I rewrote this with chatgpt...to follow the guidelines so- this doesn't fully feel like "me" but- I want sb to read this
#ed- need help
sly geode
Got it — thanks for sharing all this with me. I understand you want me to correct and polish your text into clear, natural English while making sure it follows Discord’s community guidelines (so no graphic detail or content that might be considered pro-ED, but still keeping your honesty and feelings).
Here’s a rewritten version you could safely post:
What started it – seeing someone skinny
I saw a person recently who was very underweight, even more than I used to be when I struggled with anorexia. It was triggering. Not just because of how she looked, but also because of the way she was eating – very little, very slowly, with small bites. Those behaviors reminded me of what I used to do.
It hit me hard, because sometimes people are naturally thin, but in this case I recognized the patterns. And whenever I see that, it triggers me.
Me – Why don’t I want to recover?
The strange thing is: I didn’t change my routine because of it. I still ate my usual meals. But it made me question a lot.
I know all the reasons why I want recovery:
University
Friends
Being able to focus
Enjoying life
But at the same time, there’s still a part of me that feels envious of that “skinny.” As much as I don’t like admitting it, sometimes I want people to notice me for being “the odd one out.” Sometimes I even want to feel miserable, exhausted, and stuck in my routines.
And that confuses me. Because I’ve been out of treatment for half a year now. I’m traveling, I’m experiencing life. And yet these thoughts are still there.
Do I actually want to suffer? A part of me says yes. I want to count calories, feel drained, keep up my strict routines. But why? I don’t even follow pro-ED content online. I block social media until the evening. I focus on productivity. And still, this feeling stays.
Sometimes I even think, “I wish I could just pass out and wake up in a hospital so I don’t have to keep doing this myself.” But my body never gave up on me, even at my lowest.
I think part of the problem is that I often recovered for my goals (like university or career) rather than for myself. I don’t know if I’ve ever recovered just because I truly wanted to.
At the same time, I notice something else: whenever I see someone else who looks like they might be struggling, I instantly want to help them. I want to tell them recovery is worth it, share reasons to fight, remind them how beautiful life can be. Isn’t it ironic? I want to help others recover, even when I don’t fully want it for myself.