#Self Healing Journal KitKat :3

1 messages · Page 3 of 1

hardy flax
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Mb if I worried u or sum xd or idk

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Its ok no worries ^^ if I didnt wanted for anyone to write here, I wouldve uhh put a tag that says ermm

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“No replies”

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Yeh

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But ur welcome to stay if you’d like ^^ having company is nice

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Welp, I successfully removed all the tonsil stone, and I gagged a lot T-T My throat still hurts, but I hope I can heal errr very soon since

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But WE MADE IT TO OUR DESTINATION 😄 but literally like on the road, 4 hours ago, a tire broke

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On the front right

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IT WAS BAD 😭

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Luckily we had a extra one

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And Im so happy I helped my dad

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With removing the idk what and adding idk what they’re called lol

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Team work U^U

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And I did my best to not think about my ex today or message him a lot

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Its been…

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87 days since the break up..

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-sigh-

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Its fine yk?

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I feel like it was necessary

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Altho its just..

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Cmon..

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He doesnt love me yet he still likes me?

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I mean sure we did a video call almost a week ago

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And he showed me something that Im not allowed to say here due to those who are underaged and I dont wanna get banned lol

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And sure he licked me ear and hold my hand 2 weeks after the break up

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And sure he tries to use his time for me yk?

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Even if its just a little bit

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Like once a week

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Rarely twice a week in talking

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-sigh-

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But tbh

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I think

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I say that its fine

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Because even after everything

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After the heartbreak

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The hurtful things he said to me

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Even after everything that has happened

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Im still committed

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Even if he isnt

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Even if he fell out of love towards me

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True love doesnt mean that you have to talk to the person every single day

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Or constantly calling, texting, talking, giving more love than the other

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True love is that even after the hard stuff, hard situation

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You still dont give up

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Even when ur unsure of what the future will bring

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What the future will come

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Not knowing what could happen

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Yet you dont give up

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Thats what real love is

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And he may not have it

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I dont blame him

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I did mess up

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He had so much pressure and weight on him

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So many stuff to worry

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Its ok

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I’ll wait dor him

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For*

hardy flax
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Its been… almost a whole week now

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I mean its fine

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If he hasn’t responded to me

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I mean yeah I am clingy

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I do wish we could talk more

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I dont like seeing him as just a friend when Im aware and he’s aware that my feelings isnt just “friends”

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He’s busy

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In college

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And.

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Its October so…

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I heard that October gets to be more busy that month

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Then November is extra busy since you have to focus on ur finals

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Then December is even more busy because its finals

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I really do want to wait for him

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Imiss you abi

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A lot

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Im still sorry for what I did and I hope you can love me again

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Somehow

hardy flax
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We made it

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To our new “home” :b

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Tbh I dont plan on living here

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I know I have family and friends here but

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I fear that if I stay

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I’ll be more further away from my ex

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And I know an apartment is very expensive if I choose to stay over there where I can be close to my ex and my friends

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But I dont plan on having to have a new life

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I want to be with him

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And I dont want to tell my ex about this new “house”

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Altho

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He might find out sooner or later

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So..

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I might as well tell him yk?

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But Ima make sure that I’ll tell him that I dont plan on living here

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Because I dont want to leave him

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I really and desperately want to be with him

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I’d do anything

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But then he might get worried

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Thinking that I might miss out

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In many things

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But no!

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I wont!

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Im not looking for new friends

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I already have friends

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And my friends and their friends is who I’ll meet

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I dont want to start all over

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No

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I dont like that idea

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Even if it wasnt for my ex

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I wouldnt rlly want to start over

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I mean sure making new friends is nice

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But at the moment I dont want to start over

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At least not now

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Not this year

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Or the next

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Or in 2 years

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Until the time is right

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Until I actually need it

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Until I want to

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Thats when I do want to start over

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But for now

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Theres many reasons why I dont

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And Im old enough to be on my own

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So I can make my own choices

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I dont want my ex to feel guilty or that he’s holding me back

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No

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Even if it wasnt for him

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I still wouldnt want to start something new

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I have to be careful with my words

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When I explain this to him

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Aw man

hardy flax
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I feel like he literally needs so much to grow

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Even if he claims that he is thinking like an “adult for once”

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Sometimes I feel like he still acts like a kid and thinks like a kid

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I mean idk what does he want in his life?

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To succeed?

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He just doesnt rlly know

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I’ve been avoiding in thinking about him

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Mainly the past

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Cuz it hurts

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And a few minutes ago I woke u

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Up

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And suddenly its like I was about to think about him yk?

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The past tho

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And the things we did

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And then..

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I felt like my heart started to beat a lot

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I was starting to panic tbh

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Starting to breathe heavily

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Haha..

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And I just

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Did my best to control my thoughts

hardy flax
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Miss my ex heh..

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Man

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I really miss him so much

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I mean I constantly keep telling myself that he’s busy

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Altho Im sure he isnt 100% busy cuz I know he games a lot

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And knowing that he doesnt love me

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He’ll prob prioritize him playing games rather than talking to me

hardy flax
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I sent him a message lol

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I said “I hope today ur day went well. Tbh I wanna say that Im here for you but everytime I feel that feeling of being there for you, there comes this feeling of how I dont deserve to say that, I dont deserve to be there for you or to help you. And a side of me telling me that I’ll look extremely stupid if I say that since yk, I know you dont fully trust me so its like, I cant be there for you no no no, no matter how many times I tell you and I want to say its fine but its not. To me its not. Its like a agony that I deal with whenever I think about the desire to be there for you. Then I look back when I was younger and how much I’ve changed, I remember that even when I was hurt, I suck it up and still stayed wanting to help you. And now I feel like a selfish person, and Im very very sorry. Im here for you, I know without a doubt that you dont believe me, and I cant blame you, how can I? Its my fault. I dont deserve to say those things. Im sorry. Im very sorry for not being good enough. I’ll”

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“try my best to be a better person each day yk? I’ve been thinking, looking around, learning, it all just depends on me applying it when it comes to.. being a better person each day. Having to be aware of my errors and learning how to be better each day. Everyday I feel bad, I dont like what I did, ofc I dont, I really miss, so many things but its like.. what things? I just miss knowing that we’re here for each other no matter what. It miss being capable of picturing a future together. And the fact that I see the house that my dad bought, I think of you and me, if there will ever be a day where its you and me getting a house like this yk? I dont like pressuring, Im also someone who is going to work. My dad works, my mom doesnt have a job, I mean she helps him yes, and then its me and my sister without a job. I mean.. you and me we can both have jobs, and no children atm will make it less harder yk? But isnt that silly of me to picture that when you cant? Haha, going to the kitchen”

