#Vilify's journal

312 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

versed cypress
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I'll try to break down my story up to the present quickly.
Be me. Have amazing woman
Get cheated on after 13½ years December 11th 2023
We have a 6 year old daughter together (important later)
She left with our savings
Drinking a liter of rum a day
Somehow find new woman without trying but at first we're just friends healing

Her story similar to mine.
Get sober June 1st 2024
Early November realize I have feelings for new gal.
Winter depression
Playing She Loves Me, She Loves Me Not.
New years I tell her my feelings
She takes some time to process it. (She'd a fearful avoidant type)
Hang out few days later but don't really talk about it bc our kids are there.

She plans my whole birthday (mid February) including going just her and I to a film showing at the local museum.
March 14th I relapse spiraling because she never talks about her feelings.
End of May my ex decides to try and keep my daughter from me (Nothing we did was thru the courts)
I scramble to a lawyer, do consultation, show him the paperwork I have.
Get remaining paper work and drive to the courthouse and file it.
Ex never filed shit even though she said she did basically.
Beyond overstressed and strung out.
Didn't get daughter back until July 18th.

July 26th hang out with the gal after i get off work in the morning. We head to farmers market.
She finds her uncle randomly so we all go out for breakfast.
She plans this airbnb trip with him next weekend and keeps nudging me that my kid and I should come.
Drive back home w/ her. In the driveway she says she hopes this airbnb trip wont make me think there's something between us.
I tell her welp she already knows my feelings.
I can't say what she said she'd rather do because it triggers shit bot but I then say I don't have to listen to this shit and get out.
I call into work the next night. End up calling the crisis hotline. They sent someone out with a cop at 1 am.

July 28th two crisis team members show up at my work unannounced.

July 29th I try helping a friend. I couldn't... Flipping out at home couldn't sleep. Boss wouldn't let me call in..
They stomach pumped him and I guess he's somewhat okay now.

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I think that's all for now

versed cypress
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3 hours of basketball today. Got a nice pic

versed cypress
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@undone sundial

undone sundial
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oh

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OHH

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i see

versed cypress
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Took a trip to PetCo just to look at animals before grocery shopping. Had a blast. Played outside for a few hours and built a "sandcastle" out of dirt and water with her (lol)
Got her some new shoes since her mom only sent her over in crocs 🤢
Chicken bacon ranch croc pot dinner. Pokemon X & Y on Netflix.
It's been a simple yet great day 💖

versed cypress
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I just chased off what I thought was a cat. It ended up being 3 raccoons. I couldn't get a pic because the flash wouldnt work as my phone is under 15% 😭 one growled at me and ran up within a meter of my feet. Scared the shit out of me. They were still cute though 😭

versed cypress
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Today is debilitating.
Very anxious for seemingly no reason. Don't want to do anything or follow thru on plans for today/tomorrow. I hate this about myself so much.
Kiddo also goes back to her mom's tomorrow.

main hatch
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read

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(past tense)

versed cypress
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Daughter and our cat went bug hunting in the yard I guess kekW she had me come over and catch it

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The cat:

20250802_132104.jpg
versed cypress
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3 hours of basketball followed by some lovely food

20250805_183530.jpg 20250805_185139.jpg
versed cypress
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Rainy day. Horrid mood.
Not much to talk about.

versed cypress
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Woke up Wednesday afternoon, didn't sleep until Friday morning.
Just sat around drinking wanting to turn off my god damn head.

twin anchor
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Can we get an update later? Thanks

versed cypress
versed cypress
twin anchor
versed cypress
twin anchor
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Night shift must suck

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Why camt i spell

twin anchor
versed cypress
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@tender tusk

tender tusk
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thank you🤗

versed cypress
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I can't continue being this way... But I can't stop.. I need help.. Professional help that I can't even obtain until I get on insurance in November thru my work when they have open enrollment.
Unsure if I'm going to make it that far.

deft marlin
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What’s wrong @versed cypress ?

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Feel free to dm. Insurance/health system sucks I’m sorry.

versed cypress
deft marlin
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What’s the most pressing issue?

versed cypress
deft marlin
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Like if you can wake up tomorrow and things are better what will be different?

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To me it sounds like you have no supportive family right? Maybe no current romantic partner and you’ve had trouble with girlfriend in the recent past? And drinking is your escape?

