#Austin's Corner

199 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

grave phoenix
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I'm going to tell my life story and then try to work through it and all of my problems.------ feel free to comment or give advice/make me feel not alone.

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Hi, to anyone reading this, my name is Austin. I was born in Norfolk, Virginia.

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My first memory is of my dad screaming at my mom while she sat behind a table crying. He then slammed his hands on the table making her cry more. Someone was holding me in their arms, but I have no recollection of who. Thankfully, that's where that memory ends.

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From here on its just bits and pieces until my dad left when I was 2. From there my family moved (me, mom, and my older sister) to live with my stepdad Scott who worked in the navy. He was a good dad. He taught me my love of videogames through the PlayStation 3. I remember he would leave for months on deployment and I was always so sad I couldn't see him. Around this time I remember we also got a boxer named max but he sadly died before we had even had him a full year. Another thing that happened around this time was me suffering from viral meningitis. The only things I really remember are getting really tired and warm at a family friends house before napping in a chair. The next thing I know my mom is coming over worried checking on me and saying that I was abnormally warm. After that we went and got me checked into a hospital but all i remember are looking at the tag on my arm then looking up blurrily at the ceiling in the ambulance, then I woke up in another hospital. I remember my mom sleeping there with me and asking if I could play angry birds on her phone. I would also vomit every single time I woke up. I think I was hospitalized for 2 days, but that was it. I'd say this is the closest I got to dying.

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The only other notable event from this time was when my little sister was born when I was 5. After that my stepdad had to be redeployed, but my mom had stuff going on with her body so we had to go to O' ahu, Hawaii so we could be close to a special doctor for her. My stepdad ended up working the pearl harbor memorial . We fully moved when I was 6. I remember being so scared to make new friends. Thankfully, I connected with the other kids there who all also had parents that worked in the navy.

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This was when I met a friend named Gerald who was 2 years older than me. At first, we were normal friends that would do things like game together but then it got weird. I don't really remember these next parts well so bare with me. MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGGGGG
I think specifically it started when he asked me if i knew what pedobear was. Being a dumb child I asked him what that was. If you don't know, look it up. I remember being confused by what was happening on screen and I asked him what was going on...... he then asked me if I wanted to try it..... I said sure

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This started a long weird relationship I had with gerald where we would go dryhump in his room. There we times without clothes…… I don't know why we did this. I don't know why I did it, but it happened and that is unfortunately a part of me. I get I didn’t know any better but I feel so disgusting over it. I wish this never happened. (I was either 6,7 or 8 at the time with the higher likely being 6 or 7)

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it disgusts me

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Gerald ended up having a falling out about a year or so into me knowing him because he called me racist over something that I can't even completely remember, but I ran out of his house crying and then just kind of stopped going over to hang out. I remember trying to go over like 6 months later, but he had moved. Fast forward 2 years and I was still living in Hawaii, then one random day I saw him. It was Gerald in the flesh. We ended up catching up and becoming pretty good friends again. this is unimportant but i realized i never mentioned it and it deserves a spot because it meant something to me. When we moved my mom started going to church and she wanted us to be a part of that. We started going to this small church in a building with a lot of stairs. I remember it would bore me to death unless she put a video on because they would always talk about animals and how god helped them or something it was a cartoon and my kid brain liked it. From there we ended up going to a bigger church and I LOVED this place. The church was entertaining for both adults and kids because they were broken up and i enjoyed that. They also had a potluck on the first sunday of every month for morning mass and the food was always so delicious but yeah i loved this church but hated how my mom started forcing me to go to the extremely boring adult mass. This has now grown into me hating the idea of forcing religion on anyone and I have a very hard time talking about religion without becoming angry. Another major event i forgot to mention was me getting diagnosed with ADHD. I started going to a group thing with other kids at this big hospital and idk trying to find ways to cope with our messed up minds idk i dont really remember. Eventually, I stopped going to this group for whatever reason and started meeting one on one with this guy doctor idk his name and he taught me my love for chess and magnetic fidget toys.

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Couldn't fit this anywhere else, but while living in Hawaii (O'ahu, Close to Honolulu) I experienced the death of a loved one in the most surreal way. We had another family we were extremely close with so much so that we even had Easter with them 2 years I can distinctly remember anyways the death was of the mother of that family (can't remember her name I will ask my mom later). I remember being outside playing with my friends in this field in the center of my cul-de-sac and I remember my mom yelling over to me to come inside real fast and when I did she either took me upstairs or I ran up after hearing the news of that woman's passing and it crushed me knowing I couldn't do all of the things I wanted to do with her and for some reason throwing a frisbee was what my kid brain wanted. I remember going to her funeral and crying my eyes out. I remember seeing her and Im pretty sure I remember touching her had and realizing how cold she was and I just kept crying. Yeah just wanted to add it because it happened and I wish to acknowledge that part of my life.
We never ended up talking about the dryhumping stuff and still haven't to this day. Fast forward a few months and I came down with a terrible fever of around 104-106 F. This isn't really important but for the few days I was sicker than a dog and couldn't get out of bed my friend Gerald would come over and play prototype on my PlayStation 3 so I could watch. I think that was really cool of him.

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Fast forwarding AGAIN my friend Gerald ended up having to move back to the Philippines with his family so I was left alone for the summer before I also had to move. This is where I'd say my life takes a turn for the worst.

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My family was unsure of where to move or something of that sort i don't really know but we (mom, stepdad, and sisters) all went and moved in with my (not blood related) aunt in PA. This is also where i should mention that I do not have grandparents/realtives. I only have my mom and sisters. Anyway moving on, we moved in after I had finished 4th grade so it was the summer going into my 5th grade year. I was extrememly anxious and was constantly sad because as it turns out my dad was being stationed in Virginia and for some reason we couldn't go with him. I'm assuming my parents were struggling and just never said anything, but I am unsure. My memories from around this time are hazy, but I will get into that more in the future.