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“One day we see each other a bit more often, and that one day, you’ll com up to me, and confess ur feelings and be really honest of how you feel, the desire to be with me and not wanting to picture a life without me. Sometimes whenever I imagine that scene, I feel emotional, I know because I know that if it ever happens, I’ll cry for sure, because gosh you dont know how much I still want you. How much I want to be yours and that you are mine mine mine. I know how I’ll hug you and cry in ur arms, how I was dying to hear you say that to me in person, the other day I even picture a silly wedding that”

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“I would start crying,I feel so dumb, like a woman crying?,I mean they cry cuz idk they are happy but its like.. idk I just pictured it sum else, like me being next to u and Im happy to be yours yk? But I feel like its a dumb fantasy now since its just me and not you. “

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“I dont think I’d rlly be a dumb fantasy if and I thought the same thing, because we feel the same way. Yk? But its only dumb when one person doesnt feel or see it that way. I still desperately wish to be yours, and Im doing my best to be patient. Im sorry Esteban King, Im sorry for being jealous, Im sorry for the bad things I said to you, Im sorry the moments I hurted you, Im sorry for not loving myself that it was making you sad, Im sorry for the times when I was upset. Im very sorry, I dont know what to do without you, I know every girl can move on at some point, I know I can. But I dont want to picture a life without you Esteban I really really really dont. I want you and only you and just you. I want you so so much, I want you every second in my life, I want you every minute, every single hour, every day, forever like theres no end. Dont see it creepy, I’ll give you space if you need it, I understand that we need a bit of space at a certain point. But please dont leave me Esteban.”

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I sent him that mss

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Then deleted it

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Haha..

hardy flax
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My ex replied today

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I mean I noticed that he replied like at 4:50pm I think

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And I was eating

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But I was too scared to see his message

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So I just left my phone so I wont have the temptation to respond

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I was scared

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And feeling like…

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Idk

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Maybe he said something that will make me feel sad

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Or maybe his response is just about his school work and literally ignoring me yk?

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Like ignoring the things I said to him

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So

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Even tho I love talking to him

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I guess its just now that

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I got scared

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And I hesitated

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Unsure if I should read it

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I didnt wanted to read it due to that fear

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Even tho a part of me wants to talk to him

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Besides..

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I talk a lot

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So idk

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Perhaps today we wont talk yk?

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So I can give him some space

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Besides

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He doesnt seem to care a lot to talk to me

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Which is fine

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I’ll endure the pain

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I wont hate him for that

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Even if it hurts

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And so when I got home

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I took out the lego pieces that I bought at Comic Con or sum

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And I wanted to build my one piece characters

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Which

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I was happy to do so hehe

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And then I remembered that I have the chance to talk to him since Im not busy

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But again

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I hesitated

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I felt fear

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Sad

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So

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Perhaps not yk?

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Today was a rlly good day

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What if what he says can ruin my day yk?

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Its best not to respond

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For the time being

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Besides

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Its not like he wants to talk to me as much as he used to

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But even so

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That doesnt mean I dont love him or that I love him less

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Nu uh

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I still love him a lot

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But its also important to think about myself sometimes

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And get space

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So yep

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Thats that

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Anywaysss

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Comic con was soooo cool!

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SWORDSSS

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too expensive tho-

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But it was cool!!!

hardy flax
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Im so sickkkk

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Ughhhh

hardy flax
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I have the chance to see the message he sent me rn

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But its hard to look at it

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Like

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If I do

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I’ll for sure struggle sleeping the night

hardy flax
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I read his messgae

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It made me cry

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He doesnt seem to really care

thin robin
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I would

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I need company aswell

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I won't bore you with my situation, i'll be here to comfort you

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Sorry for the very late reply, i don't get notifications from discord on my phone, and they barely pop up on my PC

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I would've replied sooner

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As someone who's also broken up with my girlfriend a month ago, I would suggest you to try to think about him as least as you can, it's the best way of letting go, surround yourself with friends, heal up, listen to music, do things you enjoy. You won't be able to forget him, but you'll be able to live with the thought of him gone with enough time. I miss her still, but i've heard she has someone else now, so I have to live with it, i have to be okay with the fact that she's not with me anymore because there isn't anything i can change. As she lives farther away, it doesn't effect me so much. Maybe he lives closer, but hey, you'll find someone else, maybe not someone who's better, but someone who won't leave you as easy as he did. In my case, everything was perfect, but she broke up due to long distance, it hurt but i can't change it. We never had a single argument in our 8 months of being together, and we communicated perfectly with each other, it was really perfect, nothing was wrong, i had the thought nothing could go wrong. When all of a sudden, i get a text on a random thursday. And it actually was a thursday....But I'll be here for you if you need help with any overthinking, bad thoughts. Main thing, don't do bad things to yourself please, it doesn't help. I don't know about your situation well because i didn't read much about it, and i'm sorry about that aswell. I've had 4 heartbreaks including her, and it gets better everytime. Now i have the experience to move on and be with someone else. I know what not to do, what to look out for, and what to do right. There will be someone later in life who's there for you. Being in a relationship gets serious at 25. I'm not saying you shouldn't be with anybody, but as of now, it shouldn't be your main concern.

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I would add more to it, but i'm not doing good mentally right now, I'm in my thoughts and something else happened just now too, but I do hope my words help you, and you can always DM or ping me if you need a chat, althought DM'ing might be more effective to get my attention. Either way, I'll be here to help you feel better, i know what it's like, and i don't want anybody feeling this way. 🫂

hardy flax
hardy flax
# thin robin As someone who's also broken up with my girlfriend a month ago, I would suggest ...

Mmm I see, atm, I dont want any guy who comes in my life, Im fine being friends with guys and yeah I know that there can be a tons if guys out there but the thing is, I simply dont care. (Dont take this as a rude way 🥲) I can be in other relationships, perhaps not now, but maybe in a year or a few years. But I choose not to. I want to wait for him, even if it hurts, even if he’s too busy. No matter what circumstances, I know I’ll always love him. Every time I see him (like once a month or two) and hear his voice, I always get nervous and happy. I get the desire to be with him.

