I know how it looks like—but I truly believe I am the problem, I initiate it. But it’s not because I want to, it’s because I cant control my explosive emotions. I’ve always reacted badly in negative ways, I’ve had issues with my family and past pain with friends, ex, and family again that still haunts me to this very day. And I noticed that it takes me very long to heal from it. I couldn’t fix myself fast enough and his family would say things like they wouldn’t put up with the things I’m doing to him and that I’m toxic. That’s their own opinion and I respect it, they only wants what’s best for him because lately for 8 months he’s been crashing out in uni and on himself because of me. For months I’ve always (unintentionally) demanded my feelings and needs to be put first. Even if it costs him failing a year in uni, lacking sleep for how many weeks (because of our time zone differences), and just losing himself because I had always called him needing him, and although he doesn’t mind being depended on—it always turns into a fight by the slightest mistake he’d make. For example saying the wrong thing, telling me to calm down that I might be overreacting. Telling me that he wont put up with “this” anymore. I need the kind of love where he’ll still put up with me whilst I fix myself but he needs someone who’s more inclined to give him peace. I agree that I should’ve been that person in the first place, I shouldn’t have made him responsible for fixing my problems because we had problems of our own and we were trying to fix our lives to be together and now I fucked it up. I pushed him to his limit and how he says I either respect what he needs and put ourselves in a break of 3 months. Which means no texting, calling, and no labels of boyfriend and girlfriend anymore. He says that we’ve lost ourselves and that we’ve skipped so many steps in the relationship i.e. setting boundaries, addressing needs and applying them and such—and that it was too soon for us to meet…I just need someone to talk to because it’s been the first day and I cannot believe we’re actually doing this. I’m scared to be alone, I want him and only him to be here. And it sucks, and I’ve explained this to him because i’m already counting on the right words because that’s the only thing I could get since we’re ldr… he cant exactly comfort me with a hug. My heart’s shattered, how could he give up? How could he tap out when we haven’t even started? It’s been a year now together and we’ve met in person for a month and let me tell you we are so matched in person, it’s just the online thing… I’m someone who needs him here for comfort and he’s someone who needs space for comfort. I dont know why I wont change, and why it’s so hard—and I miss him. He says he’ll have to see if I’m cut out for this relationship if I deserve him, because if he sees that I haven’t changed at all then it’s concluded in his head, we’re not meant to be together.
#need advice on having a break from an ldr relationship
rich osprey
serene vapor
You’re carrying so much pain right now, and it’s honestly brave of you to speak it so openly. What you’re describing feels really heavy, not just the heartbreak, but the weight of self-blame, confusion, and fear.
It makes complete sense that your emotions feel intense when there’s so much old hurt still sitting under the surface. You’re not doing this on purpose. It sounds like your past experiences have left deep marks that never got the care they needed. That kind of pain doesn’t go away overnight, and it can show up in ways that feel out of your control.
It also makes sense that this break feels terrifying. You miss him. You want closeness and safety, and right now it feels like that’s being taken away. But needing comfort isn’t a flaw. It just means you’ve been holding everything in for too long and now it’s spilling out.
What stands out most is your self-awareness. You’re not making excuses—you’re reflecting, you’re noticing patterns, you’re seeing how things went wrong. That’s not nothing. That’s a beginning.
This break, even though it hurts, might be a chance to focus on you—not to fix everything at once, but to start healing the parts of you that are still hurting. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone. Just taking care of yourself little by little is more than enough.
If this feels like too much to carry alone, please consider reaching out to a therapist or support group. It’s okay to get help. You deserve support in this, not judgment.
You’ve taken a really important step by opening up about this. That matters. And you're not alone, even if it feels like it right now.
rich osprey
You’re carrying so much pain right now, and it’s honestly brave of you to speak ...
Hi there, I appreciate you messaging this to me… sometimes I do want to hear someone tell me that I am trying, I want to be seen that it’s really hard for me beneath my tough surface. And although I cant expect that from him now because of course this is all new to him, it’s my and his first relationship so it’s expected he’d tap out. But I still love him nonetheless. I dont exactly have a support group, a therapist might be doable but it takes a lot for me to do it all on my own—I dont know how to exactly fix myself, where to start. And it hurts me that he’s now left me alone to pick up the pieces. I’ve struggled with friend groups before and it took me years to master it, to learn more about people, why couldn’t he understand that this is the kind of the person I am—I’m confident enough that I’ll change but please if he could give me time with this. He knows everything about me and it’s not just past trauma, I still have present trauma with myself and my family until now. And I’m just so sorry that I couldn’t give him that peace. I know he has needs too and I appreciate it that he allows me to be selfish—to put my needs above his for months, even when he wanted space for example, he pushes his needs away to prioritize my happiness.
Now I’m so scared that during these 3 months, he’ll change. He might think I’m better off without him or the other way around.
I never intended this to happen but look what I’ve done. I’m not allowed to text him or call him despite us being ldr. And although it’s a good sign that he keeps our Instagram posts, he doesn’t change anything about us online. He won’t tell anyone in his family that we’re on a break, but he told me to scratch the label that I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore and that I should accept it and that I should also expect that when the three months are up, we will start fresh. We will start new. We will start from the very beginning, but this time we’ll prioritize each other and apply would be learned and in those reflections during those three months.