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While living there it wasn't bad at first, but then before the school year started my aunt and uncle started treating my and my sisters like dirt. They would constantly yell at us about cleaning things up and taking the dogs out when it was their own kids jobs and they just weren't doing it. My dad then had to leave and it just got so much worse from there. My aunt had 3 boxers 2 boys and 1 girl and the two boys would fight ALL OF THE TIME. It would be so brutal and the way my uncle would break it up was by throwing the dog he liked the least pontuse DOWN THE FUCKING STAIRCASE

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When the school year started I was a mess. I would cry all the time missing my dad and I was terrified to find out that the curriculum that I had learned in Hawaii was behind that of PA so I sadly had catching up to do. I couldnt write in cursive and they had all been doing it since 1st grade. I didn't know multiplication with 2 numbers that both had 2 digits and it was so overwelhming. I also had to adjust to their system of reading with the STAR bullshit where you had to read a book and then take a test on it so you could prove you read it. They used this to give us a big reward, but the first quarter I was there I didn't know about it so I tried catching up by reading 26 books but i did terribly on the tests and couldn't go on the trip. I remember being so devastated, but thankfully my teacher Ms. Spiga let me go because she recognized the effort I was putting in.

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I started getting bullied in school around this time because before school due to all of screaming and yelling I picked up the awful habit of stress eating, which resulted in me being a weight of 109 by the time i entered school (I gained 30 pounds in the span of 2 months) resulting in me getting obviously fat. I even had the moobs to boot. At some point I also stopped cutting my hair and just let it grow out extremely long but i cant for the life of me remeber if this was before 5th grade or after but i do know it was because i felt like i was losing all control in my life.

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As a result, all of the people around me would make remarks on my looks and weight. My own (non-blood related) relatives would make fun of me and it hurt. School wasn't too bad. I would say I was decently popular and most people liked me. I was more friends with all of the girls despite being a man, but I think that was just because i was fat and had longer hair.

grave phoenix
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I unfortunately had to move away after my 5th grade year, which devasted me. I was so happy to finally have all of the friends i wanted and now they were all gone. I remember begging and pleading with my mom for us not to move but she would not listen. From there we moved in with my stepdad in Virginia in Newport News. This year is the reason i am so depressed. At the beginning of the year my mom gave me a choice. To be homeschooled or go to public school and not wanting to go through the stress and anxiety of getting new friends I chose to homeschool. I regret this decision so much. I can confidently say I learned nothing from this school year. At first, things were normal. My mom got me and my sister chromebooks so we could do online and my little sister went to public school. I started delving into my love of videogames around this time and played on my playstation 4 a lot.

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Then i asked for my own computer for christmas and that was probably one of the worst thing i have ever done. After getting it I barely left my room unless i was going to eat or shower or use the restroom.

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I gained a lot of weight around this time and that ended up being another 30 or so pounds and my mom assumed something was wrong with me health wise so we went to a ton of doctors around this time and we found out that i have fatty liver disease/ autoimmune liver disease. They told me at 11/12 years old that I would likely unalive around the age of 45. This utterly wrecked my mental health. Way more than i realized. In combination with the new computer, lack of socializing, and new unalive date i became deeply depressed and i sadly still am today

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that is the reason i share this

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I am still feeling how i did all those years ago. (6 years btw don't think i mentioned i am 18) I feel empty . There is just nothing under the hood and idk why. I'd say i feel happy and sad and i still feel emotions they just aren't concrete. Im always left with this emptiness inside in the end.

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Continuing on with my life story I ended up moving back to PA, but i became extremely pessimistic about life. When i came back people were happy to see me but they could tell i had become different because of both the long hair (probably about 11 inches in length around this point), fatness and depression. I become extremely withdrawn during this time and wouldn't really talk to that many people. Throughout my time during middle school i played catchup and was just kind of drifting along. At this point I didn't think i was depressed so i just kind of lived with a lack of actual emotion. I can laugh at jokes and that stuff but it doesn't really feel genuine and im always left feeling empty afterwards. I do, of course, now realize this is not normal even though my brain normalized it for me at the time. This all came to a front when during thanksgiving of my 7th grade year I was institutionalized in a psych ward because my friends had reported me to say to say thinking i was going to unalive myself. I spent my entire thanksgiving break in that place. I will admit that it helped me feel somewhat better and not as alone and from here on. This put me a good bit back in touch with my emotions although I can say they weren't entirely there all the time. Anyways the rest of that school year was decent I think (can't remember well my depression took those years from me sadly), then covid hit as everyone knows (my 7th grade year) and the world shut down. During this time i just played on my computer all of the time with my friends and it was just constant laughter and i loved it. The transition back into school though was not good because we had to wear masks and the like. I felt a good amount of emotion during this time and not everything felt rehearsed or as if I was giving someones else's answers while going through life.

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The rest of my middle school years were uneventful I still had long hair and i was still fat

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ill add more to this tomorrow. this has been a lot

grave phoenix
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Well life got busy so i slacked a bit but that is okay

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Continuing on, going into my freshman year of high school I wore anime shirts and had long hair. This obviously made me a slight outcast, but it wasn't anything I couldn't handle. At least at first, then I made one of my biggest social mistakes I ever made and that was asking my friend if she would date me. At first, she just left it at maybe, then about 4 days later she actually accepted my proposal and we started dating. My memories from around this time for reasons that will become apparent, but I think we dated for 2-4 months. When we first started dating I was ecstatic because I was so head over heels for her. I was always happy around her and just wanted to give her my love and to receive it back. At first, she did reciprocate these feelings and I was so happy, but then she started to become more withdrawn and would slowly talk to me less and less. To this day, I really don't know what caused her to leave because I truly tried my best to love her with all of my heart. I will admit I was a bit pushy at times, but it wasn't anything major. The only things I can remember being pushy about was asking if I could at least cuddle with her ONCE after we had been dating for a month and half and eventually she let me put a pillow on her left leg and let me rest my head on it, but that was as far as that went. The other thing I was slightly pushy about was giving her a kiss goodbye. I do admit that I should have dropped it after she said no once, but I so desperately wanted her to know how much I loved her. The only things I said in regard to this were "can I please kith you?" because we joked by purposefully messing up words sometimes.