Im sorry things didnt work out between you and her, but Im glad you moved on. And its something I wish to do as well, but the thing is… I want to move on, be happy again, live life again while his presence is gone or while he’s busy. I want to move on, feel joy again, smile everyday again, and that every single day Im doing fine, focusing on myself, yet while all that is happening, I still wanna wait for him in my heart.

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I know I cant forget him, I mean I do wanna think less about him so I can focus more on me yk? But that doesnt mean that Im gonna stop waiting for him, and I dont want to let him go, Im sorry but thats not something I’ll do. I’ll keep holding on, even if it takes years. I simply dont want any other guy 🙂 and thats just my commitment =^= But thank you for caring and yeah I also wouldnt want anybody feeling this way either, it hurts a lot.

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Altho, I’ve been feeling.. I cant say 100% better

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But its like…

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Day 1 of the heartbreak was -9/10 (mood)

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Day 30 -8/10

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Day 60 was -7/10 (healing process is slow)

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And today makes

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Day 90 since the breakup, and rn Im feeling -3/10

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So slowly Im healing

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Everyone has their own pace of healing

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It just depends on how they deal with it

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But thank you for caring, but Im not gonna give up on him. And I forgive him for breaking my heart. For hurting me, and making me cry. ❤️ I still love him and I still want him and choose him. I wont hate him. I only hope that things get better, and I get a second chance 🙂

hardy flax
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Im gonna see him on November…

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16!!

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We’re all gonna meet!!

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And I want to take a picture of him and me at a certain spot

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Cuz I remember we took that picture together when I was 12 and he was 11

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And I want to do it again 😊

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After…hmm

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7 years

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Lol

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So long

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Time goes by fast..

hardy flax
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I miss him

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I feel like I shouldnt miss him since he doesnt seem to miss me

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I mean

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When he started college

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During that week he told me that he missed me

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Now idk if he does or not

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Its fine

thin robin
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Sorry, i just woke up, my sleep is really ruined and right now it's 2 PM for me

thin robin
# hardy flax Mmm I see, atm, I dont want any guy who comes in my life, Im fine being friends ...

But believe it or not this is the same thing i told myself with a girl before my girlfriend, a little situationship i had, what happened was i had a crush on her and liked her, but she didn't like me back, and i kept pushing it which lead to her distancing herself, there's more to it than that but that's about what happened, and now due a mistake i made, we're not friends anymore, or..barely..are friends, and when i text her i see how lifeless her texts are, how dry and bored they look, not only did she change in looks but in personality aswell, it's not the same person i met, and so with that in mind, i decided i should let her go, and move on as there's nothing i can do if she changed. So now i simply don't care, despite our sweet memories together, despite all the good and cute things we did, i don't care anymore, since she didn't care first. But back to my girlfriend, i haven't really moved on COMPLETELY, it's like, i'm starting to move on, i already feel less hurt when i think about her, even though i miss her quite alot sometimes, that's just how it's gonna go when you break up, you won't move on instantly, depending on if it was real love or not, now even though i love her with all my heart, since it's my fourth time trying this sort of thing, i kinda got used to getting hurt and i sorta expect disappointment now, so it doesn't hurt me that much if i break up anymore, although it hurts alot in the beginning, i let go and begin to move on much quicker than i used to.

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But for this girl that i had a situationship with, even when she told me she didn't like me back, when i told her i did like her, because i wanted to be honest and truthful with her, i told her i'd wait for her, even years if need be. And now look at me, not caring if she texts or talks to me, she doesn't wanna meet and even avoids me in public when we see each other because it's "Uncomfortable" for her to meet, and she refuses to explain that but i think it's because of what happened between us and she finds it weird to talk to me normally despite all the things that happened, but that's simply just not okay, and it doesn't make any sense at all, she's not making sense, so i just left that behind, you know? I think i even promised her i'd wait but she made me break that promise with her behavior.

thin robin
# thin robin But for this girl that i had a situationship with, even when she told me she did...

I don't mean to scare you with this message and have you overthinking whether or not he finds it weird to be around you now because of what happened or if he's uncomfortable, i just told you about my situation, not every person is the same, i'm hoping he takes you back because you want that alot, but again, i think you shouldn't be commited to just that, focus on yourself and take a break from relationships for now until you decide to ask him if he wants to get back, or if he decides to ask you...I'm not sure how you have it planned out that you guys will reunite, and i don't know if you even have a plan, could you tell me if you do have one? If not, that's okay. I mean, i'm asking for a plan because i planned out how to get back with my girlfriend after a couple of years, that's why i ask for a plan 😭

hardy flax
# thin robin But for this girl that i had a situationship with, even when she told me she did...

Im sorry you had to deal with that. Altho my situation with him is different, we still talk, he tried to make time to talk to me, and he still has feelings for me (what he said). Even after the break up, we still hold hands and we’re very close (which had me confused but wtv). Right now he’s just unsure about everything, especially since college has gotten him busy. He didnt told me to not wait, he didnt brush me off, he didnt kept putting distance, and he isnt trying to be dry. I know things are kinda complicated. I know you would want me to move on so I dont wait and keep getting hurt, and I thank you for worrying.
But the thing is, if he ever does want to come back, I want to be here with open arms. Not everyone is lucky to reconnect, some people give up, some it just wasnt meant to be, but I hope that if what me and him had, if it really mattered to him, perhaps he’d come around yk? Perhaps he’ll see my efforts

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I know that maybe it wont happen

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And thats fine

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Maybe he wont come back

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Thats fine

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At the very least I stayed loyal

thin robin
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Oh that's different then

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I think it might have a chance of happening in that case, since he's just unsure about it because he doesn't have time

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Maybe talk to him and tell him that even if he doesn't have time it's okay

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Because that's how much you still love him, you'd be there even if he's really busy

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I don't know if it'd work, but you could try it, who knows?

hardy flax
# thin robin I don't mean to scare you with this message and have you overthinking whether or...

Lol after a couple of years?! :v wow
Tbh my plan is to simply wait, but overall focus on myself, like eventually I have to get a job and get a drivers license, then I just need to be more independent. Once thats done, idk, I plan to see if I can visit him, i know where he lives and idk, I want to prove to him that things can work out, it doesnt need to end, but first things first is focus on me yk? And give him time to focus on his college stuff since he seems to be rlly focused on college and wanting to be an adult

hardy flax
# thin robin Maybe talk to him and tell him that even if he doesn't have time it's okay

I did, but he tells me that he just doesnt know what to say, and he says “time will tell” 🙄 all because of college. But like yk what? I’ll give him time to himself, Ima stop persisting and let him focus on his needs. Then after some time, I can ask him and if he is still unsure, then thats fine yk? I’ll give him as much time as he needs.