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You are not alone, I just read your journal and think it’s so amazing you have continued being there for your daughter through this all

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I lost my mom to suicide when I was 9 and I’ve lived through three suicide attempts. I can totally understand hopelessness, I promise. But right now I’m wondering if you’re losing your job maybe or something is going wrong to make your life harder for you?

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Or is all of that ok and you are just tired of being lonely and depressed maybe?

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Sounds like you don’t have family support from your own family?

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Oh I just had to push the thing and it revealed what it said. I’m sorry

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It’s understandable that you have them, you’re in a shitty situation my friend

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And if you’re struggling with relationships that makes it so much worse

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But if you end it then you won’t be around to make sure your daughter doesn’t end up being used or abused by someone

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And she will feel like you didn’t love her enough to stay on earth

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Maybe like she did something wrong

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There will be a hole in her for sure forever

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Even if you end up not seeing your daughter or living far away from her, if you’re able to keep living on this earth and call her every once in a while as she ages and stuff… seriously that is going to make such a difference in her life I swear

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Versus you leaving earth now

versed cypress
versed cypress
versed cypress
versed cypress
versed cypress
versed cypress
deft marlin
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Sure she might understand but her life will still suffer

versed cypress
deft marlin
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Ok so you are on this earth and your life has been put on hard mode with the lack of family support and lack of relationship right now

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I get it and like human to human I feel for you so hard right now

versed cypress
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Lack of being able to get professional help too

deft marlin
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And even when you get professional help it’s gonna be hit or miss, you’ll need to get the right fit for you but you will get it! Do you like where you live and feel like when you’re feeling better there are prospects for meeting or friend or have a relationship in the future

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Ughhh omg I want to cry just looking at your beautiful relationship with your daughter

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I swear like every person on this discord would kill for a relationship like that from their dad

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The same things making you a loving father prob make way for you to turn to alcohol

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Our personalities have strengths and weaknesses like that

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The human condition is messed up. Women seek men with resources because they have an instinct to find that protection etc but like it’s so hard to make enough as one person, a dude, to support kids… woman… like idk I just feel for men in this world. And I feel for women too bc like once they hit 35 and up they’re irrelevant. I just hope you know you are not alone, there is nothing wrong with you!

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You are better than so many. You show up for your kid despite all this

versed cypress
# deft marlin And even when you get professional help it’s gonna be hit or miss, you’ll need t...

I live in a single wide out in the country and like the location.
And no. I can't even look at or talk to women that way. The woman I spent time with the last year and a half said she'd rather // her the area below her palms (I don't want this message to not send but it starts with W) rather than being with me. She's so confusing. Inviting me and the kiddo to the airbnb then saying that basically an hour later with no fight in between.
It's been 3 and a half weeks since she said that and neither of us have reached out.
I had slowly began to believe in healing and then that so..

versed cypress
deft marlin
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That’s beautiful and they legit need you too. The ones now and the ones who will show up here in the future

deft marlin
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Messed up on so many levels and the fact you can’t get a straight answer why… that sucks too and I’m sure there’s an open loop for you there

versed cypress
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Yet when I crashed out and left last week almost nobody ever tried to dm me. Like maybe 2 or 3 out of dozens and dozens who "adore" me.

deft marlin
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Doesn’t mean you’re not making a difference. But yeah if you don’t get to see the results it might feel meaningless sometimes, helping internet people

versed cypress
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I was gonna show her that day she made the comments

deft marlin
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Aww that’s beautiful though. You laid your heart on the line… we are still in essence all just human animals though you know? She is one too, her body/mind/heart needs something else or she’s just too messed up from her own life experiences

versed cypress
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Nah I didn't actually let her hear it

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I wrote it in a dm with someone and they watched me figure it out and write it line by line

deft marlin
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I’m listening ❤️ so beautiful

versed cypress
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Ehh

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I have like 10 different versions of it but I liked that one best

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I miss playing basketball with her son

deft marlin
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It’s so awesome you can make it happen with AI.. like even if it’s AI you wrote it. So cool

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I like the line… If there is a God I pray he’s merciful..

