Feel free to text here :) Im going to start with my anger. I hate that im even doing this. I get so emotional over everything. I feel ungrateful. I have no one to talk too. So why not talk to everyone, because when you talk to an audience your not talking to anyone but yourself. Regardless of the response. I dont know what im getting. I just want to share my story. If its worthy of that name.
#Combatting Isolation-
empty burrow
Id prefer responding to be on topic, or for people who would genuinely help. I love the funnys, and the jokes, but i cant keep hiding behind smiles and laughter.
I wanna start at the beginning. And im not a trusting person so, im gonna keep it simple.
When i was born, my biological mother abandoned me and my siblings. Obviously i dont remember much when i was little but i do know my dad took care of us. But eventually we snd my siblings got taken away from his care. We were put into foster care, snd even back into the care of our neglectful biological mother. A lot of s##t, and neglect, and stuff i still dream about happened. Until my dad got full custody. I wish i vould say thats it. Thats my trama, i wanna lean from it. But its not.
I wanna. Keep a book, to talk about my life. From day to day. From my thoughts and my dreams. The bad and okay.
I like it when things make sense so instead of jumping into why im here, I like to give the story. So basically when my dad got custody we were homeless, and then we lived with a few of his friends, then we lived in a rented house, and one thing there that was affecting, was my dad drunk a lot. And there are so many toxic ex girlfriends he has, but i dont even wanna get into those a**holes right now. Until our rented house was sold, and my dad decided we would rv, and we rved for a couple years during covid, we lived with our grandparents (we are no longer in contact with them, also a long story thats not mine to share really) until eventually we got a house.
And we've been here for 3 years. And again i dont wanna be so specific and drops names, or things about me that can cause any types of problems. So im gonna keep it simple. But when we first moved here, it was work. And i was 13, we worked all day everyday of summer in the dead heat. And i mean 90-100 degress or more heat were i live. Which im not used too, at least then. Or not even now. But we did yard work, and i dont mean picking weeds or mowing the grass. I mean using power tools chopping down trees, cutting bushes and risking ticks, and getting bit by snakes and spiders. Carrying logs and branches that were my weight or even more to a fire place while breathing in smoke.
And did i mention our house had no A/C when we first moved in.
Plus, unpacking, painting, organizing, cleaning, building furniture. And that's the fun part. Then the basement was loaded with dust, i mean breathing down there for. A second and your coughing like touve been smoking for 4 years straight. F##king horrible. And electrical and pulming. And all that type of stuff.
and my 13 year old self thought, oh this is jsut temporary at some point were gonna relax. Nope. Every day all day, even after school (i do online).
And when we arent working, we are. With the pets, chores, cooking. Mainly my other siblings did the cooking then but now i do majority of that stuff. Which will come later. He have, currently. Teo cats, teo great danes, 7 chickens, 4 ducks, two fish, 3 turtles, 1 snapping turtle, 1 tortoise, my sibling has a snake and a breaded dragon. And our house is basemnet, and two floors. Pretty now, but then it was horrible too look at.
And now the worst parts. Skipping through girlfriend drama of my dads, and the drama he has, ill get into that when i get more specific. But basically me and my siblings are getting money when we turn 18 and im mot gonna say why. But its money we deserve, and does not come form our dads pocket. Late last year, my older sibling was practically forced out of the house because they refused to give there money to my father, and he got p###ed, i mean calling the cops almost p###ed . He had a girlfriend at the time, who is still currently here. But thats whatever. And she was playing messenger when my dad decided to stay down st the garage on the property telling my oldest sibling that everything from his debts to this house was now her responsibility. Due to paperwork that he had her sign when she turned 18. Not wanting to deal with that, she left to another family member. Rightingly so.
Now a bit about my dad. Yay. My father is the reason why i scream, why i get outta control. He cusses, yells, taking something horrible and compares it to someone, my crazy mother that i mentioned used to be whst my dad compared my older sibling too. And he compared me to jer once after she left. He gets anger zt the smallest things. And he throws literally tantrums. Breaking things, getting close to your face when he yells. And when he cant win, he either does too things, try znd hurt you. Or runs away like a baby to isolate himself snd a few hours later or a day he pretends nothing happened. Snd there are so many stories and moments were stuf flike this happened or even worse. Ghat i cant even get into id be writing all night.
so think all that, everyday while doing god awful s##t . Then you have The potion of chaos.
Now its time for my teenage stress and depression too kick in! Fun times. Or its been kicked in, but now i feel like i have sn outlet. My dad says that kids are amazing until they start to have opinions.
now more about my siblings . My oldest sibling i can only contact through here. And my older sibling but not the oldest, doesnt like me. We have our good times, but when we do get into an argument it can be down right awful. I have hard times with learning and focusing and i think im dyslexic. Truly, but my dad doesnt believe in therapy, or disorders so ive never been tested for autism or dyslexia or even depression. Which in my opinion we all have depression just different forms of it.
snd my sister hates me because she thinks im stupid, and she calls me lazy. I grt called lazy by everyone im surroded by. Surfonded* surrounded.
But thats whatever. And more about me. I hate my body. Im 15-20 pounds over rhe average weight for my age. I neve rget time to exercise, evne though i really want too. And i mean if i had the privilege for it, i would starve myself every day and run 3 miles everyday untill i could see my ribcage
but apparently thats not " healthy " or whatever. Dlesnt matter havent tryed yet. Im thinking of becoming that laxitive girl form strange addictions. But don't worry i cant. So.
and im a female. Shocker. Lol. Um i dont reallg wanna say age, but whatever screw you. Im 16. Very amazing age allegedly. Um idk my height but im not f##king short. Im at least 5'2, the amount of literal giants have told me im a "shorty" but if my height is bothering you then maybe i cna head butt your- anyway. I have brown hair, hazel eyes. Horrible self esteem. Zero friends, no allowance, no phone. I never go out. Weird obsession with the umbrella academy except for season 4. I like memes. Im emotionally closed off but cry msyelf to bed everyday. I feel useless. And now lets here why!
