journal

[wide garnet]

8:29 am – sept 30, 2025

currently drinking coffee
black bc it’s my favorite
I’ve finally fixed my sleeping schedule somehow
so that’s one good thing to look forward to, I think
everytime I find
remnants
of the event of my “meltdowns”
I cringe so bad
but then again, it usually all becomes a blur, I don’t remember much
anyways
I haven’t gotten a call nor an email from the jobs I applied to
it’s only been like 2 days
so I can’t be too impatient
but october is coming
and I wanna make myself useful for once
some of them were surprised when they found out I was 16
but i’ll be 17 in 5 months
so what’s the big deal
one of them even called it “child labor”
which was funny lol
I mean I get it
it’s uncommon for ppl my age in this country to work formally
but wtv
im just scared
i dont wanna be a loser
i kinda already am
nvm the thoughts r coming back
anyways, let’s seeee….
after I finish this cup of coffee
I’ll start my cardio
maybe around 9-10 am
and then later i have a class to teach at 6 pm
so i have lots of time to finish stuff
but i sometimes procrastinate
a lot
esp during this state
but i’ll be fine
right
anyways, after my cardio
i’ll probably go do my laundry
and fold
and then watch some death note
i love that anime
i’ve kinda stopped
watching anime tho
or doing anything I used to enjoy really
i’ll get my spark back
i’m sure
ugh, i’m just thinkin abt school
i actually joined
a sudoku comp
for math
bc i failed 1st qtr
so i had no choice but to do dumb sh#t like this
ik how to play sudoku tho
i’m just ass at it but
it starts oct 10 i think
so i have time to practice
plus i need the grade to pass
alright hmmm
what else
I think of a lot of things
and I have a lot to say
but it’s kinda hard to
formulate my thoughts
into words
but i think one of these days
or today actually
i’ll have the chance to
talk about them here
so yeah
i think this is all it for now
cya cya cya cya cya

[wide garnet]

2:55 pm – sept 30, 2025
(same day)

lil update:
finished my cardio, took a shower
did my skincare, cleaned my room
all thats really left for today’s itinerary is laundry
(currently in washer/dryer),
then class later at 6 pm
and that’s pretty much it for today
I was planning on
buying some cute indoor slippers for my room
since i don’t like getting my floor all dirty n muddy
esp since it’s rainy season
ig the floor mat does the trick
but eh
and I have to spend money..
hmm we’ll see
wth I just heard some kid outside making weird noises
anyways
ig this all sounds
pretty boring for the most part
but i’m glad that
I even got out of bed today
and I was
productive enough
so i’m kinda proud of myself:)
i never rlly understood
the hype
with journaling
maybe bc i just didn’t know how to do it
but i lowkey get it now
it’s very
therapeutic
even tho i’m kinda just
spewing a bunch of stuff
am i? idk
either way,
it’s fun
and reminds me
of stuff
since i have a few hrs left still
i think im just
gonna chil
maybe watch some death note
or frieren
oh i jsut realized i forgot to post on my tiktok
im having art block</3
haven’t posted in a while
i’ll try later or tmrw
since today was
productivity/self-care day
alr, cya guys
(if there’s anyone even reading this lol)

i needa lay down asap

wait…. alice in borderland new season????
no friggin way

i’ll check it out tn maybe

has the to be
the perfect time

[wide garnet]

8:36 am – oct 1, 2025

i just woke up
about a min ago
and i may or may not have spoken too soon yesterday……
since I
ended up falling asleep
around 4 am
soooo my sleep sched
is uhhh
prob back to square 1
my fault
i got too caught up doing random sh#t last night
plus im
on a fast
hence the reason i couldn’t sleep
is that how u use that word
anyways
some random dude on ig
a twitch affiliate?
sent me a
screenshot of me liking a post that says “quick! tell him you aren’t ready for a rs after leading him on for 5 weeks!”
smthng like that
i only liked it cuz it was from
a mutual
and it alr had a lot of likes
thought it was funnsy
said i was “caught red handed”
which is random cuz
i don’t even
talk to this dude
but alright
anyways
it’s finally October
sigh
i don’t
know how to feel rn
time is just a concept right
i’m kinda
freaking out internally
not even gonna lie
i haven’t even gotten
a call back
or email
from the establishments
but i did manage to earn
some money
from the class my dad assigned me to
which i should b receiving tdy
he also found this weird way
to earn money
you basically
follow a bunch of temu accounts
and then these ppl will give you money
and it worked
it takes a lot of
copy pasting though
and appparently is some type of
semi-scam?
but they give you money at first to lure you in??
either way
i’m not that stupid
i’ll prob
dip my toes in the water
js so i could recieve the first
payment
and then
not participate
apparently u can do it as a little side thing though
i’ll prob
try it out
later
anyways
i feel like
my thoughts aren’t too organized today
maybe bc it’s october?
i’m just
all over the place rn
anyways i might be
wasting my time
typing all this
it’s so cold rn
and i needa use the bathroom
i don’t feel like getting up tho
sigh
fine
i’ll go
cyall

ik the way i type might b weird btw 😭 apologies for that

i just personally prefer how it looks horizontally

[wide garnet]

3:32 pm – oct 1
(same day)

