? Do i have to spend my whole life waiting for her to be ready to let me fly? Im 24 and she still treats me like a child. Treats me as if I havent thought enough. That im making immature decisions.

I feel alone even tho I am surrounded by people that love me.

[grand barn]

Today.. got into an argument with my fiancé

Now I'm crying alone in my car.. listening to sad music thinking soo many awful thoughts.. I feel so alone when I truly need someone to hold me. Right now I'd ask a stranger for a hug

[grand barn]

||My aunt committed suicide last Sunday||.. I cant attend her funeral for being so far away and life commitments she wouldnt have wanted me to abandon. Now I am sitting here trying to write a final goodbye

[grand barn]

i feel like im walking through this life but its not i walking. just a shell of a human

[grand barn]

|| When I scream in the car
Do you hear me?
When I lay in the bathtub, holding my breath, hoping I don’t come up for air
Do you know that could be my last?
When I hold that razor in my hand
Do you feel my skin being tainted by blood?
Do you know your words cut me deeper than a knife ever could?
As I walk past you
Do you see the burden I carry on my shoulders?
When does life stop hurting me?
I just want to be free. ||

[grand barn]

will my body ever be mine again? Fuck this disease. I hate you prurigo Nodularis....

[grand barn]

What I sent my mom.

Dear Mom, 
I know that it has been months without a reply to your letter, and that is because it is hard for me to open up. I fear that my honesty can hurt you and that is never my intention. I fear that when you read this, you will be disappointed in me. I tend to bottle my feelings up and sweep my problems under the rug, hoping things will just fix themselves, and I did the same with all this Cris situation. I’m afraid of saying some things because of the love I feel for you, and I don’t want to lose that considering how much I worked to get here. Thanks for taking the time to think about my situation, and thanks for telling me things from your perspective. I’ll tell you things from the other side of the story now.

You say that you see me making some of the same mistakes as when you were young, and that’s where a lot of your worries come from about my situation, and I understand where you’re coming from but I have to disagree. It’s true that I haven’t been the smartest about the partners I’ve had, so I can see why you would think that Cris could just be another guy taking advantage of me. We have known each other for 5 years and a half now, and during all this time he has not taken advantage of me, not one time. I feel that he has been that person you mentioned that has been guiding me towards a better path and has helped me grow as a person to be more patient, think before I speak and to not talk over others. He also has shown me how possible it is to have a life together in the country I once fell in love with. “I want your life to be easier, more joyful”, me too and I want to share that joy with Cris.

One thing that I feel is that I can't bring over friends to the house unless it's on your own terms. Every time I asked to bring a friend over, especially one that you hadn’t met, you asked for it to be on a day you don't work and to meet them outside of the home, even if I had known them for a while. I know that is due to your anxiety, but it makes me feel limited in the times I can bring over friends or even a partner. I have even asked friends if they felt welcomed by you when visited, their response was no, most times they said they felt like they were intruding, and that's how Cristopher felt too. Any time I told you he wanted to visit you always responded with, it’s not the right time, or you can wait until summer, or when we are not working, etc. It felt like you were overlooking the fact that seeing each other is something we could do one time a year at best and that sometimes the times that work best for you don’t work best for us.

The point is, I felt like my schedule and desires always have to align with yours, or you would be unhappy about it. That's the main reason why I stopped inviting people over, and how I know that Cris is not an isolated case of discomfort for you. Also, every time you pulled me aside to talk privately, it was obvious that you were talking about him. Every time I told you we would like to talk about marriage, or moving into the US, you always texted me “Let’s talk. Come to my room. Just you.”

How can you blame him for feeling unwelcomed with things like that. Also, you always accused him of being in the room all the time, but we had several trips every week, we went out for walks almost every day, and several times we even took Yuki with us.

