#Large rant

34 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

pastel jay
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sorry, but if you're not a fan of reading, this post isn't for you

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okay so it’s like i wake up and before i even open my eyes i’m already thinking about everything i didn’t get done yesterday and the things i have to do today and it’s like this weight sits on my chest before i even move and i know the second i step out of my room i’m going to see something that needs to be cleaned because there’s always something and it’s almost funny in a miserable way how predictable it is like i’ll find a dish in the sink or a pile of trash or laundry that’s been sitting there for days and no one else seems to care or even notice and i know if i leave it it’ll just sit there because somehow everyone else can walk past it without feeling that itch in their brain but i can’t so i do it and then it’s like rinse and repeat every single day and it doesn’t matter how much i do because the second i miss something my parents will find it and point it out like they were waiting for me to mess up like i could spend hours scrubbing everything and they’d still find one speck of dust and act like that’s the most important thing and it just makes me feel like nothing i do matters because it’s never enough

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and it’s not even about wanting praise it’s about not wanting to feel invisible like the effort i put in is just assumed like it doesn’t exist and it gets to me because it’s not like anyone else is stepping up to help without being asked and it’s not like the mess just appears by magic it’s people making it and people not cleaning it and somehow i’m the one who has to fix it every time and i start thinking about how unfair that feels and then i feel guilty for even thinking it because maybe it’s just my role and i should accept it but then i get angry because why should it be my role why should i be the one holding everything together while also being told it’s not good enough

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and then there’s katie and i love her so much it scares me sometimes how much i care about her but lately i’ve felt like i’m not showing it enough like i’ve been disappearing into video games too much and not giving her the attention she deserves and i keep telling myself it’s not because i care more about the games it’s because they’re the only way to shut my brain off for a while but even while i’m playing i feel guilty like i should be talking to her or making her laugh or just being present with her and i’m terrified she might think i’m losing interest which couldn’t be further from the truth but what if she doesn’t know that what if she feels ignored what if she starts thinking i’m not the same as when we first got together and that thought alone can ruin my whole mood because i don’t want her to ever doubt how much i love her but i also feel like i’m giving her this tired distracted version of myself and i hate that

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and then there are days when i’m with her or talking to her and my brain still wanders to chores or to the next thing i have to do or to something my parents said and it’s like i can’t fully switch off and it makes me feel like i’m robbing her of the time we do have together because she deserves the best of me not the leftovers after i’ve given everything else away and then i start spiraling thinking if she notices and if she does what she must think and then i start overcompensating or worrying too much about it which just makes me more anxious and then i end up retreating into games even more because it’s the only place i don’t have to think about how badly i feel like i’m failing

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and i hate how it’s like no matter what i’m doing i feel like i should be doing something else if i’m cleaning i’m thinking about katie if i’m talking to katie i’m thinking about chores if i’m gaming i’m thinking about both and there’s no escape from the guilt it’s always there in some form and i start comparing myself to other people who seem to have this endless energy to do it all they can work they can clean they can make time for their relationships they can keep up with hobbies and they seem happy and i’m here dragging myself through the day like every little thing is a marathon and i don’t understand what’s wrong with me that i can’t keep up like they can

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and sometimes i think maybe i used to be better at this maybe i used to have more motivation and now i’ve just burned myself out by constantly trying to be everything for everyone and now i’m this half-functioning mess who can’t even enjoy a break without feeling like i’m wasting time and the worst part is i can’t stop because if i stop even for a little bit everything piles up again and i’m back to square one except now with even more to do and the cycle never ends it’s just constant and i bottle it up because i don’t want to dump it all on people i care about especially katie because she doesn’t deserve to have to carry my stress too and i don’t want to be that person who’s always complaining so i just keep it to myself and try to smile and act fine and then it builds up until i feel like i’m going to break

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and i hate that i even feel guilty for feeling this way because yeah i know people have it worse and i tell myself that every time i start to spiral but it doesn’t make me feel better it just makes me feel worse for not being stronger and then i start thinking about the future and wondering if this is just going to be my life always cleaning always stressing always feeling behind always worrying that i’m failing the people i care about and i’m scared of waking up one day and realizing nothing changed and i just stayed stuck in this loop forever and i think about how exhausting that is and how it makes me want to scream but instead i just keep going like i always do because i don’t see another option

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and it all just loops back because tomorrow will be the same i’ll wake up tired i’ll see a mess i’ll clean it i’ll get told about the one thing i missed i’ll feel like i’m failing my parents i’ll feel like i’m failing katie i’ll hide in games i’ll feel guilty about that i’ll think about how i should be better and then i’ll be too tired to try and then i’ll go to bed and do it all over again like it’s on repeat and the worst part is i don’t know how to stop it and that’s what scares me the most

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note: Katie(14f) is my long distance girlfriend, she lives four hours away from me(15m)

pastel jay
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I also want to point out that according to my parents, a 15 year old(Sophomore in high school) who does countless after school activities and extracurriculars doesn't need a phone.

pastel jay
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<@&993332385670246420> please

gleaming bolt
pastel jay
pastel jay
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Not one person 😭😭😭

pastel jay
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@river crag

pastel jay
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Wait no

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Who deleted their message

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Please

pastel jay
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Almost 2 weeks ago I posted this.. nooo Sadge

pastel jay
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Still no one! 🥲

coarse cipher
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pretty sad if you ask me

weary oyster
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Ok so i actually read all of that and 1. You should talk to your parents about that. (Unless you have tiger parents like me 🥲, which if that is the case, then just dont care about their complaints like you dont even hear them because that will help them shut up eventually) , and 2. About your gf have you asked her abt how she feels? And if she doesn’t show any signs but you still overthink about it, I recommend you straight up confront her abt it. You should also explain your situation so that there is no misunderstanding between u 2 - trust is the foundation to a thriving relationship. If she was worried, hopefully your explanation has helped clear her misunderstanding and she will help you cope even if it’s online. Hopefully she’ll make u feel better. Even if she wasn’t, at least she could know what’s been on your mind. 3. I feel like that is quite unreasonable statement (that a 15 year old doesn’t need a phone) because I’ve seen 10 year olds do nothing except from snap their friends all day and theyre literally failing their academics. As long as you use your phone responsibly and set time limits so you’re still productive, you should be able to use your phone. Especially if it’s the only thing that helps you cope from your parents, because I’ve been there too. If they’re taking action on trying to take your phone away, you seriously need to explain to them.Its fine to crash out, and it doesn’t matter if they listen or not. At least you tried. And if they aren’t, they probably are just spewing random things to make you feel miserable to make u get better grades or because they want you to be like them. Because they want you to re-live their trauma, and that’s genuinely not ok. But then at least you have the option to not confront them and remain silent, and just pretend you dont hear them like i just said. I dont know if this will help but i hope it does!

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Sorry that was a long paragraph, i got bored of my homework 😭

pastel jay
pastel jay
pastel jay
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The creeping feeling that that's the only feedback I'm going to get

weary oyster
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  1. Ok then i think u have to do your chores at that point but just dont listen to their complaints. Just do it for now. 2. What problems/situation? feel free to talk abt that if u like 3. Why dont they let you prove it? I feel like it should be fine if you literally use your phone right in front of them and if they’re still untrusting, let them set your screen time limits using a password only they know. If that doesn’t cut it just let them do whatever they want at that point or just try to avoid them.
pastel jay
weary oyster
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  1. That’s great! 2. Another person is handling that so I’ll leave it to them 3. Ok let them be ig
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Hope my previous responses helped!

weary oyster