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This is so passionate and authentic. I loved it

versed cypress
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Yeah I had other songs written about my breakup before I even knew there was ai for it

deft marlin
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That’s awesome you can do that

versed cypress
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Only when emotions get intense and I channel my spiraling into it tbh

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I can't just randomly sit down and do it

deft marlin
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I hate that it takes a loss and that much intense ness for you but I know that’s how a lot of great art is created

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Art is proof that humans have suffered forever

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Also I’m jealous you live way out in the middle of nowhere like you said. You are badass for being able to make your life work as a single dad I don’t know how anyone does it

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There are so many people in this world and I read somewhere women are opting out of the dating marketplace a lot so to men there’s a lot of hopelessness going around because for every like 1 girl on a dating up there’s sooo many guys

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That’s also because some dudes are just looking for hook ups and stuff but idk, I just feel for you guys

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I know it’s not easy

versed cypress
versed cypress
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Sorry I'm at Walmart shopping so a little slow replying

deft marlin
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You’re good. I’m about to get started on laundry and all the other fun stuff of life 😅 it was good to chat with you, you’re such a beautiful person

deft marlin
versed cypress
versed cypress
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Time to heal for 4 days ✨

versed cypress
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Why do i hate my God damn life?
First time feeling this way with my daughter sleeping next to me
I don't deserve her. She's better off with the ex and her fiancé + his kid.
They have a home.. not just a house like me. I hate myself so much. I have nothing to offer my kid besides myself which is less than nothing. She deserves more than anything I could give her alone 😭 😭
Halfway thru typing this over 10 minutes... I had to get out of bed to ||sh|| but not ||cutting bc I don't do that|| but by ||beating the everloving shit out of my legs|| I can barely stand up just as I can minisculely stand on my own two feet. I'd say it hurts so bad but ||it hurts so good||

twin anchor
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@versed cypress i want to tell u smt that i think u might want you hear

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My father left me when i was only 3 years older than ur daughter now, at first i still loved him vut because of his absence i now despise him.

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If ur daughter loves u now u dont want to lose it

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Iif u were to ||off urself|| i think ur daughter would eventually not love u

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U need to be the dad ur ex's fiance cant be

tender tusk
deft marlin
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Just your love is way more than enough @versed cypress and you are reeling from these two breakups, things were stacked against you but it can’t stay this way forever it just feels like it will

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Keep putting one foot in front of the other. We are all on this harsh planet together

versed cypress
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Yet another ||suicide dream|| I typed it all out elsewhere. I really can't handle these types of dreams any longer.. but this one was different. Usually I'm just watching myself in third person in a room using different methods. This one... involved everyone past and present in my life. It was bad bad.. ugh I wish I could just turn everything off in my mind sometimes..

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Why the f do I always want to help others when I can't even help myself.. It's f-king killing me inside

tender tusk
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im here for you 🥺

deft marlin
versed cypress
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I don't even have the mental wherewithal to respond to people but..

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Lol so went down to get my daughter registered for school.

Ex said she had all the paperwork needed so i said okay let's meet.

She didn't have the kids birth certificate, proof of address, social security number. Nothing.

Guess who did though 🙃

My ex tried filling out most of the paperwork and when I glossed it over she filled all 3 emergency contacts as her people so I went up to the desk and asked for a new packet to start it over. She was pissed kekW It's okay to use my address but not my people as an emergency contact? kekW F right off out of here with that. kekW

Anyways I should be expecting a call from the school tomorrow.

tender tusk
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and its good that you are an emergency contact too npw

versed cypress
tender tusk
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oh okay, still good 🥺🤗

deft marlin
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@versed cypress good for you. So you had people to list as an emergency contact too??

Also just total proof you are needed for your daughter. Sounds like she also needs your address to be at this school? And needs you to be around so she can even be registered. Awesome dad material right there @versed cypress 💕🥰

versed cypress
deft marlin
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Aww!! Kindergarten? So sweet! I hope she had the best day 😍

versed cypress
versed cypress
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Dumbest smallest update but kind of spiraling over it. Eh maybe not spiral but it's on my mind and I'm ridiculously tired.

I guess the gal who talked about // her and then we havent talked for a month and who hasn't been on social media randomly went on and ❤️ 'd a pic of my daughter. That's the "most" contact we've had since she said that stuff at the end of july

deft marlin
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?

versed cypress
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Probably delusional.

deft marlin
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Sounds like it could be either one

versed cypress
deft marlin
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Hmm. Sounds like maybe she is fishing for you to reach out. I can understand if you do because you really thought you were a match with her but I hope she can learn from mistakes and be less toxic 😭

versed cypress
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Gee I wonder if anyone can tell I'm an overthinker 🙃

deft marlin
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Awww yeah life is fucking hard and love is even harder isn’t it? I’m finally going poly and feel like life is worth living again. My husband and I have been married for 13 years and just have completely different interests and needs but love each other and have lived so much life together.