I’ve said lots of times that I wanted you to ask him questions and get to know him, even though you blame a lot of things, it seems like you just didn't like his responses. He tried to make a good impression because he knew it was important to me. I wish you would have seen him rehearse all of your potential questions when he was out of the house. The efforts he went through for you melt my heart. I admit that I did put a lot of pressure on him about you and that affected him negatively, so don’t blame all the pressure on him, I am to blame too. He was always open to knowing everybody, and he answered every question, ate every food, and said yes to every trip proposal despite our itinerary. He was nervous and shy.

I do want to say, though, the times you did make an effort, it was amazing. The cocktails at home, the dinners together, taking him to “Fight Practice” changed his views, and especially, the Spanish Monastery, and in his own words, the best day he had with you because it was the day he finally made you laugh, and you also heard him speaking spanish for the first and only time, something he was extremely proud of.

You started being a bit racist and xenophobic towards him, for example, during all the trips you were the only one mentioning that he could be using me for a green card or benefits, “like a lot of latinos do”, and constantly mentioning to not let my cards where he could grab them, or give money to him because he might rob me and so it’s not fair to always call his silence “distant”. I just say, would you feel welcomed in a house where people talked like that of you?

In Palm City you agreed that he could stay with us while he went to school here, so he left clothes with me, and in CR he quit school, got rid of stuff, and started working on the student loan, we had plans on transportation and all the school logistics, and after 7 months of preparation, right as he was about to buy the plane tickets, you said no and blamed the house with Jared family, the new environment, we getting adjusted to the house, the new jobs, etc, like, the reason was always the house, but some months later we talked and the reasons were we’re uncomfortable, we don’t know him, he ignored us, he spends all day in the room, etc… Now the reasons were all you, which made more sense why you turned him down without ever telling him why. Exactly like you mention, this was lying and considering how heavy and life changing it was going to be for us, the amount of things at stake, and basically having a deal and suddenly breaking it out of dislike, just like you mention. That really hurt him and he felt like you hated him.
I completely understand that you hate how we’re getting married, in a rush. Not for his papers and benefits, but for mine. Believe me, Cris doesn’t like it either, he says that he should be the one going through all this immigration trouble, like we had planned, but instead is me, and he hates that, every time he’s disappointed saying that it shouldn’t be this way. Cris has been amazing supporting me, not hating my body or wanting to leave my side because of this skin condition, on the contrary, he’s workingc with me on how we’ll organize our lives now around my new limitations, triggers, etc. This has confirmed to me that I’m engaged with a man that really appreciates me. I want to marry Cris.

He has a “honeymoon trip” already planned, the destination, tours everything is already planned. If you knew Cris, you would understand why I have zero worries about him planning a trip for any occasion, he’s like a tour manager, his ability to know exactly where to go for any occasion is incredible. I only had one demand, that is that the trip is in Costa Rica. Cris has planned how to accommodate our timeline, his entire school semester and my move in to make this happen. By the way, the honeymoon trip it’s a surprise for me. I don’t know where he’s taking me. All the effort that you’re asking me to put into celebrating our union is being done by the man you betrayed and didn’t have hope on. I hope this shows to you a little bit that you were wrong about him.

“I know he doesn’t care now.” In this you are very wrong. To this day we still talk about you sometimes. The pros and cons of what you meant during those 3 years of interaction. He still remembers what drinks you like, and even the type of clothes you usually wear. He has a very good memory, something I didn’t know… From all the food made by the family that he tried, your food is the #1 in his ranking. Having made you laugh once and making you sit down to talk about marriage are of his biggest most proud accomplishments during his trips there. Anyway, what all of this tells me is that he hated your actions, not you.

It hurts me deeply that things unfolded the way they did, because I wanted you to have the chance to truly know the man I love and plan to build a life with since his stay in the US was always extremely limited and the amount of times you would see him were going to be extremely few, and I know that it’s impossible now that everybody has gone their own way and you all dislike each other. It hurts me because he’s about to become a major part of my life.

