#Everlong

161 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

latent hearth
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i dont have any solid words

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i never did

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ill try to start at the beginning

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i wonder where that is

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my ex maybe

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her last straw was when i vented about her to a mutual friend

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april 2024

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i never understood what i did wrong

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she never told me

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just said i was pathetic

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maybe i am

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maybe thats why i begged to know what i did wrong

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i cant fight something i dont know

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i was doing ok after that

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not the best

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but surely better than this year

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i knew i shouldnt have confessed when September came around

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i think i romanticized her

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like how tom did to summer

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it was a situationship too

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i thought i learnt my lesson

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i repeated it anyway

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i cant tell why this time is different

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well i can to some extent

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ive been thinking things this year i havent thought of last year

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i wasnt as suicidal

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surprisingly

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i saw life as an opportunity

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now its a burnout

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even having fun

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is just a memory

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even when im living it

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i know it wont be real soon enough

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self harm wasnt as bad last year either

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its not bad this year but worse than last year

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it was so good at first

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well

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to me it always was good

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the relationship

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it slowly burned me though

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it felt like i was always on an edge

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thats probably why i was mean

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no matter what words i say

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nothing will work

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communication is not key i guess

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i dont think i can even form correct thoughts rn

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i dont understand them

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i know you know i read what you said earlier

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it hurt

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alot

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ive almost thrown myself out of my own life just to understand you even a little

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i cant understand you

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because a part of you doesnt want me to

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and all of you doesnt want to open up to me at all

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its been like that even when we were together

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but when you tell me anything about your issues

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any label you say

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i always research it

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research how to help

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not much works though

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i kept trying

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all the time

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to understand even a little

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i tried to

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i really did

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im sorry you couldnt see it

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all i ever wanted was to make you feel loved and comfortable

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but everytime i tried nothing worked

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and when i got hurt

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i didnt know how to deal with mysekf

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it was either I completely dismiss how i felt

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or tell you and be dismissed by you eitherway

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or vent to someone and nothing changed

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i dont know why you went through my chats to the point you hurt yourself

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but it was also my fault

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i never knew how to deal with my emotions

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and i never knew what hurt you and what didnt

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until it was too late

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and whatrver i try now wont work

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i remembered the note my mom gave me today

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i wish i didnt

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i cant breathe just thinking about it

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i hurt everyone around me

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i have no friends

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i have no one

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the only one i can think of is reina

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shes never been hurt by me

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shes shown that she cares

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was upset i didnt wakr her up when i was crying at night

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but shes far away now

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has her own issues

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she did say i can call her whenever i want to

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but

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idk

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i wish

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that one day

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everyone will be at peace without me

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i realize that

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maybe

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i am the problem

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everywhere

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and im not saying this to beat myself up

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im saying it because ive seen it

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the same situation with my ex repeated

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the same situation with my parents keeps repeating

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i hurt my cousin on accident

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my friends

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the constant repetition is a reminder that i cant change

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because i dont know what to change

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thats why i begged you to tell me what i did

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i cant know who you are

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because there is no you that you agree on

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maybe i loved someone that didn’t exist

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but its unlikely

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because i saw you beyond your issues

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i dont think your issues define who you are as a person

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maybe to you they do

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but we’re over now

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so

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i was gonna take the offer off

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maybe i shouldve

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if you knew what it was

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i know what i need to do

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but ive always been scared of it

latent hearth
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i want to get better

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i can

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im not mad

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upset

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a little frustrated though

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its not that i need you

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its not that i romanticized you

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i know i did to an extent

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i was ready to accept who you truly were

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i was never shown who that was

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i loved who was shown to me

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and was ready to accept her even if that wasnt who she really was

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maybe it was misunderstood along the way

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thats ok

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i know that you didnt see or feel any of the efforts i put in

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and maybe thats why i was never enough

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in the end

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youll never see this

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or id hope you wont

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because you were all i ever wanted and you were the only person i would’ve accepted regardless

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maybe thats a little selfless

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maybe i was just in love

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but now

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i know that im at fault

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and thats all i need to know

latent hearth
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maybe one day you'll realize just how much i was willing to go through for you

latent hearth
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i miss you

latent hearth
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sometimes i feel like you never loved me

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i wish i was something to you

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im a fucking loser

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did you even want me?

formal rampart
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Somtimes i dont understand things

latent hearth
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twin why u here

formal rampart
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Idk

latent hearth
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real asf

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anyway

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my memory is getting so bad