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I dont want to pressure him since he’s in college

hardy flax
hardy flax
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Hmmm Im thinking of..

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Well

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Basically my dad seems so focused on the new house he bought

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He’s taking it serious about one day moving out

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And what will I do?

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I need to study!!

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Im not leaving my home and leaving my ex!

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No!

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I want to stay here

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Im not going anywhere! >:<<

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I also need a jobb ughhh

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IM LOSING MONEYZZZ

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all for clothes 😭

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I mean lowk felt worth it hehehe

hardy flax
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I feel like crying

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Im such a overthinker

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I miss him a lot

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Or well

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I just miss what we had and the fact that its unknown of what he thinks about being together

thin robin
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I'm really, really sorry for responding so late and so little, but i'm just not doing good myself

thin robin
thin robin
hardy flax
hardy flax
hardy flax
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But yeah, trust in god ^^

thin robin
thin robin
thin robin
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I could call her but then she'd block my number if it's not already blocked so i'm saving that for when it's time for me to drive over to hers in a couple of years, but I have two friends who have contact with her, one of which hates me, the other is a good friend of mine, so i have to make sure the one who's good with me doesn't do anything bad to himself, since he's also not doing good mentally

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But i have to fix things with my friend who hates me when school starts, i have three more days of break

hardy flax
hardy flax
# thin robin Yeah that's good, i hope you keep it up and i hope you feel better soon enough, ...

Mhm! Im just scared on December. I know he’ll be finish with first semester. But knowing how he currently feels towards me, I dont know, I feel like he wouldnt rlly want to talk to me once he isnt busy. But hey, those are my thoughts, it hasnt happened yet, its not December yet. But Ima at least try to emotionally prepare myself that he wouldnt talk to me much yk? So I dont end up hurt

hardy flax
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Ima go eat rn- brb

hardy flax
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Bought a.. comic

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Also

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I completed the uhh

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Teenage Mutant ninja turtles: The Last Ronin

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The last Ronin Lost Years

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And right now Im at

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Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: The Last Ronin II

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So

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Im not a Ninja Turtle fan lover person

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Yk?

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But

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I’ve been getting into it since yesterday

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I know… my ex likes Ninja Turtles.. and Im not trying to be into it for him yk?

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I simply find it interesting because my friend has been telling me soooo many awesome stuff about it

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I think literally whenever Im not into something

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Like literally Godzilla bro or wtv

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But my friend he just makes it sound so cool

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Which makes me wanna know more

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But but

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Like

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Im mainly getting into ninja turtles because it sounds cool and cuz my friend has got me intrigued by it

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So its like

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The reason Im getting into it is 92% cuz of my friend
And 8% cuz my ex likes it

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So so

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I mainly do it for me

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And I rlly find it cool now the ninja turtles X3

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Then Ima try to get into Star Wars

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Oh

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I also wanna get into Sonic

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I know a tinyyyyy bit about Sonic

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Only cuz of Sonic Underground show and the Sonic Prime Show that I watched

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Oh

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And the movies as well

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But other than that Idk.. I feel like I dont know MUCH or ENOUGH about sonic

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And so my friend just tells me cool stuff about sonic sooo

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Why not be into that right?

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Even tho

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Ugh

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My ex LOVES sonic T^T

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So NOW IT FEELS LIKE IM DOING IT FOR MY EXXXX

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NUUUUU

thin robin
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Also, hi, it's 5 AM for me and I can't sleep, sooo

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I decided why not type here and respond for a little bit

thin robin
thin robin
thin robin
#

Ninja turtles, I've watched as a kid, but not at all anymore, man do I get nostalgic thinking about it..I miss how things were

#

Now we care about so much and as kids all we used to care about was doing what we had to do so we could play with our friends outside, not saying everyone's childhood was like that but most are

#

I'm sad that my childhood was so short, I had to mature quick due to my circumstances

thin robin
# hardy flax So NOW IT FEELS LIKE IM DOING IT FOR MY EXXXX

It's surreal, I can't even think of my ex as my ex, and yet here we are...it was so sudden that I'm still grasping on the fact she's my ex now. I'm hoping everything works out well for you, that you'll be able to call him yours again, that would be really nice for you. If it doesn't happen for me in 4 years, I'm hoping it would happen for you, by 2026 hopefully

#

It could really be that he just needs some time to focus on him or think everything through, but I'm convinced it's just that, if you tell him how you feel, that you'll be there even if he's busy, even if he has alot going on, then I'm sure it'll be okay. When the time is right, tell him how you feel about him, and how you'd make it work, it's all about talking it through and looking at the given options

#

It's been about 30 minutes since you last texted, I'm hoping you're still here, and I hope i don't fall asleep if we'll talk

#

I can't sleep but I'm tired, it's the worst feeling, no sleeping position feels right, but it's raininggggg, it'd be so nice to just pass out right now and sleep but I would wake up at 2 PM and school starts in three days and I just want more freedom, I have to learn for an exam, I should probably do that instead of playing video games

thin robin
hardy flax
#

Since the break up

#

But lately I found this Spotify Podcast where I search up Affirmations to fall asleep or wtv

#

Which has helped me forget about the break up and my ex and I can focus on the audio yk?

hardy flax
hardy flax
hardy flax
hardy flax
#

Theres a lot of things you can do and you still have the energy to do it

hardy flax
#

And to this day, we do say certain things that normally a couple would say

#

The issue is

#

He treats me like Im his partner as in he flirts with me

#

Yet

#

He also treats me like Im just a friend and that we never been more than friends

#

So Im just constantly getting mixed signals yk?

#

Yeah, I really wish that I can call him mine again. Everyday I miss what we had, but I do my best not to focus so much on it the whole day 🙂 and if it doesnt happen by 2026, then I’ll keep on waiting for him

#

No matter what

hardy flax
#

He says he doesnt fully trust me

#

And I cant blame him

hardy flax
hardy flax
#

Or listen to a relaxing audio idk

#

That helps me

#

So sleep a bit better

hardy flax
#

And whenever I dont feel fine, is mostly like Saturday and Sunday (cuz Im talking to my ex and it hurts how he talks to me which is not lovey dovey as before💔)

#

Sometimes..