grave phoenix
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After this she ended up breaking things off with me and then she moved onto another man not even a full month after we had broken up. This deeply depressed me because in my mind I was blindsided by her and hadn't gotten an explanation beyond "I think we would be better off just staying friends". I ended up getting into a situation ship with another girl during the next 2-5 months and I was still hung up on the other girl during this situation ship. I was very up front with the situation ship girl saying that I did not love her and that this would be for the purpose of friends with benefits kind of thing if she was okay with it. She told me she was and yet she still ended up "loving" me and tried to peer pressure me in social situations to date her, which ended up with me cutting things off with her. As for the other girl I still couldn't get her out of my head and I would always talk with this one friend of mine who also knew her saying that I had lost the love of my life (dramatic I know, but keep in mind this was one of my only 100% REAL feelings I had for the last like 2-3 years). Little did I know at the time he was telling her the things I said and described me as "creepy" which is totally understandable, but at the same time i never said anything beyond that I still wished we were together.

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idk maybe I just don't know people, but I never thought I was a creep. I never stalked her or even tried getting close to her because I was hurting deeply. During the summer after my freshman year my mother signed me up for a methodist summer camp and at first I HATED the idea of having MORE religion forced onto, but I will admit I had an amazing time. That camp showed me that I wasn't just scum under people's feet and that I too could still be treated with kindness from those around me. I became pretty popular by the end of the camp and had just about everyone knowing my name. This made me feel amazing afterwards and I felt so happy. Happy enough that I sent my ex a text with a text saying I was sorry for being pushy when we dated and that I was just too excited that someone had said yes to dating me of all people and that if she was okay with it, I would love to become friends again. The reason for this is because before we started dating we were like best friends who could just say whatever to each other and it never really caused a problem.

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This was the point when she told me that our friend that i had been pouring my heart out into had been telling her that I was obsessed with her and that I was creepy. This deeply shocked me because I will agree I was hung up on her, but I was not outright obssesed with her. I kept her far away from me and didn't even acknowledge her when I saw her in school. Yes, I thought about her a lot, but I did literally NOTHING in regards to her. She ended the text by saying that she would just feel weird if we became friends again and that our friendship before dating was nice, but now it was "cumbersome" as she said. I responded trying not to sound to hurt and basically just said that I understand and that I respect it, but I was over her anyway. This was true in my mind and this text also fully cleared up this feeling and my brain recognized that I would never have a relationship with her again. I won't lie and say this didn't affect me. It definitely hurt to hear at least a little, but I still felt on top of the world after my camp so I was just happy to finally have a resolution as to my potential friendship with her. From here on life was pretty good

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I ended up getting a job that made me pretty happy (I worked as an intern engineer this would have been my sophomore year) and I ended up cutting my hair and actually trying to get in shape. This was probably the happiest I have been in the last 4 years. Towards the halfway point in the year though my mom started dating a new man named Chuck. He is hands down the biggest piece of shit I have ever met and I wish nothing but the worst for him. His way of winning my mom over was "parenting" me and my sisters which consisted of him screaming at us about how we didn't appreciate our mom and that we were basically ungrateful little shits who must do what they are told without even a second thought or that maybe he was wrong or that there could be any better way of doing things other than how he ran them. This grew a deep hatred for that old fuck that I STILL hold today despite the fact they are somehow still dating. Towards the end of the year I had begun to hate this old man with a passion. After he started coming over and screaming at us I became a wreck. I was anxious all the time he was around and yet my mom seemingly either couldn't notice how visibly destressed I was or she just like him more than us (she liked him more btw). The thing that put the final nail in the coffin for me was when my mom told me we were moving in with him by the end of summer.

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This is easily another one of my moms biggest mistakes and I won't lie I still slightly resent her for putting us through that. Before we got close to moving tho I ended up getting my now girlfriend whom I started dating in april of my sophomore year and she was always my rock. She still is thankfully. If it weren't for her I can confidently say both me and that old fuck would not be here on this earth. Anyways we ended up moving in in august of that same year. In the beginning, things were fine everyone slightly got along although I hated the old man because he had now taken to forcing us to do things that we frankly shouldn't have been doing because he had and still has his own kids that live with him and could and should have been doing the chores that we had never done. These chores consisted of me waking up at 5am EVERY SINGLE WEEKDAY and going to feed and water HIS farm animals. On top of that, me and my little sister were in charge of mowing his yard that we had to push mow for 2-3 HOURS. It didn't matter it was summer or the fact we had a break during the school year. He would still force me to wake up and go do them. I get it isn't hard work, but you have to understand that doing something that I hated so much everyday that it made my chest pound so hard it damn near hurt, that I was reaching my wits end and I didn't know what to do. On top of that, I wasn't used to all of this labor so I felt like shit all the time.

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During this time I gained a very new and dark depression. I will admit though it was entirely his fault. My friends for some reason had decided that I was the best punching bag during my junior year that I lived with him. This basically meant that I would be home, feel like shit, got to school and then feel like even bigger shit. I tried saying something to my friends, but it never mattered. I was always the center of attention whenever I was around and it fucking hurt. It destroyed my self esteem and it made me feel like they weren't even my real friends. I am still friends with them to this day, but I do still hold a small amount resentment for the treatment I was given during this time. Especially considering that all I needed at this point was a helping had to make sure my mind didn't shatter into a million pieces and yet they still weren't there.

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Thankfully as time went on they eased off of me, but that was just because they stopped doing it to everyone flat realizing they were just being rude I think. I will admit though as I write this that I was stressed all of the time when I was in that house and my brain has little to no memory of the time I was in school during this time. As time went on, my mom and the old man begun fighting because my mom was being mistreated so she now decided to do something. At first they would just try to discuss these matters, but they slowly just delved into yelling matches, which I wanted to be NO part of. Thankfully in September of the next year (2024) my mom realized that we had to get the hell out of that house for the betterment of all of us. I will say that despite moving sucking I was much happier to be out of that house and to actually feel like I had some sense of privacy.