So now ghe reaosn im here. After my sister left it was work. First our dogs mated and we had to take care of. Puppys for a full month. And if youve taken care of dogs or puppys before, then you will share my pain, but this puopys are great danes. That means 20 pounds in 8 f##king weeks. No joke. But that was the easy part, with witht he crap and smell. But after those guys we had a wedding to get too. That meant chores, looking for sitters, worring about money. Building a new chicken coop by hand. My dad kidnapping more turtles from the wilderness even though we told him thats awful and there full grown. One even a snapping turtle how fun. But regardless. We went to the wedding, rushing st ghe last second, we get there, and we were practically the help. I love it tot he desth snd would do it hundred times vorr despite the stress. (Oh did i mention my dad got into an accident when we lived in our rented house before coming here and sisnt allowed to drink alcohol but does so anyway on this wedding vacation?) The wedding was fun. But when we got back, i had the happiest day of my life. Remember when i said i have body issues, well when we got back, i threw up 8 times. Whu? No clue. Loved it though, i was the lightest ive ever been. But that was my only break the moment that day was over my dad had the bright idea to start FLOORING. Yay exciting im gonna spend the rest of my summer dling work, like i have been the past four years! Yay.
So surprising, cant you tell by my face :)
anyway. Uh yeah, flooring, heat, painting, cleaning. Plumbing, electrical, dry wall, oh and i started school a few days ago. Pretty neat right. At least when my future mate asks me why I'm so isolated snd independent I can tell him about all this. And no my dad did not make it a nice learning environment, hes the type of person to expect we know everything and when we get it wrong the first time. Then we're basically the r word.
now lets get into a few more stuff. I have zero friends as i siad, but after the wedding i thought i made too friends that have completely ghosted me and ruined any shred of self respect and hope i had, if i even had it. And i was a desperate pig texting them to a one sided relationship:) no dignity. Never. Also my other sibling is leaving soon, and mt dad doesnt do anything expect pay for stuff. So im gonna be taking care of everything all on my own. Eveyr responsibility. Everything i dont evne know jow to do. Whatber my dad comes ip with to do. Snd school.
Just thinking about it gets my stress.
and as i mentioned it get called lazy a lot, because people in my family know i have a hard time eith that word so they use it to hurt me also because i dont work ss much as my other siblings so im the lazy one by default. :) also my dad thinks me and my siblings are ungrateful. I dont ask for anything im a normal teenager who wishes had s phone but its reallt whatever. My dad calls us b***hs and ungrateful when ever we disagree or are in a bad mood.
so yeah :).
And i guess ive been dealing with all that stres, along with my dads xtress woth money or etc. were not rich but were not poor. And im so grateful for that. I love our house i love the work sometimes, but i feel like its too much. And when i get yelled at, or cussed at, or expected to know things or to do things everyday at every moment i lash out sometimes never st my dad no id probably die if i ever spoke to him like that. (Did i mention the last time i yelled st my dad like that it was the whole reason my sister left, cause it started with all of our privileges being taken away because my sisters tired to have my back xuring this argument and one thing led to another and mt dad got so mad put that anger on ym oldest sibgling which led to her leaving. Which btw the whole argument wad becasue i literally dislocated my knee the other day before rhis, and it was hurting so bad, my dad cussed and yelled at me way i was crying and told i should've told him but knowing him he woudknt have cared and said it was just ne excuse)
(whcih btw everything is an excuse ti him, form periods, to if i had my f##king leg chopped off :))
And sometimes everything ive dealt with, gets to too much, i like of my past from foster care, from now, and i cry myswlf to sleep sometimes, wishing i was perfect imagine wise, i feel like everyone hates me because im over weight, im a striahgt a student in horrors but i feel stupid. Snd i do feel ungrateful just coming here like im in a horror movie when people toher there hsve it ten times worse. Im not being hit or anything like that, but im ehre and i feel like a crybaby. And now im waiting for the responsibilitys all to fall on me. Like a pin is about to drop. And i get yelled st for forgetting the smallest thing. And my dads threats its been too much. So i guess im looking for closure. And i cant go to my siblings because they dont care. Snd if j disagree with them for the smallest things they blow up st me. I feel like i wanna end it all sometimes. Like if i wass given a painless way out id take it in a instant. Idk am i just ungrateful and over reacting?
so i guess im just wondering if im crazy. And looking for a place to vent. To give ghat too, whether is it stulid or not. I wish i had someone to tlak too. A friend. Honestly tho, one thing about me that i always thought and wished is normal, is my over obsession with male actors.
whicn is completely off topic. But can i jsut say. I AM DESPERATE, for the male attention. And theres two parts of me like "oh im fat or im ugly and no one likes me" and then there the other part saying "GIRL IN SOME STATES YOUR CONSIDERED FINE, GET YOURSELF S MAN" god. Am i non consistent.
but that doesnt matter. Im not here for a relationship with the male gender but if that so happens to happen. Then who am i to stop it. Lol
im not that bad looking ill admit. But there are moments. Where i compare muswlf and i fele horrible. Welcome to women hood i suppose.
ANYWAY. My goal is to make sure im not crazy. Maybe i am, screw you if you think so. Lol im jk. But i just eanna share, i suppose. I dont wanna feel isolated anymore. I dont wanna feeel useless.
Feel free to comment. And yeah fank cue
(which means thank you its how i say it ik weird. Its not fck u) okay👍