Hey guys just looking for some advice and possible someone who I can talk to, to keep my mind off of the breakup. Context is essentially I met this girl in highschool we hit it off as friends but we weren't too close due to their constant travels leaving italy for 4 months in the summer after graduation. Then after coming back for 2 or so months they ended up doing a program on a boat for an another 4 months and then going to japan for 6. I knew from the start I had strong feelings for them and I tried at every turn to foster something and eventually it paid off after they came back from japan. We had honestly a great and loving relationship for about 2-3 months until Sometime early November last year I found out they were essentially in a fwb situation their 30yr old tour guide while in Kyoto which messed me up. This led to me going radio silent from time to time and bottling up my feelings and just essentially not communicating. Which exploded when they left for a new year get together with family in hawaii. We had a argument about my worth and how tired I felt from chasing her . We went on a break but go back together after that but I was still mentally hurt and feeling the recoil from alot of the things that was happening our relationship which eventually led to the breakup in late may-juneish. The throughout the breakup have voiced that they still wanted to be friends however I just found it difficult and after coming back from a work trip about a week ago we reconvened, where I then found out they were romantically interested in another dude. It was honestly soul crushing enough to sort of hear about it but I know their going on a date tonight and its fucking me up even harder and I just need some advice or someone to talk to to keep my mind off. I skipped over alot of detail but if anyone has anything they'd like me to elaborate on or a tldr please lemme know
#Ex fell in love with a new dude 2 months after the breakup
vapid arrow
slender plume
My ex fell in love with a dude 1 week after we broke up.
vapid arrow
dude its fucking rough man
it makes me question whether she had loved me in the first place but when I think about all the things she use to do for me and how we use to be I just get trapped in this mental loop that feels like poison
how did you end up handling that man and did you end up healing from it brother?
slender plume
Sooo it sounds like she doesnt care. Like she may have enjoyed those moments with you and cares about you to an extent. But i dont think she necessarily loves you or even sees anything going forward like marriage. Considering she basically cheated right? and also has attraction for other guys and still wants to be friends. Thats crazy
She's keeping you as a back up option in case those other guys dont go well
It's not about healing. It's not about handling it. For me, it was learning ( so sure healing)
But essentially learning what i need from my partner, what i want, and how to tell that they qualify for ME to give them the effort
vapid arrow
lowkey what fucks me up is that this dude is like nigh identical to me like similar build height hobbies n interests and even personaility from the 2 times i've seen the dude
slender plume
Qualify might feel like you're interviewing them, but thats quite literally what dating is. Know youre worth is the main thing
vapid arrow
its just hard to feel like your worth it when you get played hard man
slender plume
She might have a type, but again its up to her to know what shes thinking. I would literally forget about her
She sounds like bad news
So you avoid getting played, you've learned now.
vapid arrow
I'm trying but alot of the shit I have around the house is from her and alot of my memories are still fresh in my head
slender plume
You know the signs, take a step back. Evaluate everything she did. Don't try to see where it went wrong, try to see where you can apply it to your next relationship
That way you dont fall to the same mistake
vapid arrow
I've put everything away in a box but just trynna keep my mind off their date tonight is making me feel like shit yk
slender plume
Oh yea memories are still fresh in my head
My ex was a fucking baddie lmao she was a 10
Great memories, funny memories, i loved her a lot
vapid arrow
we were still texting up until last night but I made the decision to block them on everything and delete everything we have this morning
slender plume
But you get played, she wanted attention. I gave it. Once she knew she could find someone better, she did. And thats where you come to learn what you provide. I was not enough.
vapid arrow
I felt like that was my first step in the right direction but its been hella hard
vapid arrow
yeah I'm also trynna put myself out more as well to distract from the pain
slender plume
You will absolutely never forget, ever. It will dull in your head and eventually you find someone else and all of that becomes irrelevant
vapid arrow
we both ended up focusing on each other really hard to the point where we basically hung out daily for about a whole year which led to me not talking to some friends for a fat minute so I'm trynna to get back some of my connectiosn that I've lost from that
slender plume
Thats good, yea put yourself out there. Try to better yourself too. girls will see that
vapid arrow
the pain of feeling how fast they moved on and how theyre trynna fuck some new dude whos basically just me is just getting to me
slender plume
we both ended up focusing on each other really hard to the point where we basica...