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ill write more when feel up to it

grave phoenix
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got sick today while moving house or I would have wrote today so i suppose ill do it tomorrow

grave phoenix
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my girlfriend who I have been with since april 30th, 2023 broke up with me today after being togther for 2 years, 4 months, and 4 days (857 days for memory sake) and I feel like fucking trash. She says its because our interests are too different and that she doesn't want me to change who i am for her even though thats the point of a relationship. To work together through hardships and to help each other become better people. She said that the end of the relationship felt like an unavoidable fact and that waiting would have just hurt me more. I wish she would have told me sooner so we could have tried to work through it because I WANT to change into her ideal man because im not happy with who i am now

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thats all i got in me today man

grave phoenix
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oh so much has happened

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we spoke more about 2 weeks ago now and she told me she didn't love me when we broke up and that was she was already talking to someone else. most of my sadness has been turned into anger because i realized that she outright betrayed my being and treated me like dirt. she lied to me about why we broke up. I also realized that all she had to do was talk to me. We worked on our issues a year into the relationship idk why she stopped after 2. She gave up on us and the proclamation of love we made when she accepted my invitation of companionship and yet here I sit after being dragged around for 2 years by someone who didn't even end up loving me. I don't want to be cringe and throw myself a pity party but are we fucking serious? why did she date me if she didn't actually want to put her heart and soul into the relationship? am I the crazy one for truly caring about the other more than myself? why did she give up after so long? she said my depression was a lot to be around (not her terminology but its meaning is exactly the same), that i do too many drugs (i know its not on her but i was hoping for so long she would say something so i would stop), and that my negative outlook on life was exhausting. She also said she was losing herself and she felt like she was just "my girlfriend". This could not be farther from the truth. I was such a loser in high school and she was the popular talented band kid. She has gone to so many competitions and the like and i was always so proud of her. However, i will admit i didnt enjoy hearing about it and she hated me for it and wouldn't say anything for no reason other than "i was scared what you would say". when did she become afraid of me? i personally think claiming to be the victim and parading it around is dumb and cringe but i have been through so much in life so why couldn't she just understand that i needed a shoulder to cry on.

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the reason i couldn't discuss her music and instruments in general is because whenever i think about them it reminds me of when i was in 5th grade and learning how to play. I know its so fucking stupid but when i was in 5th grade and living with my non blood related family i was under abuse constantly. The screaming, the lonlyness, the stress, and the emotions all come flooding back into my brain when i think about it and my chest gets so tight it hurts. I never got to tell her that because she broke up with me before i could realize that this event from so long ago is still affecting me to this day. again i know how dumb it is but fuck feeling so helpless and scared feels fucking terrible and i dont like thinking about how i was feeling then. it also doesn't help that my non blood related cousins were touching each other behind closed doors which i didnt know then but found out soon after we moved out. thats enough for now

grave phoenix
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just sent her this

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hi. sorry about the out of nowhere paragraph but i have been doing what i always do and have been thinking and have some things i want to say. i dont really expect you to look at and respond to this because i dont really expect you to care all that much so i am doing this for me. im sorry you had the misfortune of dating me. i am sorry for going out of my way all of those years ago and asking you out. it hurts me deeply to have to partially regret our relationship that we put so much love and time into but i have more of an understanding than i used to so i understand thats just how life is. im sorry for not sharing your love of music. whenever i think about it or talk about it it brings me back to when i lived with the mckays and the horrendous things i had to endure there. im aware its very stupid and shouldn't matter as much as it does but that time of my life was very real although i didn't share the details entirely with you which i apologize for because had i i believe we would have understood each other more. im sorry for not trying things out with you i was always so scared to make a fool of myself. a lot more has happened in both regards and others than i let on and im sorry for not being able to share with you the true essence of me as a person. im sorry for caring so much yet not being able to see how i was destroying myself and you as a result. that was extremely unfair on both sides. I should have gotten over myself just as much as you should have told me to lock in and that i was hurting you too. i wish now that i had seen it but what was happened is already done and cannot be truly fixed. im sorry about the drugs and how i abuse them. i do not wish to if you can even believe that and i would have put them down in heartbeat had i known they were taking you from me. i hate how much it feels like i need them to be able to match the energy of those around me and to actually feel wanted but thats how life is. before you ask yes i still struggle with them.

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im sorry about all the time and effort you put into me. im sorry for all of the times we should have been more honest to each other but weren't. im sorry about all the times we got freaky even though i didn't always to, i was and honestly am addicted to the rush my brain gets. I hoped we were reaching that point or had already made it so we could totally trust each other with one another feelings but i see now that that was farthest from the truth and i was a fool for think otherwise. some other things i want to get off my chest that i didnt while we were dating: thank you for being my rock when nobody else cared. you probably dont know this but i was close to the point of suicide more than once and have stared at the knife against my chest before while we were dating and im only still here because of you. i truly cared about nothing else but you. i cared more for you than even about my entire existence. i would have given up our entire universe if it meant we could be happy together and i meant that with all of my being. It upsets me greatly with how you ended things. lying to me about why, not even loving me when we broke up, and not communicating to me at all how you were feeling and what i was doing to make you feel that way and then just up one day breaking up with me before telling me a month later the truth of things and also for giving up on me. I dont outright hate you for it but there are lingering feelings of resentment but i still care at least as a friend now which i hope you can understand. also im sorry for lying about this but yes my mom isnt happy with you. i just didn't want you to feel bad about us breaking up. i still want this avenue of communication btw this is just my own one off therapy thing i needed to get done so i can get past my feelings instead of dwelling on them.

