OK so, I'm a very jealous lover.... And my jealousy and feelings of insecurity make me act out in childish and mean ways. I feel ugly and twisted inside whenever I get like this and I want to stop feeling this way but I'm not sure how.
#My marriage problems
devout kite
devout kite
Context: I found out my husband was texting an old coworker that I CLEARLY told him to not be in contact with. He broke a boundary and that set off my trust issues
He apologized and showed that it wasn't what I thought it was, but the boundary was still broken and so is my trust in him right now
I love him very much, but I still can't help but wake up angry at him
And I woke up angry at him today...
I didn't mean to make him cry before work though...
And I apologized multiple times, but I feel like I should just back off for now
My anger manifests itself in a very childish way, the silent treatment, avoidance of the person, overall just acting like a total cunt
My marriage problems
I miss us when we were happy with eachother
Before my trust in him fell apart
Before I fucked up, so many times...
I love him and I would never cheat on him, but I hurt him, mentally, by being so caught up in my own thoughts and emotions
chilly wedge
OK so, I'm a very jealous lover.... And my jealousy and feelings of insecurity ...
i thought i might offer my two cents on this. I broke up with my last partner because of something similar but as a guy. I used to not believe in platonic relationships between men and women because "i know how men think". In all honestly however, i talked to someone i looked up to a lot for a perspective shift.
As a parent, how would you feel if the partner of your child tried to limit who they could and could not talk to?
it was, at the time a very sobering thought. I think a lot of people, you included would probably be upset if not outraged. The world is 50/50 we cant expect our partners to avoid half the planet in order to satiate our insecurities.
and also it seems, to me that you feel a lack of shared joyful moments in your marriage. Something that should be communicated, more often than not these feelings stem from feeling distanced from your partner.
devout kite
He can have friends... It's just one woman who previously stated she had feelings for my husband
While I was with him
chilly wedge
i think whats important in that context is if you trust your partner to communicate their stance clearly or not and then deny said persons advances. Ultimately we cannot control our partners, if they wish to cheat they will cheat.
devout kite
I can't take the pain of being cheated on again...
chilly wedge
i gave my partner the formulation "i dont think its worth persuing a friendship with a person who has feelings for you since ultimately they want something you either wont give or will break our relationship to provide" In the end its their choice.
but generally speaking, communicate. Ask why they want to maintain contact, if they feel the relationship you have is still good or not. Make your feelings clear and ideally not in an acusatory way (a mistake i made too often).
devout kite
How should I make this non accusatory?
chilly wedge
maybe im missing context but try to establish intention.
Why was it they remained in contact against your wishes is a start
you could also start with what youve written here.
"I miss us when we were happy with eachother
Before my trust in him fell apart
Before I fucked up, so many times..."
devout kite
maybe im missing context but try to establish intention.
Why was it they remaine...
He said he called her when he was black out drunk and doesn't remember what was said
I want to believe him but doesn't that sound a little too convenient?
Overall his story is a little splotchy
chilly wedge
maybe you could reach out to her?
chilly wedge
i think youre viewing it through an already sceptical lens which makes you think this way. However if you genuinely feel you cant trust your partners loyalty and cant establish wether he intends to or has already cheated. I think those are grounds for taking a break atleast.
that being said, i am missing a lot of context.
devout kite
Tbf he left another woman for me in the first place and I'm just scared he's gonna do the same with me
chilly wedge
devout kite
Idk, his previous relationship was abusive (I've seen it) and I had a "I can save him" mentality
chilly wedge
ay caramba
alright i wont be harsh but a relationship founded on the idea "i can save him/her" are fundamentally unstable. People dont necesarily want to change and no amount of love can force someone to change.
devout kite
He's been sober for 2 years because of me
chilly wedge
thats amazing! it does however not make someone a morally or ethicly good person.
devout kite
You're not wrong....
chilly wedge
i think you need to do some introspection. Think about where you need to grow.
before we can fix anyone or anything we need to fix ourselves. This applies to both parties.
devout kite
You're right, I'm going into work rn but I'll think about what you said and I'll come back to this
chilly wedge
You're right, I'm going into work rn but I'll think about what you said and I'll...
best of luck!