Yea i get that. I've been through that and with money, spending for 2 people takes a huge toll. My expenses on just food were so high in 2023 & 2024
slender plume
the pain of feeling how fast they moved on and how theyre trynna fuck some new d...
It is what it is. You have to accept it, sooner or later and its better if sooner.
vapid arrow
like I feel like its a rebound but its probably not too healthy to focus on that since who the hell knows lmao
slender plume
Youre gonna find a girl who will love you so deeply, she will be so excited to see you every single day. Trust me.
Exposure is all it is. You show your worth to the world and one of them will reciprocate the same way you feel
vapid arrow
Yea i get that. I've been through that and with money, spending for 2 people tak...
same man I can't believe I was still spending money on gifts for her and flowers and stuff just until a week ago
slender plume
and more
opaque vigil
Dude, you didnt just dodge a bullet, you dodged a whole missile. You will find someone who will value you and love you and wont play stupid games like that and rebound/monkeybranch
vapid arrow
thanks dude I appreciate that
just tryning to curb the immediate pain right now of imaging them together
opaque vigil
I had my ex monkeybranch during our 6 year relationship to my best friend who is nigh identical like you mentioned before, but the moment people do that, they shouldn't even be in your mind anymore, she showed you who she is
vapid arrow
hurt so much that they've been slowly dodging me and avoiding me to make time for this new dude
I feel alot better about the breakup now but can't get over this switch
like I keep trying to cope to myself but I know its most important to stop thinking about it
slender plume
Oh yea its not going to be easy to dull the memories, or to dull your imagination of what couldve been/them together. I cried for 3 months before I even felt any sort of healing. and then a year later I still felt the lingering pain. Now im in a wonderful relationship with someone who loves and respects me to the fullest. But thats also because I made sure I knew what she was like before anything else.
vapid arrow
I just opened my heart to the wrong person I think
and I'm just putting too much of my heart on them now still
slender plume
You wont stop thinking about it until you either really improve your life in some way, like go to the gym or work more. Some type of improvement in your life. Or until someone who is actually good for you comes to your life
slender plume
I just opened my heart to the wrong person I think
yea exactly
vapid arrow
I know I can't let her have this much of an impact on my life after the pain she caused me but its hard to close your heart to someone who you had it open all the way for
vapid arrow
yeah been hitting the gym and trying to better myself mentally but its the same loop of getting hit by nostalgia and then getting fucked over by past memories
I just hope these feelings fade eventually
vapid arrow
yeah I think I know that deep down too but shit man it just feels like time is moving so slowly
vapid arrow
yeah been trying to connect with some old bros and people who I've lost to fill this hole she left
slender plume
Thats good, at least you can try to rebuild connections
vapid arrow
its just been rough today cause thought of the date is choking the shit outta me
I think tomorrow and once I can get into the habit of not knowing what their up to I'll be aight
slender plume
Like i said tho, let her make that impact on you, let it be her that you feel pain cause you can apply that all to your next relationship and you will love even better than before (if that makes sense)
vapid arrow
yeah I get what you mean all my friends I've talked to have told me this is a teachable moment
sometime that I can takeaway from
and I'm moving forward with that mindset
slender plume
you probably dont feel like dating again or trying. but i would suggest it to be honest
vapid arrow
but the immediate pain is just still so suffocating yk like my chest feels heavy and tight and my energy levels been low
slender plume
try doing it again but in the perspective of finding the right one. not like a rebound
vapid arrow
idk man I could probably try for dating apps or going out to a few bars or clubs but shit dude I just can't bring myself to do it
slender plume
that way you'll see that people are probably looking for the same things
give yourself a bit of time to rest, and try it. you'll talk to more people, and do it with low expectations. just to keep talking to people
vapid arrow
you cool if I give you a call though? Since it feels like you've got alot of good practical advice and I'm interested in hearing more and I feel like the convo might be more fluid over a call