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dont worry btw i am moving on. i have gotten rid of the things you made for me that i had in my wallet and in my desk like the deck of cards and handmade cards. not like i threw them away i put them in a box in the farthest corner of my room because thats still my past and at some point in the future i wanna be able to look back at my entire life even the hardest parts like these. also i would enjoy if youd answer this at least. what did you do with the stuffed animals i got you? are they still on your bed or are they banished cause im torn on whats appropriate for me to do with mine .anyways i can honestly say i have no idea how you will react to this because i dont think i know you anymore and you dont know me anymore and i know you dont think about me although i wish you would as a friend so sorry about this and please be respectful and dont show this to others and laugh. that is argueably my worst nightmare and the mere thought makes me want to cut myself. idk if i have anything more to say if i do i will say it if not then ill stay away from you as wished anyway yeah thats how im feeling cool beans i know

grave phoenix
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Forgot to mention this but she unadded me on Snapchat and instagram and said she was only keeping my number . She said it wasn’t because I sent that text but multiple things which I doubt but I’ll get through this I think

grave phoenix
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I’m going insane

grave phoenix
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a lot has happened and i want to be nonexistant

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one of my friends from middle school to early high school unalived himself last month, ive found out im allergic to heat change, and i might have gasteoprosis.

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i wasnt invited to the funeral.

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my friends went and yet i didnt get an invite

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i feel like such a parasite in everyones lives around me and i wish that none of them had met me because they would all be so much better off maryanna especially

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i wish everyone around me would just forget about me and leave to rot where i feel i belong

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oh yeah and im realizing my friends very likely don't like me so it feels like im so alone i could perish

grave phoenix
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oh yeah my friend told me maryanna cried in school after breaking up with me and my mom just now told me that she was wearing all black and had her head down all the time or something im just so confused i dont want this hopefulness i feel

grave phoenix
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i messaged her today to see if she was ok and it turned into me talking to her about how the relationship ended and how we both could have handled it differently. i told her she was a peepeehead lmao

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she then said we cant have each others numbers which i get although i wont be removing hers because im going to keep looking at those texts because they make me feel better. I finally got the closure i wanted from her after 3 months also yeah she has a boyfriend which sucks but at the same time THE WAR IS OVERRRRRRRR FOR THE WEAK AND THE STRONNGGGG

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forgot to ask why she wouldnt talk about jelly or jason with me but its fine

grave phoenix
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Thinking about all I’ve lost is hard. It weighs on me heavily and I don’t know why. Shouldn’t I be able to take these punches and keep moving forward

grave phoenix
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i feel nervous for some reason

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idk why

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my palms are sweaty and my stomach feels weird

grave phoenix
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Rough morning. Left my nighttime meds at coles and I can’t stop crying (not because of meds not being here) and I don’t know why

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Why does it hurt so much? It is because she cared so little for which I cared so god damn much

grave phoenix
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feeling better. got a hair cut and im happy with it

grave phoenix
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I hung out with Lydia yesterday and that was pretty fun but now I can’t stop thinking about how unhappy I am and how badly I want to die

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Currently crying at work

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I just want to feel normal and not have to feel so bad all of the time

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God dammit I shouldn’t feel this bad yet I can’t stop caring

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My life is worth nothing and it should have been me and not Timmy

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I’m so pathetic

grave phoenix
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God damn I’m so pathetic

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I can’t stop crying and I hate myself so much. Why can’t I move on? Why does it still hurt so much? Why do I want to die so bad?

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I just want the pain to go away

grave phoenix
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I feel so fucking worthless I wish I could trade my life for another

grave phoenix
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yeah i never said this but i totally drove to the store with the intention of buying pills and ending it 🙂 wont be mentioning that to anyone

grave phoenix
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on thursday

grave phoenix
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I am so upset with myself for being alive. My life isn’t benefitting anyone not even me. I am so tired of being so damn tired and miserable all of the time. I want to keep going but I don’t want to have to struggle so much all the time

grave phoenix
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I’m so tired of being a burden to all of the people around me

versed fractal
# grave phoenix the reason i couldn't discuss her music and instruments in general is because wh...

omfg this whole message was an emotional rollercoaster but that’s actually so insane that she admitted that like wtf 😭😭
i’m glad that u also were able to reflect on some of the reasons why certain conflicts arose in your guys relationship due to unresolved past traumas. ig if anything good came out of that relationship is that u were able to walk out of that relationship with a deeper understanding of your actions ig?? like how u were saying about how you didn’t realize your distain for music, stemmed from a much deeper issue from your childhood you didn’t understand until it was near the end of your two’s relationship.
that’s crazy that she wasted both of yalls time in a relationship if she didn’t actually even have feeling for u like what hello

versed fractal
grave phoenix
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I’m gonna wait to respond till I got off work and am finished with my appointment so don’t feel rushed or anything

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Should be in about 5-6 hours

versed fractal
versed fractal
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cya later nooo

grave phoenix
grave phoenix
grave phoenix
grave phoenix
grave phoenix
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Good Christmas Day idk why I feel bad rn

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I do know why. I miss her. I miss being held and I miss talking to her. I miss feeling normal. I wish I didn’t feel so fucking helpless

grave phoenix
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Today has been a bit better. I got a new phone and Im not feeling as bad. I think it’s just because it was the holiday and I was very much so looking forward to spending it with her

grave phoenix
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i wish i didnt have such an issue with eating. i just cant stop myself from giving in to the feeling of NEEDING to eat because of stress

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ive been thinking about her a little again admittedly. it hurts she couldn't treat me as though she actually gave a damn about me. i now realize or have realized that she did not love me in the slightest when we broke up and she very likely just outright dislikes me because she couldn't handle my issues. i know it wasn't her job or anything but i had hoped as a companion and partner she would at least have tried to help and open my eyes to the real issues i was having. i think she didn't do it while we were together because she didn't want to have to deal with me and the consequences of trying to work through all i have been through, which in hindsight, definitely means she didn't actually love me at all and was more than likely just flattered by what i could do and how i could talk. terrible thought but i have a hunch its true (gut feeling but life has proven im not normally wrong unfortunately). i hate that she had to use me to the extent she did before she realized. honestly had i not gotten back into my depression severely she likely would have not realized she didn't love me and i would still be happy and together with her. For that i hate myself, specifcially, because i couldn't register the problems i was causing and that had i just ignored how i was feeling and just acted okay she would likely still be with me

