i know u care
#freemeplsfr
lucid flame
i was thinking
yesterday about how i spent so many hours on texting
staring at a glowing rectangle, with my physical body sitting or some sji with my mind reading words
and it's like reading a book
like being in a different world
all through the magic of connection
communication
i feel so lost
my mind truly is fried
dopamine receptors losing their effect
but some days it's okay?!
negative thinking is what makes me sad
and i can't help it
no one can in certain times
All you can do is have faith ur mind will change soon
into finally receiving the dopamine to be happy
but anyways
i don't know what to do
I don't know what to want
distractions never worked in the long term
how do we lose ourselves to our feelings
are feelings not fake
a response to stimuli
but i feel so bad
I have everything
i have love
yet I'm not satisfied?
yet i still lack a stable path
because I still feel like i have no control
even tho I feel like i do
but then i don't
tender obsidian
whats wrong?
tender obsidian
I understand the pain and suffering your going through
lucid flame
im sure many do
but what do u understand of what I've written and how do u relate to it
tender obsidian
i feel so lost
.
tender obsidian
how do we lose ourselves to our feelings
.
tender obsidian
because I still feel like i have no control
.
I can relate to alot of things you said
Trust me I understand what you have written but I don’t want you to over think.
lucid flame
overthinking is my default
tender obsidian
If you would like to vent with your permission I could listen.
tender obsidian
overthinking is my default
Understandable.
lucid flame
If you would like to vent with your permission I could listen.
sure
lucid flame
struggling with the future and present
in the present it is the ability to maintain my character which is making me overthink
i have a person who loves me
unconditionally
and has seen everything
we matured with eachother
lucid flame
it's good
she's a blessing
but
it's also bad
because despite all the feelings i feel for her
j can't just ignore the logic
we came to this world alone
she won't ever hear the thoughts in my mind that i forget about
she won't rmeber or see the things i saw that make me the person who i am right now
And the person that il change into tmmrw
similarly i won't know for her
because we are two separate entities
but love makes u forget
u start to feel like there is a bond that is real
And in those moments it is real
tender obsidian
Mhm
lucid flame
but as soon as we leave, as soon as we are separate the bond is just a fading memory
tender obsidian
Yes yess
I relate to that
Everytime I’m near someone I love
When were seperwated
It fades away
I suffer thru
Separation issues
My friend is like a father figure to me that I never had ygm?
lucid flame
yeah
tender obsidian
And everytime we’re depressed I start tearing up
He was always there for me
And it’s kinda like your situation ygm
lucid flame
yeah but i don't feel that way with anyone
not even with her
because the only person i actually had was my self
everyone gives their own biased perception of life
no one tells u the truth because they don't know it themselves
the truth being that all the dreams we have, all the hopes and all the things we live for
are as real as we make it
but as soon as you can't believe in it
it isn't real
and u become a person with no purpose
a biological machine with a consciousness that is fighting it's animalistic urges
fighting with the current social construct
which right now is capitalism
consumerism
but all it takes
is a good night sleep
And then j wake up
And get ready for school
and i fit right in
right in the system
no room for existential thoughts
worrying about normal things
like not being late
being the character that i have built my self to be in that setting
Then i go home
and consume
consume media
consume food
talk to my beautiful amazing lovely soulmate
and then go back into the trance
of what the fuck
of the realisation
what the fuck are we doing
then i write it all on discord 😝
most days i don't
write it all on discord to feel some sort of peace
As if oh maybe this is my purpose to write a shitshow that might be relatable to at least 80% of the people in this server
honestly
fuh this
maybe i just like hearing my voice in my head
reading my messages back to me
like a mother taking care of her child
brushing his hair
I just hope im satisfied
when it's all done
I hope the atoms found this experience jolly
i hope i don't cringe at this
but i will
Becuase it is fucking discord
but it's okay
we might be psycho
but at least we aren't pathetic 👆
ugh but that isn't fair
it's a blessing really
to have natural intellect
to be able to remember better than the average
even if it is just a small teeny weeny advantage
but what is the point
if it all goes to the hands who write fucking discord vents
but at least i have hands right
hands to show carve paintings on walls for ancestors to know of my existence
but i didn't wanna
i just wanted to be free
i wanted nothing
we wanted satisfaction
we wanted emotions
but they're all chemicals yk?
lucid flame
<@1233833402319376414>
yeah
scenic hull
yeah
Is an inconsistent character a bad thing?
Is there a single list of definining attributes that make “you”
lucid flame
yes because it makes me unreliable
lucid flame
Is there a single list of definining attributes that make “you”
my attributes contrast each other
but it's all normal
lucid flame
I'm sorry but right now i can't relate to what i wrote last night
which ironically answers ur question too
scenic hull
That’s ok, I am not expecting you to
I’ll forget what you wrote
What matters to me is that you think your character is inconsistent
lucid flame
what matters to me is my girl
And most times im a good stable acquaintance
that doesn't get jealous
that knows my place
and doesn't overthink about her at all
becuase im logical
but then other times im just toxic
scenic hull
So you are mostly logical, then other times illogical.
