i need help please

[mystic pike]

i suffer from CPTSD & attachment trauma. i've "hurted" a friend months ago but she never really expressed if she was hurt by my immature behavior. i was emotionally dependent on her and i was also attached to her. i feel guilty that the stakes are so high because this wasn't even the first time i got attached to friendships. i've been emotionally independent and consistent to therapy for atleast a year now and have been practicing healthy coping mechanisms from time to time despite my body not fully accepting it yet. i journal a lot and i get anxious a lot. i apologized multiple times to the friend ive hurt months ago and i just hope she doesnt cut me off. i struggle and suffer from fear of abandonment ever since i was a kid. i'm already 20 years old and i'm sorting myself out in a very messy manner which is healing. i just don't want to be abandoned. she's an emotionally healthy friend for me.

i've been struggling with attachment issues and have shown symptoms of CPTSD although i am not formally diagnosed. i just turned 20 years old like a month ago and i feel very responsible and very clarified with how i choose to approach the rest of my life.

i want to heal and be deserving of what my friends already have: emotional security and stability when it comes to relationships whether romantic or platonic. i noticed that i always get attached to female friends because of the lack of maternal care during the most important developmental stage/s of my life growing up. both my parents are breadwinners before i was even born, and they still are.

i've messed up a lot along the way, especially during the pandemic and the relationships i had during it. i was not comfortable seeking guidance counseling during and after the pandemic because of me feeling comfortable in how my mind protects me from external factors (pushing people away, indirect hurts verbally/emotionally to people i care about). but ever since i started college i've already started guidance counseling and i'm on my second year of college now. it's been eye-opening and i've understood a lot about myself. my guidance counselor has taught me all of this so far: mirror-talk, encouraged me to just continue journaling in my free time, breathing exercises, reframing my thoughts. i do practice them from time to time but my body and mind keep sending me negative anticipatory thoughts that i'm about to be abandoned because i feel or am "too much" from my friend's perspective.

i am now 9 months into not being emotionally dependent on my friends. i had a heart-to-heart/hard conversation with a friend this February of 2025 and we talked about me being attached as well as being dependent. she wasn't uncomfortable that i was emotionally attached but she told me that she hopes i can let go of it because it's not healthy for me. she also reiterated her boundary of me seeking therapy as the best help i can get and that i can't always depend on her and that she's just there to support me and not solve anything for me. after she reiterated the boundary i felt a deep trigger and panic because i have a fear of abandonment. after she reassured me about the boundary i sent her a lot of heavy emotional vulnerable messages that were beyond her capacity to receive. she didn't reply but she seened all of it. months after that i felt so guilty and i'm reflecting almost everyday and have been consistent with guidance counseling sessions.

fast forward to August 2025 i saw her post that she now has a boyfriend and i got triggered again and i sent her a lot of thoughtful healthy self-aware apologies. now it's September 2025 and i still think about her. i don't want to feel abandoned. i feel like a child wearing adult clothes and my friends are so well-established when it comes to relationships and their college life. and i'm healing. i'm doing my best even though i don't feel it all the time.

my mind has been ruminating everytime i stress people i care about (trauma-dumping, being dependent etc.) and i almost always over-explain myself because the guilt is consuming me. i just want to have friends who understand me. i understand their side. i feel so lonely healing on my own. it's like i can't keep up with my friend's pacing because i'm healing and i almost always see them having the time of their lives.

[lost ermine]

You do are responsible to end up in the place where you are now, but not in the way you think, its more about your upbringings. In your situation if anybody tells u other Go get an appointment with a Psychiatry will be lying to you, that is what you need. You are 20, you have your whole life ahead, if you said you had clarified the approach of the rest of your life. Go look for professional help. Go!

[mystic pike]

i will have a guidance counselor appointment this monday

[lost ermine]

I strongly recommend you a psychiatry appointment