I hurt myself again
this time not too many
and not too deep
since we’re going on vacation tmr
n i almost forgot
i don’t want them to see it
my days are so dark
i also ate
when i wasn’t supposed to
n we’re going to the beach tmr
i don’t want them to see anything of me
i feel like i ruin everything
my dad yelled at me
he’s a liar
he said he’d do this if i did this
and now he’s changing the narrative
everything hurts
idk why
i can’t stop crying
i’m too sensitive
i just feel confused
really really confused
i shouldn’t have done that
i really really shouldn’t have
aren’t i trying enough
i’m sorry
i don’t like making excuses either
but my mind is
really pulling me down
i don’t want it to
stop crying
just stop everything
just stop
i don’t wanna be anything anymore
i don’t wanna be here
ppl suck so much
I wanna go
i wanna go
i wanna go
i wanna go
far far far far far far far far far away

humanity is a disaster
truthfully
it’s an endless cycle of suffering
same mistakes
over and over again
this sh#t isn’t a privilege
there’s hell everywhere
i’d rather be nothing
i didn’t ask to be here
i don’t care if i live in the streets
or a mansion
i don’t care if i were a millionaire
i’d still want to be nothing
i’d still choose to be nothing
its not like fit anywhere anyways
nowhere on this surface

[wide garnet]

7:01 pm

climbed up the rooftop
idk how to feel anymore tbh
went down again
i just
idk
my friend is sending me text messages
right after i sent him a tt
kinda makes me feel better
anyways
idk
the roof was pretty slippery
i kinda just sat there
and observed
everything around me
saw some ppl in their houses
is that weird
i wasn’t
watching them in a weird way
i js watched their silhouette
for one second
then looked away
bc i didn’t want em to see me
damn my legs itchy af
those stupid mosquitoes distracted me ugh
i’ve been
wearing this oversized black hoodie all day long
and while i was up the roof
when i pulled the hood over my head
why’d i lowkey feel like spiderman
or sum
mysterious hero or smthn

stopped mid typing
had to join a prop team meeting for school
not to
sound
like a bad person
but this bitch
this coach
genuinely sounds fkn stupid
i’m patient
i really am
but you are making 0 sense
you sound
so
annoying
and the rest of my classmates r slobbering on her fkn d
like bro
do these ppl even have a mind of their own
yall r sheeps
if u guys could hear her rn
ohhhh mmyyyy gooooshhhs
im
getting side tracked
rn
i’ll
prob come back

my stomach hurts
i’m kinda hungry
i don’t rlly wanna go back inside the house rn
disputes
i wanna sleep
for eternity
i kinda feel like
a wuss
for not
just
taking the leap
of
def not faith
lol
either i was just too scared
or
didn’t feel like the right time
another time
maybe

k I lowkey left the meeting
but
by accident
but i kinda don’t wanna go back
sooooo
yeah
look she was speaking 1 mph hour
i don’t have time for allat
it’s 7 pm
you could easily fit that into one message
i’d prob digest the words better
instead of you
talking like
….a child
some ppl r like that
idk why
be who u r
i rlly don’t care
but
it’s not cute
and you’re unintelligible
and you’re wasting my time
truly

7:21

i don’t
know
what to do
anymore
it’s kinda hard to
do anything nowadays
when u feel like
it won’t mean anything
since you’ll be
dead
one day
yk what I mean?
i don’t even wanna go to that stupid vacation tmr
i wanna be
not around them
it’s the location in particular
just the people that
i have to be surrounded with
but oh well.
i don’t even know what to wear there
sigh
i have to wake up early to
should i even get ready
or put makeup on
i have
no energy
zero
nada
maybe i can drink some
coffee un gurr
later
dude i
it’s fine
i’m okay
deep breaths
i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay

I wanna die

news flash

ok bye

[wide garnet]

hi

ate eggs

also new pfp

fire

was thinkin of buying

zoloft

heard it makes u not
feel anything
exactly
and i mean
EXACTLY what i need

it seems
suspiciously cheap tho
i mean
i’m buying it
online
from an app
so…..
plus apparently u need a prescription
f that
it’ll arrive either way
i think
haven’t ordered it though
still considering it
since i’m tryna to save up still
but
then again
i’d say it’d be a pretty good investment
plus if u think abt it
it’ll improve my
performance
which then would equal to
more money
cuz i’ll be
basically a robot yk
it’s not
realistic tho
cuz it might make me worse
in the first few days
plus
if i stop
i’ll have withdrawals
so ofc, i’ll have to tread carefully
but where has that gotten me
honestly
i say js go for it
after this
stupid vacation

[wide garnet]

chinese place rn
with fam

lol

run so hard to hold it in

i wanna

induce

harm

to my

dad

i can’t lie

[wide garnet]

hey guys

i was jk

lwk can’t see what i’m typing in rn lol

cuz my screen is so

dark

can’t let em kow

what i’m doin

yk

sometimes

i hate it when

i sound like

an incel

these r my

inner thiughst??????

ig

food was ok

says they infuse their premarin herbs and spices n flavors for 60 hours

that’s

no wonder

kinda much i mean

tube

lol tube

i meant 2 say

actually

i don’t even remember

i wanna go home

in my bed

i rlly don’t wanna go to that vacation man

[wide garnet]

guys i’m

i might be

losing it

not even just sanity

everything

every crevice of my brain

may have just

stopped working properly

i don’t even

know myself anymore

or the people around me

i am a product of

an evolutionary

trade-off

[wide garnet]

i’m normal again

:):):):)