grave phoenix
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just opened instagram and she was at the kopps house. that hurts knowing that despite knowing what she did they still hang out with her. i get its not their place to retaliate in any way but it still hurts knowing they consider her a friend on the same level as me if not more important especially considering how at least lydia knows how much i have suffered. makes me feel more worthless than i already do although i didn't think that was possible. i wish someone would walk up to me and blankly stare me in the eyes before shooting me in the chest and walking away. at this point it seems like a fitting way to go. no one making a fuss, maybe a nice slow snowfall or maybe a nice warm sunset. everyone would forget me in due time and in my real legit opinion would be much better off since they wouldnt have to worry about some sick in the head 18 year old who should've worked through his shit sooner. i wish everyone including her could know how bad i feel about everything. i wish they could feel the real pressure i feel as though ive been under for the last 6 years of my life maybe then others would be more willing to lend a hand. had she known how it felt i believe she would have lent me her hand or shoulder to cry on. saddens me to know i could have been so much better than how ive ended up had i just had a normal family or even one that would listen to the opinion realizes that it can hold just as much weight as an adults when they realize the full situation.

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oh yeah i forgot to mention this but she obviously got into the musical and obviously got the lead role and my little sister is in it so i will be forced to go watch it. i do not even a little bit want to and i hope my little sister won't force me to go because for some reasoning just seeing her sends me into such a frenzy its terrible (i just mean i have a breakdown of sorts)

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i am so fucking pathetic i wish i could just be normal

grave phoenix
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I’ve been thinking a decent amount about death and I’ve kind of realized that no one would really care if I died. Sure they might be sad for a little but beyond that they would get over it. I don’t hold a key part in any peoples lives including my “friends” idk what to call them anymore because I also realized that i need to separate myself from them if I want to be the kind of person I desire to be

grave phoenix
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I’m so tired of not being happy. She posted a dump of photos and I saw her boyfriend now. It doesn’t outright hurt idk it’s so weird it feels like my heart is beginning the process of exploding. Why do I not seem to have the strength to forget about her? It’s not like she gives a single fuck about me anymore so why do I?

grave phoenix
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Not going to work today. Felt really hot and couldn’t stop shaking. Also forgot to put this down but I hope she at least feels bad for what she did. At least some remorse you know? Just to know she doesn’t just think I’m disgusting like I think she does. Also I wish I didn’t love her so much I didn’t fight her breaking up with me instead of just accepting it. I should have asked more and been more honest. In the end it only saved her feelings and destroyed mine

grave phoenix
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I know it’s new years but damn I just want to be left alone to die. I feel like I’m going insane. I keep remembering things that I don’t want to and it hurts. It hurts to know that I do not wish to be alive. I wish someone would take me away from this damn place

grave phoenix
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lots has happened got a therapist. still want to die and i still cant find a will to live for myself

grave phoenix
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lots has happened and im worse off now than ever before

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i got scammed out of a total 4k i still want to unalive myself argueably more now than ever and i dont see a way out

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im in debt i cant rely on those around me i cant even rely on my own brain anymore. I wish she didnt leave because i could be doing so much better. I hate the idea of being a burden so much i want to end it. I wish i could just disappear from those around me and start over. I dont like my family friends or environment. I am a burden to all of those around me and wish i never was to begin with. I know my brain is messed up (adhd, depression, anxiety, bpd, chronic stress, ptsd) meaning i shouldnt trust it but im so tired ive been fighting so long and i just need a break. I also put in my 2 weeks and have no job at this point despite being 2.6k in debt (yay me and my ability to be a NORMAL FUCKING PERSON)

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i wish i could just exist and not be at such inner turmoil all othe time and i wish anyone could help me feel normal but at this point i think the people around me are just too fucking stupid to

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if i dont update this again i ended it and im sorry but i have fought too hard up until now with little to no return and i cant take living anymore. i just wanna sleep for a few years until my brain is okay again 😭

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all ive ever wanted was to just be happy and content but i dont think thats in the cards for me anymore

grave phoenix
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emotional dysregulation to me just feels like a blanket term to describe a part of a larger diagnosis.
high affective empaythy (know what to say) but low cognitive empathy (Perspective-taking: the tendency to spontaneously adopt others' psychological perspectives.[26][35]
Fantasy: the tendency to identify with fictional characters.[26]
Tactical (or strategic) empathy: the deliberate use of perspective-taking to achieve certain desired ends.[36]
Emotion regulation: a damper on the emotional contagion process that allows you to empathize without being overwhelmed by the emotion you are empathizing with.)
Emotional dysregulation extends beyond emotions, affecting cognition, relationships, and behavior.
CloudCheems [BBL], — Yesterday at 11:31 AM
These include resistance to accepting emotional responses, low flexibility to changing strategies, difficulty in identifying emotions, as well as a deficit in goal-directed behavior, and in using healthy coping strategies.[39]: 108 [40]: 226  Maladaptive strategies commonly used to regulate their emotions include self-harm, rumination, avoidance, and thought suppression.[38]: 905 [41]: 21 [40]: 225
Dialectical behavior therapy

for treatment
Chronic stress

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some notes from therapy i wanted to put here

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anyways today is the day of harper/my exs play and i saw her on instagram and i almost immediately started crying

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i already told harper a while ago i wasnt going yet i still feel so bad for not going but the idea of going is sending me into a breakdown because i know i couldnt contain my emotions if i saw her and id just cry and the musical would be hours and shes the main character

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oh yeah and rust dude ghosted me and gerald so thats over too

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cleaned my room a bit im proud of myself but can hardly actually feel it because of everything else 😭 😭

grave phoenix
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ive fully realized today that im an addict

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i dont think i could stop smoking on my own even if i tried

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ive had fluid filling lungs for over a year now and ive just been ignnoring it

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ive pushed away so many people

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ive ruined so many and i feel terrible

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i dont wanna feel bad but i know i cant continue to smoke

grave phoenix
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Finally had a screaming match with my mom about chuck and how being around him terrifies me because it feels like he’s gonna kill me and how I hate how she lets people walk over her and use her and she said it’s my fault that I let it happen are we serious?