You say yourself your logical
lucid flame
I overthink it all and when i feel unsatisfied with her I create unattainable standards to make her feel bad and to make my self feel bad too
yeah becuase the times when im illogical, I can't see the bigger picture anymore
making me illogical
scenic hull
Does being illogical at times make you an illogical person?
lucid flame
if in the current moment i am illogical then in the current moment I am an illogical person
becuase il be in an illogical state
making me behave illogically regardless of me being logical before
scenic hull
Yes but we can all act opposing to our characters
lucid flame
But in those moments we are helpless
scenic hull
Helpless how
lucid flame
helpless because we can't change
drowning in emotions
the only thing we can do is wait
wait for our mind to get better
scenic hull
That is an option
lucid flame
or to distract ourselves
scenic hull
If you find yourself being inconsistent and know you can wait till you are consistent again can you not just choose to always be consistent?
By waiting
scenic hull
Is that a fact
lucid flame
and anticipate the worst even though it won't happen
lucid flame
Is that a fact
There's different intensities to when i become inconsistent
scenic hull
I would suggest trying to make yourself wait
If it truly goes away like you say
If you wait once and see it’s better then it’ll be easier the next time
If you can’t wait don’t treat it as a fail
lucid flame
I already do that
it's just sometimes i worry one day il be too inconsistent
And push her away to a point where i can't go back
I've left her many times
Feeling unworthy
but i camr back to her and she accepted me
i never tipped off the edge
scenic hull
That’s valid and ok, she probably ynderstands you as a person
lucid flame
and i hope i never do
scenic hull
Do you know in the deepest parts of you that you deserve to be loved?
You telling yourself your being inconsistent is a sign you want to change
If you want to change and know what you want to change then trial and error everything
lucid flame
Do you know in the deepest parts of you that you deserve to be loved?
in the deepest parts i just don't care
scenic hull
Don’t care about being loved?
scenic hull
You speak as if it’s a fact
scenic hull
To some maybe
lucid flame
to everyone
scenic hull
It doesn’t have to be though
scenic hull
If you think it’s an exchange then it will always be one
scenic hull
but why sugar coat ur existence
Why wallow yours?
lucid flame
it logically is just exchange
lucid flame
Why wallow yours?
becuase im real
scenic hull
If it’s true we can lie to ourself to be happy why not do that?
Your illogically dragging yourself down with no logical reason
scenic hull
Why, your build different then normal people?
You said before almost everything is just chemicals
We can hack our brains
And that is real
lucid flame
yeah
scenic hull
Being unhappy is almost always a choice
scenic hull
If you “see the bigger picture”, that nothing is meaningful. Why not see the bigger picture that thinking that doesn’t positively benefit you
You say your realistic
But it’s not just realistic
scenic hull
You say yourself that you overthink and etc… leading to your relationship being the way it is
That brings you negative emotions
Therefore sad?
No?
lucid flame
makes me inconsistent
scenic hull
So change it
lucid flame
i have
i haven't left her for so long
i just sometimes still get into that destructive mood
so this time i vented it
scenic hull
Good job, that’s one aspect then
You are doing good, but the cause still stands
Being concrete about certain things means you cannot adapt in certain ways
Your aperature may be closed off to solutions your unable to access
“Lies don’t work on me” might be true
But what if it isn’t
You said everything just is
Your sentence “lies don’t work on Me” just is something you are convinced of
If it isn’t positively impacting you
Change it
lucid flame
alright
lucid flame
well we think we do🥹
lucid flame
Do you think I’m being too persistent?
no
lucid flame
Okay so I’m talking past you
noo ur right
scenic hull
Wait
scenic hull
noo ur right
Your serious?
lucid flame
i accidentally starting debating with u
lucid flame
Your serious?
i understand ur advice
and it's right
i have to change
the times that i am suffering to honestly probably come from my own laziness
scenic hull
i accidentally starting debating with u
Nothing wrong with that
I bear no feelings towards if you got anything out of what I said
I just am trying to help with what I have experienced in my life
lucid flame
i appreciate it
scenic hull
i have to change
If I can say one more thing it’s that failure to change isn’t a “failure”, treat it as data to improve your methods
If you become inconsistent again ask why
Learn why you are the way you are and you can become who you wish to be
scenic hull
alright
Also I’m genuinely so confused why you just said alright here
I have never had someone agree with me when I say these types of things
lucid flame
becuase what u were doing was a response to what i said 😭
and what i said was in the intentions of debate rather than understanding your advice
scenic hull
Hm
lucid flame
and i felt bad cos we are in a therapy server
And u came here with the intentions for giving advice
and me using u for idk amusement or entertainment by making it into a debate is selfish
so I decided to be mature u feel me
lucid flame
nw
scenic hull
Just know I don’t think negatively of you debating what I said
lucid flame
it's okay i know
scenic hull
I honestly admire what your saying to me rn
lucid flame
thanks
scenic hull
if u ever need to hear some logical advice😝
😭😭
I’m interested in seeing how you change if you do so I might genuinely dm you asking your opinion on some of my ideas some time
lucid flame
alright sounds good