#

I just

#

want to see him in person

#

And cry

#

On his chest

#

And clinch my fist, and hit him, not hard tho, just like those gentle hits as in like.. “Im upset but I still love u so I dont rlly want to hurt you for that”

#

Yk?

#

But dw much about me. Tbh, Im more concerned about you. It seems like ur doing way more.. mmm.. not so good than me

thin robin
#

Oh I've missed your messages yet again, now you're probably asleep by now..

thin robin
thin robin
thin robin
thin robin
thin robin
thin robin
# hardy flax And whenever I dont feel fine, is mostly like Saturday and Sunday (cuz Im talkin...

Oh I get that alot...with that girl I had a situationship with, we still talk but it's not cutesy like it used to be, it's not even friendly as a matter of fact, it's really just those messages where it's like she's responding just because not to be rude and not give me a response, really dry, yk? But I get why that hurts, I fully do. And trust me, 93 days is really far into a breakup, and the more you accept that he's gone the less it'll hurt, but since you're not moving on and instead waiting (which is okay and i support it in your case), I get why it can hurt thinking or talking with or about him. That's why I won't force answers from you either. But hey, be optimistic, hope for the best, that's the way I think you can be doing better, feeling better, tell yourself it'll all be okay and believe it. If it happens to be that it doesn't work out, I'm here to help with the healing process in the case that that's the way it goes, but for now, I think you should believe that it will happen, since if you think positive about it, you don't overthink AS MUCH about it

thin robin
# hardy flax But dw much about me. Tbh, Im more concerned about you. It seems like ur doing w...

Thank you for the concern, i don't want you to be worried though, and believe me that i am grateful that you care, but the truth is that we're both really not doing good. While yes, I've been through wayyyy too much, I still want to help you without comparing myself to you, I tell you my situations and tell you what I learned or experienced from it, for you to see if you can implement my advice from my own situation into your circumstances, but I'm not trying to compare myself to you, I don't know what else you've been through, so you could've been through more maybe, but I have been through alot in the last two years, and it's now taking a very big toll on me, but i still strive to help others, including you, as it's what I do best despite my own situation. I like helping others. It makes me feel useful, it makes me feel helpful, like I actually make an impact on others and matter, but the bigger reason is that the other person then feels better with my advice. Sorry for overexplaining a little bit 😅, I'm very grateful that you care, I can dive into some of my situations if you'd like but I'd rather focus on you because I feel like it's disrespectful since you're obviously really hurt and talking about what I'm going through would just be like stepping on your feelings and being selfish by talking about myself. Of course, If you want me to, it's not a problem for me to tell you about the stories, but for the reasons mentioned above, that's why I feel bad and guilty when I talk about myself while others are expressing their feelings....and holy I sound so pick me here, I am SO SORRY 😭🙏

#

@hardy flax I've read the story from when you pinged me (Thank you so much for that), and now I understand it alot better, now I know how to help even more

#

So basically, since you guys broke up because of an argument, when you're planning to say everything else, you can say that you'd really want to try again, and you won't do something like that again, you'll be there for him even if he's not doing good, even if he's busy. I know I've said these before but try your best to tell him all of this in your way, with the feelings for him included, give him the whole truth about the situation. I understand why he's upset, and I understand why you regret it, I get both sides, but he needs to give you another chance I believe, because just one argument doesn't mean the end of a whole relationship. Believe me I know how it feels to beg for someone to stay, to forgive you, to try again. So I hope you end up getting it all back...as of right now, all we can do is wait, do your best not to worry, as I'm convinced it will be fixed with the right words at the right time. People make mistakes, it happens to everybody, I ruined the friendship with that girl I had a situationship with because of a really stupid mistake I made, now I can't take it back unless she realizes that it doesn't affect her at all anymore...but back to the main point, I also made a mistake that ruined my relation with someone, so I fully get how you feel, but as I've said, as long as you say the right things, I'm pretty sure it's all going to work out

#

By the way, our situation lasted the same duration...8 months, oh and 1st of August was the day I made a cover of Lonely Day with my dad, at my dad's friend's studio back in my home country, if you're trying to cry, I recommend giving it a listen if you don't already know the song, it's by Systen Of A Down, but just be careful, I don't want you to be discouraged or even more sad or worried about this whole thing, I'm sure you can guess what it's about by the title...but it does help with trying to cry if you can't, from my experience

thin robin
#

See i believe god seperates people for them to be able to come back stronger, that's why i have faith that it will be a possibility for me after 4 years to come back to her, and a possibilty for you to come back to your person :>

#

I stayed up all night by the way...

hardy flax
hardy flax
hardy flax
hardy flax
# thin robin Oh I get that alot...with that girl I had a situationship with, we still talk bu...

Yeah I try not to overthink it, well.. he isnt as dry, its just the vibe is really messed up. But yk what? I told him I forgive him for everything. And no matter the circumstances, I’ll wait for him, and I’ll always love him, even if he hurts me, I know he isnt a bad person. I cant hate him knowing how he was when we were together, when he showed me all of his sweet gentle side of his

#

So yeah, I’ll do my best to be there for him

hardy flax
#

Uh

#

Hold up brb

#

Mk back

#

But as I was saying, Im not doing as bad as I was the first 2 months. Like I did require lots of help and support. But right now its like less of a help that I require. And I mean, you are making it sound like it recent and yes it does hurt so so much for me to this day, but at the very least Im not balling my eyes out as before yk? I cant say that Im “ok” right now, but I can say that Im not AS BAD as you make it sound like yk?

hardy flax
hardy flax
thin robin
hardy flax
thin robin
#

I can't read everything right now, but i'll respond to everything you said later

thin robin
#

I'll be able to sleep i think

hardy flax
hardy flax
#

Altho

#

I feel like

#

Hmm

#

I want to say that Im handling it just fine

#

But thats a lie

#

I mean I am handling it ofc

#

But its like

#

Im just doing my best

#

I sent him a good morning message and that I hope things goes well with him

hardy flax
#

I took the dog out for a walk

#

And recorded the sunset

#

And send it to him

#

Told him that I wanted to share the view with him

hardy flax
#

I miss him

#

But i feel like he’ll respond on Saturday

#

So

#

Just a bit more yk

#

-sigh-

#

We couldve worked this out before he started college

hardy flax
#

Missing him

#

Its weird

#

Since yesterday I felt more sad

#

Its fine

#

I got this

#

I just feel like

#

Jeez

#

My love is just

#

Idk

hardy flax
#

:/ been crying more bru

#

WHYYYYYY

#

STOOOOPPP

#

AAAAUUUGHHHH

#

hmm tomorrow I have no idea what I’ll do

#

I need to study tho

#

But I dont know

#

I’ve been studying like only 20min

#

And no progress

#

And exam is in like less than 2 months

#

Ughhh

#

WHYYY

hardy flax
#

He keeps being in my head

#

Hmm

#

Ima try to just study rn

#

It feels like Im back from feeling like after a month of the break up :/

#

And yet he says “What do you want me to say? I never helped anyone at this amount of sadness, Im not sure if I can help”

