this shall be funnnn
#Sunny's Journal
barren wharf
i felt better today
for a couple days my mood has been really down, since my friend was so stressed and having a bad time and it affected me
i normally have lots of rollercoaster mood swings too
but this was INTENSE
but i feel better today!
ate a little bit more
i have terrible stomach issues, so my mom got me Bitters for me, and it's really helped a lot with my digestion
like suddenly i can eat and my stomach doesn't hurt?
I had forgotten what it was like for my stomach not to hurt
tomorrow, i'm hoping to start some goals for myself
(the goal)
Try and go to sleep earlier (we'll see how this goes since i have insomnia, i could take melatonin)
wake up and get moving
As soon as i wake up, spray Bitters, eat breakfast, do a small yoga routine, do some simple work out exercises, go outside and jump rope or rollerblade, then do chores
try and be online less to form good habits
cause let's face it, i'm chronically online
i get addicted to stuff quickly
and because i'm so lonely and rarely get out of my house, i just rot on discord, pinterest, and tiktok half the day and don't get stuff done
it'll change come September when school starts
but i need to start now
i've also been trying to get out of my house more by tagging along when my parents go grocery shopping on Mondays
this is the most i've yapped, help
i'm a very introverted person, but I think if i found people i love, and wasn't so insecure and stuff, i would talk more
cause it's (almost) so easy for me to text online
like best friends, i will talk to you as much as i want
but i'm such a awkward person 😭
some fun facts about me:
I (most likely, my family all KNOWS and is like 90% sure) have ADHD and OCD
I am obsessed with mushrooms and everything yellow
I love books and music, cannot live without them
I love making friendship bracelets
hmm, what else
Current obsession: Arcane
Current song on repeat (i normally have one song on repeat if i love it enough for days): Fantastic from Arcane (Caitvi forever)
Gonna yap about my wifey (platonic)
i literally love her so much
she brings me so much light
when i'm in my depressive mood swings, she can always brighten my mood a bit
she's the sweetest
super loyal
she may be insecure, but she's beautiful to me
if she didn't like a boy, i would totally think i might be in love love with her
but it's purely platonic on both sides
hm, what else
i hydrated today!!
even if it was a little
wait i have water with me right now
i wish i could fall asleep to brown noise, it'd be amazing
sadly i don't have a phone, just this pc i use, it's my familys 
Sometimes, i feel like a kid. It sounds weird, cause i still am a kid, but I have always been mature with a silly streak
and i had to grow up early thanks to some trauma
but everyone has some sort of childhood trauma, it's all about how we cope
I think that's enough ranting for today, might come back later, or tomorrow, or whenever
barren wharf
It's a new day
So far for my goal, I went to sleep at almost 2 am, so uh that's a bit not good, I have woken up, did Bitters and ate, now am gonna do some yoga. I can't do the rest because I have to go help with something, but later i shall
barren wharf
so, before i say this, i am not ||suicidal, nor have i ever been that depressed||
but i randomly get ideas on how i could ||die||
||being choked, or doing it myself. Thoughts of SH, cutting my wrists.||
this may seem ||suicidal||, duh
but
i don't want to die
i just get random thoughts like these every now and again
doesn't matter on my mood
and it's odd
but i'm so curious about it
and idk why lol
also, instead of ever doing SH, i like to paint wounds on myself
i find it fun, and it's a great substitution, and i'm really good at it
might think about makeup artist in the future
but back to what i was saying
it's odd, cause like it'll random hit me, visions of ||being choked, choking myself, cutting myself, etc.||
i feel like it's just a part of my intrusive thoughts
but idk
cause i'm not super depressed, just depressive mood swings
and those are always rough
but i've never wished to ||die||
i just get thoughts
and it's always fleeting
i think of it
and then it's gone
so i'm left with, "oh, i just thought of ||being choked!||" resumes book
very odd
but anyways, i have been doing a bit better
i have another headache
but thats close to normal for me, though they've been less frequent
compared to most ||depressed and suicidal|| teens, I have it pretty good in life
a wonderful family who loves me
but everyone has that small bit of trauma
and i have a bit of it
but i don't let it stop me, yk?
Things may get rough, but i forever remain an optimistic. It's just in my personality
sure, i have loads of anxiety and "what ifs?" and think of bad outcomes
but that doesn't keep my brain from always hoping, and being optimistic, which i think is a great trait to have
my ADHD and OCD often battle with that though
the intrusive thoughts
the very rollercoaster mood swings
but it doesn't take much to get me feeling happy again unless it's a bad one
i also feel like, with these things, come things within it, ifykwim
for the ADHD, they call it "selective hearing"
but what if it's a auditory processing disorder too?
as well as rejection sensitive dysphoria
or avoidant personality disorder
there's so much to unpack from my brain
and i'm not saying i have all of them cause that could be false
but just speculating and trying to learn how my brain works, and understand it
(or understand it to the best of my capabilities)
i've gotten much better at explaining stuff too, like what i'm feeling, and pinpointing, "oh, i'm feeling overstimulated, i need a break"
cause i could never do that
and i always got overwhelmed easily
and i couldn't tell anyone what was wrong
so i just had to persevere through it
or, looking back at younger me's memories
and what my mom talked with me about
what she thought was just quirks, she saw also in one of my aunts (who is also very much speculated of having ADHD, she's in her 30s)
and we very much relate to each other in so many ways it's almost weird 😭
like "you do this too?"
and i love to find more tidbits about adhd and how it affects me and my brain and how my brain works
sometimes i get stressed about "but what if i'm faking all of this!"
and i laugh at myself cause why would I 😭
anyways
i think that is enough yapping bout my thoughts for now
barren wharf
i hate how my little sister comes onto my bed, sees one of my stuffed animals, and immediately wants to touch them/hug them, and i've told her repeatedly "I don't like people touching my stuff" (it goes for basically everyone at this point, idk i just hate it, an OCD or ADHD thing or just me being idk?) so she purposefully touches them once to tick me off 💔
i love her, but like why do younger siblings feel the need to do that