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she completely invalidated my feelings and at one point went "do you need to be hospitalized again?" and got mad when i got upset and defensive like yes i totally want to go back to one of the most isolating points in my life

grave phoenix
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i get that im partially responsible for how i turned out but at the same time should my mom not actually tried to make me feel safe in my own house?

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thinking about it now my mom kind of gave up on me at least my mental health after i got hospitalized and started doing bad again

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i mean i probably did refuse treatment knowing me but is it not a parents duty to make sure their kid is okay regardless of how they feel on the matter? should you not keep trying to see if they are truly okay and getting the help they very much need? i still get though i am still at fault too but it felt impossible to reach out for help. where else would i go? who else would i ask? its not like ive ever really known anything else

grave phoenix
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ive calmed down a lot did the stuff for my license i looked at colleges and think i might have found one i might wanna go to but im terribly unsure

grave phoenix
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slept through my alarm to wake up for therapy forgot what the lady said would happen if i missed this one and i just wanna explode

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i hope the psychiatrist can help me tomorrow if not i think i might need to go to the hospital again because im hardly living anymore. im scared to leave my room i know its irrational but i am. im terrified to leave my house. my lisence still hasnt come in yet but when it does i wanna try to get a job at a flower shop oh and i saw maryannas new posts today and looking at them made me hate myself so much i wanted to beat my arms and hands off a cement wall until they were nothing but mush

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probably gonna mention to the psychiatrist the images my head conjures up when im overwhelmed and my seemingly decent amount of lack of control over it\

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i miss the days when i felt loved and needed

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existing is so awful and i no longer want any part in it

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i think id be happier as a ghost observing the world destroy itself

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no one to bother me and i could keep talking to myself in my head i get more enjoyment out of that than talking with my "friends" these days anyway

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i can actually make myself feel happy and have it last unlike when im with my friends and all of their negativity

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also realized i think im just scared of people all together now cause i feel like im holding my breath no matter who i am around and its awful

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oh yeah my hair loss has gotten much worse too so thats super fun def dont want to be unalive because of it

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oh yeah and i saw sam one day at walmart i cant remember when it was pretty nice though i dont feel as though i will be seeing her again but who knows

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had a dream this morning about maryanna too as if we had never broken up and i can still remember how happy i felt in the dream it felt so god damn real waking up felt like i woke up dead

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im not ready to get my memory back as i think it might send me over the edge remembering just how much i loved her and just how far ive fallen

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i genuinely think it will end up killing me

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i hate being such a burden i feel undeserving of the care i need and the people around me only reinforce that idea

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i wish i could run away and actually be able to live but that doesnt seem viable or even a good idea id probably get so stressed id end it

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i already dislike the idea of working to such a degree it physically hurts me to do things i dont like and i wish it didnt i dont want it to i want to put in my fair share and not be a corpse chained in a room

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oh yeah and yesterday was 4/20 and i didnt notice till halfway through the day so that attests to how out of it ive been

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i dont want to leave my dream state i find myself living in

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i dont even want to leave my actual dreams anymore i hate the reality i live in so much and it frustrates me so greatly i cant help but want to mutilate my body as my mind constantly imagines

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i regret so much i wish i could choose to not be born the lives of those around me would be so much better

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i think i would had done more for society had that been the case

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hello person thanks for the hug

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you dont have to but i dont have problems with people talking in here

gray rampart
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i just saw your journal and it caught my eye, i cant read all of it because its a lot of text but i hope you're doing well!

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i wish the best for you in lifehugheart

grave phoenix
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oh yeah i get that and thats fair i get it it is a ton of info and a yeah not really but i appreciate it

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lifes been very shitty the last year and a half

gray rampart
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oof...

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how so?

grave phoenix
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oh good lord you have no idea

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im ngl i think it would be faster if you read not from the start obviously but you can see the point of most recent stuff cause completely shifted

grave phoenix
gray rampart
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oki!!! gimme a bit

grave phoenix
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yeah no take your time its a lot

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dont feel bad if you dont know what to say ive learned its so much most people cant lol

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its just kind of a wtf moment

gray rampart
# grave phoenix we spoke more about 2 weeks ago now and she told me she didn't love me when we b...

she shouldnt've even dated you in the first place if she was gonna be like that, it wouldve been a better impact than what happened.
even the excuse was stupid enough to not even believe in it... what do you mean you broke up with someone after 2 years of being with them? there's people who have complete opposite personalities and still love each other deeply, im so sorry that happened to you.
i know its hard to handle depression and even knowing someone who has depression, but all she could do is support you instead of throwing you away like trash. I, myself have a depressed partner and i treat them the way im supposed to; with kindness, support, respect(etc...), and not say its "too much for me to handle" and break up immediately. i know depression is a bit much but just imagine how the other person feels.
im so sorry that happened to you and that you are recovering from that :(

gray rampart
grave phoenix
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yeah i get that lol i try to do the same

grave phoenix
# gray rampart she shouldnt've even dated you in the first place if she was gonna be like that,...

and yeah right ive realized over the course of us being broken up with that emotionally we were realistically like a full decade apart (ptsd among some other shit in my life made me start adulting A LOT sooner than most) and RIGHT???? like wdym you cant support me like i get it i wasnt the happiest person in then world when we got together but i was the least depressed i had been since i was 11 and we got together when i was 16 and its not like i wasnt working on it like yeah no i didnt have a therapist for a while but thats because i was forced into as a kid when i didnt want it so my brain started hating the entire idea as a result and i told her too i tried talking to her and she just wouldnt and when i asked her why she didnt tell me it was bothering her she said it would "invalidate my feelings" as if her breaking up with me wasnt the ultimate way to do that because she told me constantly while we were together that she loved me more and she cared about me and all this stuff and just threw it away and she moved on a month and a half later with a guy who looks like me and is honestly who i wished i had become is insane and yeah thank you for being a good partner to your partner the emotionally intelligent ones are far and few between for some reason these days

grave phoenix
gray rampart
gray rampart
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if she dated you she literally AGREED to love you no matter what, to be there for you and 'wanted' to be with you for potentially forever, it just doesnt make sense

grave phoenix
gray rampart
grave phoenix
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yeah actually though and she knew they all hated me too

grave phoenix
gray rampart
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thats just stupid, you're playing and breaking someone's heart and you dont even love them.. why even agree to date them?