In Palm City you taught him that you always say “See you later” because “Goodbye” is when you don’t plan to see the other person anymore, so following your teaching, the last day in the St Cloud house he went to your room with me, and remember what he said? “I just came to say goodbye”. I will finish by saying that in your letter you say you’re committed to offering understanding to me, I hope you still keep that after reading all this.

Her response
Thank you for your letter. I am sorry I made you unhappy and I am sorry I caused him to feel unwanted or unwelcome.

If Cris ever wants to... as I have said before. You are more than welcome to put us in a chat together. The text format will make it far easier for him to communicate. And for me to understand him.

Ill even download the slowly app if ya want.

I do not want when you say goodbye for it to be actually goodbye.

My response

Thank you for taking the time to read it. I know it was alot to read and i was very scared to send it. Ill talk to cris and see if he would like to be in a chat with yall. Maybe we can all move forward from this

I talked to cristopher and he is still very hurt and does not wish to be put in a group chat with you... plus he doesnt even know what the group chat would be about. maybe you could write him a letter like you did with me and I can give it to him.
Her response
This whole mess is not just my fault. It is not just on me. I absolutely made some bad calls, and I am trying to make amends for that. You did too. You put us under a ton of pressure. To allow someone we had only known a few weeks to come live with us in our home. For you ... you have known him for years. For me... that first visit was literally "This is Cris. Ask him a bunch of questions to get to know him. Now he is going to come live with us." Thats what it felt like. Like we didn't have an option. Say yes or Krystyn will be mad and hurt. I should have been honest with you about my feelings and been blunt about it. I tried in many ways to say it but I failed and thats on me.

It would be nice if you both could at least acknowledge that pressure, that unrealistic expectation, and give us some grace for being reluctant to say no when we should have. You are mad I lied. But the reason why is because I was uncomfortable and not ready to move as fast into a mother/son relationship with Cris as you wanted, and I was uncomfortable letting someone move in that quickly and it was excruciatingly hard to disappoint my daughter whom I love with all my heart.

That's not unreasonable to feel.

Jared and I are both willing to start fresh. We have talked about it. About using a discord chat as a way to know Cris without the filter of nearly every interaction going through you as an intermediary. To actually begin new through discord games, or chats about things we like and love. Its not going to be easy but it will get easier.

This is his choice. My door is open to begin anew, but I am not going to scrape and beg. I am human. I made mistakes, but I am not alone in making mistakes throughout this. You both hold some responsibility too.

[grand barn]

Im scared to loose everyone i care about

[grand barn]

Roza: Journal for my inner self

I want to start off with I am emotionally unstable. I do not want another argument with you. If you start getting harsh with me or saying mean things I will take a step back so that I don’t make things worse with you because I love you but I also need to protect myself. I get scared to talk to you about this because you automatically respond harshly. I was not going to keep this info to myself and just go without telling you. I did plan to tell you tonight but you asked before I had the courage. I was going to tell you after my bath and after I had found the right words to say with out causing an argument. Yes the topic is over. The topic of me expecting or desiring you to have a relationship with my parents. How ever just like I can’t force you to like my parents or want a relationship with them, you can not force me or guilt me into severing my relationship with them. I understand that you hate them and I wish you would try to understand my perspective and the pain I feel. Im not forcing you to see them. Please do not force me to cut ties with my mom. In the future I still want to visit her from time to time. I want to be able to call her without having to feel like im a criminal. I told you I didn’t visit her for mothers day and I told you that she is severely depressed because you asked. I was only going to leave it at. I am visiting them. Thats it. No further talk of them. I didn’t even mention names or anything. You have boundaries and I do my best to respect them. This is my boundary.

Something I sent to my fiance. He still will not react to it well. It hurts you know having two sides you really love fight over you and pull you apart.

Make one happy and the other will be sad. Make one sad and the other will be happy. Make me happy and both will be miserable.