#

Ugh

#

Fine then

#

I’ll stop venting

#

He told me to be honest

#

To not pretend

#

He wanted my honesty

#

Ok

#

I gave him my honesty

#

How I feel

#

My whole emotions and wtv

#

And then this is what he says?

#

Im not gonna be honest then

#

And I already told him that

#

He just hasnt responded cuz he’s busy

#

So like

#

Idk

#

I dont expect him to say “Im sorry”

#

Like

#

What are u even sorry about?

#

I just want you in my arms again

#

But I cant say that

#

Why will I say that?

#

He doesnt love me

#

And whats the point in me saying that when he already knows that I still love him

hardy flax
#

Studying

#

Finished Chapter F05 Infection Control Exam

#

I got like 86%

#

74 questions

#

My head kinda hurts

#

I sent him a goodnight message and sweet dreams 🙂

hardy flax
#

Cried a bit again

#

Then I focused on… studying

#

After crying

#

And I got 86% on… ChF06

#

It had 43 question

#

I’ll prob do a bit more idk

#

Chapter F05 gives me a headache because it has a lot of questions

#

Chapter F06 talks about chemicals which isnt rlly bad

#

Now Ima do F07 which is electricity

#

Errr dont wanna do it but

#

Ima give it a try

hardy flax
#

I got a 67% :/ I forgot a lot about Electricity and my head started to hurt when it mentioned about the types of Electrotherapy stuff of what you can use and what they do

#

Im gonna end it here and tomorrow I’ll do Chapter 3-7 (not F03-F07)

#

A lot :/

#

Ugh

#

Man I feel empty lol

#

Literally like

#

I need him

#

Oh well

hardy flax
#

Just woke up

#

I sent him a goodmorning message

#

Told him about my dream

#

And thats it

#

Oh

#

And I said “keep working hard ^^”

#

Cuz I want him to try his best

hardy flax
#

I wonder if I wont get a warning if I say this lol

#

But I just started my period lol

#

And I know that I get lots of mood swings

#

I get rlly upset

#

And Im trying to control that emotion

#

Because last time that happened

#

Its what made me and my ex break up

#

Because I couldnt control myself and my emotions got the better of me

#

So

#

Idk

#

Im just gonna try to practice

#

To

#

Do self control

#

And calm myself down

#

Before I do or say anything that can damage me and my ex again

#

I dont wanna mess it up again…

#

I really dont..

#

Ok so

#

Right now I feel fine

#

As in

#

Emotionslly

#

But TOMORROW

#

since my ex will prob text me

#

Thats when I go back to

#

Not be so fine

#

Haha

#

Its ok tho

hardy flax
#

I ate something

#

Watched err

#

Coryxkenshin

#

Not bad

#

My stomach hurts

#

I took some pills

#

For cramps

#

Lowk bored and empty

hardy flax
#

Did chapter 3

#

I got 90% correct with 30 questions

#

Gonna do Chapter 4 that has 40 questions =~=

thin robin
#

HE'S MY FAVORITE YOUTUBERRR

#

So is Kubz Scouts

#

Sorry for not responding..uhh, I've felt really bad the past day and I don't have much energy to be on the app as much

#

I'm sorry

hardy flax
#

Hellooo

#

Its ok no worries lol

#

Hope things get better for you tho : (

#

Make sure to get rest ^^

hardy flax
hardy flax
#

Tbh watching his videos helps me forget about the hard stuff that Im dealing with yk?

#

And he makes my day better ^^

#

Gonna take my dog out for a walk soon

#

Took this picture yesterday

#

And sent it to my ex

#

Hope he likes it

#

Today I’ll go out for a walk again

#

In like

#

20min tho

hardy flax
#

Took the dog out for a walk

#

Sent him this

#

Told him that the sky looks pretty

#

Tomorrow he’ll see my mss

#

Idk if he’ll respond

#

To every of my message

#

But

#

Its fine

hardy flax
#

Haha

#

Am I crazy to think that in less than 24 hours

#

He’ll probably text me?

#

Haha

#

I’ll try studying right now before I go to my cousins house

#

Miss him

#

Hmm

#

In

#

21hours

#

He’ll text me

hardy flax
#

Couldnt study lol

#

Im at a friends house

#

Bored

#

Looking at stuff on Shein to buy

#

Kinda bored

#

Really bored actually lol

hardy flax
#

Crying

#

Right now

#

I sent him a message

#

“Kay well, hope you have the most beautiful night ever ^^ Im sure you worked really hard this week abi >:< and it mustve been rlly tiring to do a lat of wok, so good job for making it this far on this week ^^ very very good ^^ Im very proud of you, well then.. sleep well now 👋🏻pat 👋🏻pat 🙂 good job, sweet dreams mkay? 🙂 goodnight ^ - ^”

#

So

#

Im crying because

#

It hurts not saying “I love you ❤️”

#

It hurts not saying “😚❤️ Good job my cute boy”

#

It hurts

#

I hurts holding back a lot

#

It hurts

#

It hurts..

#

It hurts not saying “Mwa ❤️ Im proud of you my love 🤗❤️”

#

I miss

#

Us much

#

I miss it so much

#

It hurts

#

And to think that he is fine with it

#

That he can move on with it

#

That it doesnt bother him

#

That it doesnt hurt him

#

It hurts

#

Im crying a lot right now

#

I was in the car

#

And my sister was playing music on her phone

#

And the song was “Best Part”

#

And that song I have it on a playlist that me and my ex put

#

And

#

I remember the lyrics

#

And I remember how he would sing that song for me

#

And how we both would sing it together

#

And now Im crying so much

#

It hurts

#

It hurts

#

What happened to the “if life was a movie, well you’re the best part”? Huh? What happened to that?

