I'm 34, I hate who I am and it's been this way my whole life

[signal juniper]

I've never been social, namely because I had a shitty childhood being bullied, where I basically evolved into a mute, because I either say the wrong thing which rubs people the wrong way or I just have nothing worth talking about. I've been told I can come across as too arrogant for my britches because I don't speak. As if I'm too good to talk some people. I've also been told I always bring the conversation around back about myself (which I am definitely guilty of, but I just can never get others talking about themselves.)

Presently, my life is still shit, aside from my siblings, basically my entire family has died in the passed 5 years. All relatively young (oldest was 63). Anyways, given who I am, and my situation. I have basically nothing interesting to talk about, since my life is so depressing. I don't have any interesting hobbies that I'm good at (I do computer mods, I suck at drawing when I'd like to draw comics, I'm a gamer, whoopie).

The death has been nonstop, my grandfather(58) died in 2011 from a heart attack, which doesn't really "apply" to this so to speak, but it basically started in 2019, my uncle, who was 45, died of a heart attack, then my grandmother(63) died in 2021 from cancer, 11 months to the day from that, my stepfather, 54 died from cancer, 10 months from that, my other uncle, 46 died from either murder or an OD. And now, in November, my mother, 52, died from something (they wouldn't do an autopsy unless we paid out of pocket because she had a laundry list of health problems, fucking assholes.)

So yeah, it's been....rough to say the least. I'm the oldest of my siblings, they both have kids of their own, whereas I've never even had a gf in my life.

Given how shitty our home life was, we are not the closest of siblings, my mother and sister had a very strained relationship, and she moved in with my grandmother at an early age, she's basically isolated herself to mainly her family, she and my brother have no real connection, aside from when mom just died, what she said will forever stick with me. "We are trauma bonded now buddy, we dressed our dead mother". I live with my slob of a brother, and am ready to tell him to get out.

I need to get back to my DR soon so I can do something about what I am assuming is PTSD, I'm not one of those self diagnosing people but I am pretty confident that's what I'm dealing with. I am constantly flashed back to the moment where I found my mother dead and had to start CPR. I try to stay busy as much as possible but even then it sneaks on me. That's why I can't take my 15 min breaks and I hate taking the hour lunch.

My weight/physical appearance has always been an issue, even more so now that my hair is thinning really bad. Nothing about me screams "approach and talk to". Most of my meaningful conversations are with people I've met online. But in person that's just not a thing. I hate small talk, and it never evolves beyond "how's your day, have a good night/weekend" type shit. At work especially when I'd like to get to talking to specific people more, most of the talk is in passing as we're doing our jobs.

I don't do well around large groups of people socializing, it's even harder when at work everyone already has their own social group, whereas I basically go off and do my own thing alone during lunch/breaks.

I'm working on getting myself out of being fat and hopefully I can stay committed to it, but with how shitty my life is I don't care 99.9% of the time. I don't even have a vehicle anymore due to hitting a deer among other reasons, and it'll be a while before I can get another one so I can't even go out and do things.

My living situation is shit, this place is a dump (which I'm working on getting out of due the landlord being a slumlord and this place is not habitable, hopefully taking over my sisters place soon). Currently my only mode of transportation is an ebike, which I save strictly for work. Once I move again I'm going to work on getting another vehicle.

Given my situation, wtf can I do? I have no "approach me" type charisma or w/e the hell you want to call it. I can never stay focused/committed to some things, which makes learning new things difficult. I just feel like an unfixable mess.

[rotund willow]

man. i dont think theres any advice i can give you havent heard or would actually be helpful. someone will love you.

I reccomend therapy in a non derogatory way

[rocky granite]

I just want to say, I’m really sorry for everything you’ve gone through. That’s an unbelievable amount of loss and pain for one person to carry, and the fact you’re still standing says a lot about your strength—even if you don’t feel strong right now.

I don’t think you’re arrogant, and I don’t think you’re boring either. You’ve just been through so much that it makes sense you feel stuck or unsure how to connect with people. A lot of people struggle with talking about themselves or finding the right words—so you’re not alone in that.

I don’t expect you to have hobbies or stories to impress anyone. I’d be happy just talking with you about little things, even gaming or mods or whatever you enjoy. I actually want to get to know you, not judge you.

You deserve to have friends and people who see the real you, not just the pain you’ve had to live through. I’m here, and I want you to know you don’t have to go through this all by yourself anymore.

[north roost]

@signal juniper

You doing okay?

[signal juniper]

I'm existing at this rate lol

I go to work, come home to nobody except my mom's chihuahua's, I eat, sleep, shower, go to work, repeat

[radiant wave]

Go to chatgpt or any AI, describe how your childhood was and what behaviors it could have altered, ask for a list of those behaviors

after you get the list ask how to overcome them and if you are open to a slow process this may help