grave phoenix
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i think she was just flattered and mistook the emotions but even then man its like how do you still not talk to your partner

gray rampart
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EXACTLY

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i gtg sleep, its getting pretty late for me...
i hope you're recovering from that and that you feel happy someday, may uhh whatever god out there blesseth thou

grave phoenix
grave phoenix
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was actually a pretty decent day once i got to my appointment. i was anxious as hell with anticipation but he was pretty chill. Felt very validating to meet an adult who was seemingly so well put together think so similarly to me and he reinforced so many things i thought i knew but only doubted because of those around me and he says i have possible bi polar (CALLED IT OMG) but considering how well ive kept it under wraps until know im optimistic i can become a way better version of myself simply by just knowing that and it shouldnt ever really debilitate me to the point most people imagine in their head when they hear that

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oh and he changed my meds around cause turns out they could do more harm to someone with possible bi polar

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i see him again in 3 weeks and i think im gonna do my therapy through them instead because he said they have a therapist there he thinks i could pair well with and i think i can trust his judgement pretty well he seems very well informed and not afraid to explore avenues most wouldnt want to do so thats also so refreshing

grave phoenix
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Got off my game early tonight and I’ve been in bed for 4 hours and I can’t sleep omg

grave phoenix
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yeah never went to sleep played games till 8 in the morning after getting on around 3-4 and then i went and napped on my couch while waiting for some groceries to arrive. kind of a nothing day trying to regulate my nervous system which hasnt gone amazing maryannas birthday is in 2 days and i feel awful like i should be there it feels like i was invited but chose not to go and it kind of kills me a little inside everytime i think about it. i really wish i could just wipe my memories of her and just things in general id be a much happier person for sure

grave phoenix
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Um I just woke up after sleeping 14 or so hours and I had the most violent dream I’ve ever had…. It disturbed me

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In the dream I swapped between the povs of 2-3 different people at first I wasn’t myself I was on the pov of a camera from a guy in a car looking at house looked to be about 7pm sunset actually time around 7:30pm) The camera was in the backseat it looked like he was trying to hide it in the back seat behind the center console. A girl approaxhed the car and it seemed like the driver and girl somewhat knew each other but not nicely and the driver said “you ready to leave” or something like that an she said she wasn’t so sure about it and at this point the camera pov went to in the mad hands and then he pulled a gun put and shot the two dudes standing behind her a few times each they were either her friends or brother idk idk even know when they get their and then she got in a they drove off. The pov then swapped to someone random maybe me body felt weird though was in a random house and I think I panicked out of anger? and killed someone was in a house or drove away for a while and then killed again Swapped pov the dream ends with me getting stressed while hearing what had happened in the dream in a news cast type sequence and then i woke up

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Can’t remember the last parts any more chuck is here and my head feels like a mess

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Slept 14-17 hours not sure how long

grave phoenix
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maryannas birthday today so i saw her birthday posts this morning when i woke up. put me in a mood but i got over it a little bit trying to not think too much and its not going amazing (wrote this but never hit enter ig? idk was loaded when i opened my discord supposed to be on the 25th)

grave phoenix
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Feeling especially shitty today saw her post a photo saying she’s so grateful for him. Odd she posted it to her instagram story which I don’t recall her ever doing while we were together unfortunately very much considering ending it. I’m unhappy with my life, my family, my friends, my living situation, where my life is headed. I don’t want to be forced to work a job the rest of my life I don’t want to feel suffocated by being around others and I don’t want to lose my hair. On top of that I need to pay my insurance tomorrow and I have no money and i don’t want to leave the house because admittedly I’m fucking terrified

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Not a good morning I also forgot to mentioned I have yet to sleep

grave phoenix
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Slept all day like usual. Another day wasted. Still in anguish over my family and how I literally can’t be around them and be comfortable. Tried talking to a friend Lydia who I haven’t spoken to in a little and she didn’t seem very interested I think she’s tired of hearing about my shit

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I just wanna be able to exist without hating myself, the world, and everything wrong with me. also wish i liked my friends more

grave phoenix
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Yesterday was prom and today’s Mother’s Day. I feel terrible I didn’t really have anything planned for Mother’s Day and I did see MaryAnnas posts for prom. Not doing good mentally trying to wane off the weed but idk how well this is gonna go. Not much to say really hurting because I yearn and it hurts my heart I wish I didn’t

grave phoenix
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need to vent a little bit. over the course of today i cleaned my room and looked into a philospher whom I have found that adopted his ideas naturally as in I came to then same conclusions such a great person did all on my own. pretty happy saying that honestly knowing im not actually crazy just not too of my time feels more reasurring than anything ive felt today. i didnt sleep all night and then most of the day until 3pm or so when i tried to take a nap before being woken up by my mom and my older sister getting into a yelling match all i know is my older sister got overwelhmed and my mom just kept pushing and literally chased her to her room like wow its such great parenting to make sure your kid doesnt feel as though they have their own safe place in your house. and to make it ALL the more better my mom said my older sister cant run away when shes trying to talk when shes trying to emotionally regulate herself before she puts a hole in you but no let me chase and yell but anyways yeah after that she went downstairs and just left. She has a 14 year old at home who hasnt had a normal childhood like at all and instead of apologizing for yelling and traumatizing literally the entire house she just left. Mom of the Year if i say so. all i did during it was yell to stop because my nervous system was trying to tear itself from my body and then i showered and cried my eyes out. i just want a normal family who actually considers each other oh and she decided she wasnt ordering dinner during the yelling match

grave phoenix
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things have calmed down texted her she seems good now just needed to get away for a bit but i feel dead. something inside me died or at least it feels that way. think i might end up in a ward in the next week im at the point i just want to lay down and die so i can finally rest and be at peace. i just want relief from all of this pain