#

I miss hearing him sing

#

I miss hearing his voice

#

And if I sent him a message now

#

About it

#

He’s gonna prob say

#

“What do you want me to say?”

#

LIKE DUDE

#

I MISS YOU?

#

I MISS US?

#

I MISS WHAT WE HAD?

#

Bro

#

IM CRYING AND BALLING MY EYES OUT RIGHT NOW

#

and all he can say is “what do you want me to say?”

#

Wtv

#

I miss home

#

Because I have my own room

#

And since Im not home right now

#

I cant cry peacefully without my sister being nosy

#

Or my parents forcing me to say whats wrong

#

And I especially cant tell him how I feel right now

#

That Im crying right now

#

1 because he’s busy and cant answer

#

And 2 is because he wouldnt know what to say or how to help

#

And 3

#

He doesnt love me, he isnt my boy friend, he’s my ex

#

Also

#

4

#

He told me to be honest with him, for me to not pretend whenever I talk to him (he said that like..4 weeks ago)

#

So I became honest with him

#

I vented

#

But whats the pointing in telling my ex how I feel, how I miss us

#

When he says “I never helped anyone at this degree, I dont know what you want me to say and Im not sure if I can even help you”

#

So like

#

Why am I going to continue to be honest?i told him almost a week ago

hardy flax
#

That I was gonna stop being honest and venting

#

And I told him why

#

And

#

So

#

Ever since

#

I’ve been pretending to be fine

#

And to smile

#

🙂

hardy flax
#

I woke up

#

But

#

Why did I wake up

#

And I was just thinking about him

#

Remembering about us playing minecraft

#

And how at night I’d crouch and get close to him to get his attention

#

And ask for kisses

#

Ugh

#

I feel like

#

If I was literally old enough to drink

#

I would

#

Actually

#

Drink

#

Like

#

Literally us playing minecraft

#

Making our own house

#

And then he leaves

#

Breaks up

#

Like

#

Its like

#

He doesnt plan on finishing the house we were building

#

He doesnt plan to play together now?

#

Now he doesnt want to do matching avatar?

#

No more

#

Ugh

#

Nvm

#

Man

#

I feel

#

So darn bad

#

Like

#

Can anyone give me wine or sum?

#

Hahah..

#

Its..

#

11:04

#

He should kinda

#

Prob

#

Text me

#

In like

#

6 or 8 hours

#

Hahazz

#

Its been..

#

We broke up on August 1st

#

Its been 85 days

#

Cmon Esteban

#

Do you really not miss what we had?

#

Because Im just here

#

Missing us

#

What we did together

#

Ur..

#

“What do u want me to do?”

#

Look

#

I know we cant play Minecraft together

#

Im not that stupid

#

Because I know ur busy but

#

Why do you

#

Want it all to end?

#

Why?

#

Forget about other people

#

Just forget it

#

Forget about what people will say about me

#

I want you and I dont care about what happens if we get caught

#

I dont want to lose you

#

Like last time

#

I dont want us to get separated like last time

#

And it wont

#

Everything has been going fine so fsr

#

We’ve been working well together

#

Literally

#

Screw the future

#

If I can cuss I would

#

Just please

#

Please

#

Please Esteban

hardy flax
#

HE IGNORED ME

#

HE IGNORED EVERYTHING I SAID TO HIM

#

HE IGNORED AND GOD DAMN DODGE WHAT I SAID WHEN I VENTED WHEN I TOLD HIM HOW I FELT WHEN I SAID EVERY SINGLE THING

#

ALL HE IS TELLING ME IS ABOUT GOD DAMN SONIC AND SCHOOL AND WHATEVER LIKE BRO

#

WHAT A PROFESSIONAL IN DISREGARDING MY FEELINGS HUH?

#

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

#

PROFESSIONAL IN FORGETTING EVERYTHING I SAID AS IF IT NEVER HAPPEN

#

AS IF IT DOESNT EXIST

#

AS IF MY FEELINGS ARE NOTHING

#

NOTHING

#

NOTHING

#

NOTHING

#

NOTHING TO YOU

#

haha

#

Ha

#

Haha

#

Ugh

hardy flax
#

We were talking

#

What happened?

#

Why did he stop responding?

hardy flax
#

Why

#

We just talk a little bit today

#

Why?

#

I think since Im on my period Im more emotional

#

So having so say something with caps

#

Shows that

#

Im getting extra emotional

#

All because Im on my god damn period

hardy flax
#

He responded

#

He said that he got busy in asking his dad for help

hardy flax
#

We talked a bit here n there

#

Then he left again

#

Im sure he got busy

#

Im just

#

Feeling sad

#

I went out for a walk

#

Took a picture of the sunset

#

I looked very orange lol

#

But I sent the picture of the sunset to my ex

#

Saying that I hope he likes it

hardy flax
#

He was online for a minute

#

Then left

#

Oh well

#

I dont think he’ll return

#

I have to wait for a week then..

#

😕

#

Until next Saturday

#

He said on Wednesday he has a presentation of a 1v1?

#

So I’ll make sure to remember and support him from afar

#

🙂

#

It hurts

#

Haha..

hardy flax
#

I miss him

#

Oh wow

#

Yesterday I didnt say anything

#

I think its cuz

#

Tbh

#

Idk

#

Lol

#

Although

#

I did sent him a message again and then delete it

#

This is what I said..

#

Hey abi, I miss you and I love you. I wish I could draw us together again. But I know you probably wouldnt.. really feel so happy you know? I miss you so much. I miss us a lot. I wish I can see you. I wish to love you so so sooooooooo much. I wonder if you ever miss me. If you miss loving me. Do you? I mean if I ask that question right now, you wouldnt really know what to say to me. Altho Im sure its leaning towards a no right? Anyways. Im going to work hard Esteban King. Im going to study the best I can. So I can pass the exam and I really want to work. I want to work because I want to improve with whatever I’ll be doing. And earn more money and more and more. I’ll save up money Esteban. I want to save up money, 5 dollars every week maybe?

