this was my first relationship and i'm just so so lost.

[lilac belfry]

he was my best friend first. he said i made him feel important and i supported him. he was there everytime i had a break down, no matter how late it was. he'd always be there. he was 17 and i was 18. we go to different colleges so we had to do long distance but we went to real dates 7 times. he started smoking from the 6th month of our relationship and lied to me multiple times. he lated did pots and had alcohol, etc. after our 7th meeting, he started going out with friends after midnight and he'd not talk to me 50% of the time if i hadn't texted first. he couldn't handle the fact that i have had crushes before him and i confessed to some. he was insecure about guys texting me and me replying to them respectfully even though he had my passwords (which i gave him willingly, he also gave me his) and i had to cut them off because he was really hurt. later when i told him to remove a few girls who made me uncomfortable, he denied and called me, "unsocial" because i could cut my male friends and he won't. after a while, i had to accept and move on from this. so after the 7th meeting, things just changed, i don't know why. i never got the answer of him going to a significant distance from me where every single time he'd gaslight me. every. single. time. there was a time when i shared our fight (which i couldn't resolve) with one of his friends and he was so so furious, he made me promise to never talk to them about us ever again. and i didn't. i planned for our anniversary with a friend of his and that friend told me that he was talking to other girls and being nice and pretty close and a girl became his very close friend which i had no idea of. i was so so confused that i wanted answers. because i never made someone else close/pushed him away/cheated. he denied talking to other girls/chatting but then from another friend of his, i got to know a girl was flirting with him. so at some point, i grew so furious and everything was like crushing inside of me.

i confronted him again. he gaslit me. i confronted again. he denied and said that he needed other girls in his life too because apparently i couldn't do some stuff those girls could and these were his exact words, "Ofc i need female friends. you are free to make male friends too. other girls are important to me. i need them. there are stuff you might not be able to do for me which they can. i can benefit from that."

i never knew what he meant

because if i wanted clarity, he'd push me further away

that's how our relationship started going downwards and i had no clue what to do. if i go mad, he gets hurt and doesn't talk to me and if i try to make him feel good he said that i was overreacting and i wasn't being normal. then i remember him shouting at me through the phone in front of his friends and when i cut the call he said, "Oh, you cut my call now so never call me back" then i started calling him again 🥲

i ||cut myself|| that night and i cried like for so many hours, i forgot when i stopped until i went to sleep. i later had a lighter, ||i burnt myself|| quite a few times.

he called me worst names possible and cursed like i was some douchebag which is how he made me feel that moment

according to him, i was a manipulator, worst mentality/characteristic person for having past interests and breaking my promise and calling his friends. because according to him, he was clean all his life to find a girl like him and not like me. i destroyed his ambitions and ability to love. he also posted on his stories stuff like cheating/dating another or multiple girls and if i confronted him, we'd fight and it was very common. first, he tried to break up with me without communicating how he felt. but somehow we managed to stay together. then we broke up like 4-5 times. i was the one to break up 3 times in them but then i'd want him back. but he had this ability to somehow draw all his conversations directly at me and i became the villain in the end.

ofc there were good times and im grateful for then and i never want to forget them ever. i wished him on his birthday 4 months ago. i remember these were the exact words he told his friend, "She's a manipulator. I could never accept a girl like her, neither could you. She's a user, kept me like an option. She'll forget me like she forgot everyone else before she was with me. I thought guys were the problem in a relationship but for me it was the opposite. i destroyed everything? alright, i did. i'll find myself someone of a destroyer personality. i'll love someone else like she loved me. i'm done. tell her to stop manipulating people and stop acting."

idk if i was really/am really a characterless person for having multiple crushes in the past and confronting him for talking to girls, feeling insecure and asking for clarity over and over again

i know most of it is my fault because i made him lose feelings for me. i really wanted this to work out. i did. i even told him i'll work on my behavior as well but here we are. idk how he is or what he's doing. idk if he's in a relationship because recently i cut his friends off. i want to stop self-harming though.

his last text to me was, "I went to the wrong place, with the wrong person and at the wrong time and that's how i got destroyed. i think of you as a lesson. don't worry."

my reply was, "thank you." although he told his friend to tell me to text him and when i did i had nothing to know from him but when i asked how he was he said i didn't need to know and i officially left him. maybe, idk about the future but im stuck in "I love you but i know i cant have you and it's all my fault if only i could.... and i don't want you back anymore but i hope you regret" era. idk what this is but this is how im feeling and i want to get out of this. i want him to get out of my head and be happy with myself. i dont want to hurt me anymore.

[terse trout]

Can I dm to talk about it?

[lilac belfry]

Yes, my dms are closed so I sent you a request

[rain rampart]

girl what the fuck???

are you genuinely kidding me?? that man is so insane, i dont know how you “made him lose feelings for you” for having former crushes ?? 😭 expecting someone to have gone their whole life without developing any romantic feelings before you is frankly a weird take. your 20+ years old, expecting you to have no romantic feelings for ANYONE before them is weird. and the whole friends scenario, what?? i hate to say it but the way ur describing him sounds like hes a bit narcissistic. hes clearly very emotionally immature and not ready to commit to anyone, and the fact he says that he “needs other girls” are just proof of that. the man is clearly not ready to be a decent human being so he shifts the narrative on to you, makes you sound like the manipulator and the bad person. he sounds insecure & jealous to me. he doesn’t listen to your feelings at all and just blatantly dismisses them, the gaslighting, the lies, the substances, the name calling, is actually fucking ridiculous, from what your saying this guy genuinely needs to seek some help. please dont blame yourself, im glad youve gotten out if this situation because as i was reading this whole thing my jaw was literally on the floor.

[lilac belfry]

😭

I've somehow managed to not text him for 3 months now. This is the longest I've been away from him. I want to keep it this way. Right now, in my mind, Idk might sound abserd but He is like hella handsome, trust me. Everyone, my friends, his friends, my mom, aunt, cousin, teachers, his relatives; everyone know how handsome he is and how charming he is. I feel like if I were pretty he might've stayed or valued me at least

His friend said to him after we went final, "Glad you guys aren't together. You'll get over it. She was ugly anyway."

Like all his friend's gfs are so extrovert, like post on social media constantly and do makeup and all and i think at some point they are pretty confident and his friends treat those girls like goddess

i miss him when he was the most perfect person and when we were just the inspiring couple

i swear he wasn't like this until our 7th meeting, i never got to know why

i couldn't resist his behavior, thus i'd get rude and then he'd get rude, and you can imagine the entire scenario of afterwards. when i didnt get clarity i unintentionally manipulated him somehow

😭