#

So in a year it will be $260. Well I’ll start off with 5 dollars 🙂 For the whole year, then next year will be 10 dollars a week that I’ll save up. So its gonna be.. $760 in total. Then third year will be $15, and I’ll keep going Esteban. Im saving up money in case something were to happen, if Im far away and I just.. want to be with you and spend money for you, then I will use what I saved up for. For you. I feel like shouldnt right? But I want to. So allow me. And dont worry, the rest of the money will be on necessities, like tax, insurance, bills, food, clothes and yk. Then whats left will be the things I want. But Ima commit into saving $5 every month. Perhaps a wedding? Lol, I dont know haha. Maybe it wont happen. But um.. I’ll be fine Esteban. I love you. A lot. In case you decide to be with someone else and never end up with me, I’ll use my saving for alcohol. Just kiddinggg. I’ll use it for idk.. travels. Alone 🥲 I really dreamed in going with you. Soooo

#

I hope we can be together again. I miss you so much. Having to talk to you like.. every Saturday is a struggle because it feels like.. man you really REALLY dont love me and wow it hurts yk? It hurts so much and I want to cry. Every time we talk then at night I end up crying. Because Esteban I miss us so much. I miss my sweet boy the boy I cared so much, I miss you my sweet baby. I miss you so much and it hurts. Every time I look at a guy around my age, I kid you not, I feel anger, this hate towards me like “I am not interested in you” but if they show that they only want to be friends then ok you’re cool 😊 but if they try to give me signals then SCRAM, BARK BARK BARK, MY HEART IS TAKEN 😠 GO LOOK FOR ANOTHER GIRL 😡 my heart YEARNS for another guy, and thats you! So Ima work hard Esteban, you dont know if u want me or not but Im working hard for myself to be with you someday. I love you Esteban. I always will. Kay? I have to go now, take care, I love you 🙂 be safe.

#

And there u have it!

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Thats what I said haha…

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I need help huh?

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Im on my own now…

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And trying to be there for others..

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Who will be there for me?

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He used to be there for me..

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Now he’s gone

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And Im going be there for him..

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Haha.

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I miss him..

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Of course I do

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Everyday I miss him

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He’s right

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Being in a relationship

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A girl requires needs from her boy friend

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And he cant do that since he has so much things

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Many things I mean

hardy flax
#

So

#

He is kinda unsure now

#

So in the meantime

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I’ll be there for him

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Anddd

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Well

#

I sent him a message

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Im doing my best to be happy btw and Im kinda forcing it

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Especially forcing a smile

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But I just dont want him to keep seeing me sad

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Cuz like he isnt gonna do anything

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And besides

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He isnt my boy friend

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Why would he be there for me?

#

He wanted my honest

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Look what that lead to 🙂

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He made it worse

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So

#

No honesty 😁

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Anywaysss

#

This is what I said to him

#

“OMG ABIIII, yk what? I have a surprise for you! I know how hard you’ve been working. And so far its been I believeeeeeee 9 weeks since you started college. Almost done with 1st semester! More than halfway there ALTHOUGH, I get the feeling that it’ll be extra more work cuz of finals and exams yk? BUT BUT, look, I know how much u wanted to lock in in college and Im happy for you that ur doing that. So, I was just watching reels and I saw this awesome video and WOAHHHHHH It looks awesome!!! So so, I wanna draw and see if I can make it look extra cooler and surprise you! Well.. idk if its really a surprise meh, I think I exaggerated there ;/-/; Im sorry. What I mean is.. I wanna do sum for you, and give it to you, for all ur hard work 🙂 Im not doing it because uh I wanna express how I feel No no no, its not that at all. As I said, I wanna do it cuz u deserve it 😊 BUT I NEED TO GO BACK HOMEEEEEEEE 😭😭😭”

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Soooo

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Basically

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The gift is that

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Knowing how he loves the game Hollow Knight

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And he also loves Demon Slayer

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I wanna draw Regoku+Knight

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I SUCK AT DRAWING THAT

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But!!

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Ima do it

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Why?

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Because he has worked really hard and he has made it this far

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Like aside from the break up

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Im really focused on the uh

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Uh

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Oh yeah on his college

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Yk?

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Its just

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A part of me still feels like he’s part of the family

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Even when my parents dont accept him

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I feel like he’s part of my family

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Its weird isnt it?

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I know

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Im weird

hardy flax
#

I miss you everyday

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Every single god damn day

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Hoping that we could be together again

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Maybe in a few months?

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In a year?

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2?

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Doesnt matter how long

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All it matters to me is if we’ll be together again

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Because I want to be with you

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Im doing my best

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I miss you

hardy flax
#

I’ve been doing my best to focus on studying

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My head… ughhh

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But Ima keep trying!!!

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I want to get a job

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I need ton

#

!

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To*

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i want to see him!

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I need to learn how to drive

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I gotta meet him somehow

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Be with him

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Just a bit more

#

Perhaps

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I have to I have to!

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And I also have to be there for him

hardy flax
#

Im tired

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Tomorrow will officially be

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90days since the break up

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Its ok tho

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I must work hard

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Study

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And get a job as soon as possible >:(((

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so I can START LIVINGGGG

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actuallyyyy

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I have a plann >:3

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So the plan is

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Wait wait wait

#

Before I say what my plan is

#

Just wanna say that my dad plans to move somewhere else

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And he believes that I want to move somewhere else as well

#

And he says “we’re gonna work hard as a family, and you (me) are going to help me with putting money for the house, so that we can go there and live there”

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And tbh

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I dont want that

#

HE wants that

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But thats not my objective

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I want to be where I can be close to my ex

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So

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I plan to stay where I was born to live

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Even tho its very expensive

#

Taxes 😭 and yes where my dad will want to live will be less expensive 😭

#

Im not going to move out either way

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Im gonna stay

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But I dont want to make my dad work hard alone in putting money or saving up money for the house that he wants

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I want him to achieve his dream home

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Since he said that he always wanted to live there since he was 8

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Now

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THE PLAN

#

AHEM

#

its for me to get a job

#

Ima prob be a hairstylist

#

So I’ll earn like

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$50 a day

#

And Ima start low with money

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Which is totally fine

#

We all start low at some point in our lives

#

I might work 5 or 4 days a week

#

So I’ll earn like $200 week

#

Then $800 a month I hope 🤞🏻🤞🏻

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Wait

#

Oh no yeah lol

#

Or maybe I might end up getting $30 a day

#

I mean I gotta be crazy realistic

#

So

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$150 😭 a week

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I mean thats fine right?

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Then $600 a month

#

Not enough to pay the bills 😭

hardy flax
#

Mkay Im back

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JEEZ APARTMENT COST $2k a month!