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(Poly but I am interested in women, not men for my side relationship)

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Didn’t want that to come across as me fishing for people or something lol

versed cypress
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In my head a lot. Should I reach out? Should I make a status on fb that singles her out without others knowing asking her to reach out? Should i just out of the blue call her?

versed cypress
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Ugh I've felt like this song was us for a long time

deft marlin
versed cypress
deft marlin
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Because she’s driving you nuts dropping hints she’s lonely and you can’t stop thinking about her?

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But it does seem like she’s toxic from your past experiences

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I just wonder how you’ll be able to close this open loop for yourself

versed cypress
deft marlin
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I say just do what makes you feel best and be as optimistic as possible. We only have one life and we are just trying to all be ok

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Women can be neurotic I’m sure you know but also it’s just fact. We are more neurotic by nature and it decreases with age but still usually on average higher than men

versed cypress
deft marlin
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I’m still curious if something felt off with how she was matching up or not matching with you and it contributed to her being so toxic that night. Like since we only have one perspective right now that’s all I know.. is one side of it. I’d be curious what she said led to what she did? Did she ever tell you why she rejected you so hard that night?

versed cypress
# deft marlin I’m still curious if something felt off with how she was matching up or not matc...

We haven't talked since that day.
And idk. We went to farmers market, had breakfast, planned the air bnb with her uncle, were jamming out on the way back home, then in my driveway she said she hopes I know this trip doesn't mean there's anything between us to which I said welp you know how I feel about you. She then said she knows I'd be a peaceful option but she doesn't want peace. That I make her laugh too much, and that she'd rather cut than be with someone. It all came out of the blue from seemingly nowhere.

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And like I said she's known I've had feelings for her for well over half a year and we still did tons together

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I guess this was really sort of our first argument or negative time together out of probably 100 good times together over the last year and a half.

deft marlin
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I’m so confused by why she wants to be alone, but also maybe she knows relationships really trigger her and get her less emotionally stable. So much to unpack there

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You could always try it again and be cautiously optimistic. I just think even you going into it being guarded (as would be expected!) might even trigger her and give you a bad experience. It could just go either way.

Maybe ask yourself how much you are willing to forgive and move forward and take the risk she really is just so against relationships

versed cypress
deft marlin
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Hmm. Yep I think she will only meet your expectations if she’s willing and able

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It’ll be interesting to see if she can

versed cypress
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I'm just gonna be a bitch and put this on my story. She will know the shoe fits.

versed cypress
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I broke down and "care" reacted to a few recent profile pics of hers.

versed cypress
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I can't wait to ||die||
Please let it be soon

deft marlin
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That will give you clarity at least maybe? If she doesn’t reach out then you know she is just done?

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I know it can hurt

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Relationships are the most difficult tragedy and joy of life I think

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It’s extremely hard to get the right fit and for it to be sustainable

versed cypress
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I'm terrified I belong nowhere.
There's no place for me.
Even before when I was better.
Self destruction always imminent.

Floating from friend group to friend group irl.
Guild to guild in game.
Server to server on discord.

My welcome is always overstayed no matter where I go.
I can't fucking fix myself....
And I'm starting to believe I dont even want to.
I wish I could go back to being numb, emotionless, lifeless.
I'm tired of bleeding and rotting from the inside out.
I want to disappear.
I already feel invisible.
I put on a big front in main chat just to get noticed whether it be positive or negative.
It's been much more negative as of late.
Yet... I can't change myself.
What I can do is make the world a better place...
By not being a part of it any longer.

Such a funny mantra...
If I can't fix myself I'll try and fix the world..
Even if it ends up being my final breath that does so.

versed cypress
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She used to complain how her ex would always send some long text then a picture after so she couldn't preread the text without opening everything so.

versed cypress
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Why did I scream out loud at home out of fear when she actually replied....

versed cypress
deft marlin
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❤️ I really hope it goes ok and you can feel better ❤️‍🩹

versed cypress
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Ugh

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Goodnight (day) Sarah

deft marlin
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Yeah she would understand if you are sick. Or at least she should. Goodnight 💕

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Feel free to talk about what you are most scared of if you ever feel like it.

versed cypress
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I'm just shocked she's even willing to have dialogue after I walked out of her car when she said that.

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The pics I sent were of her & her son with my daughter and I celebrating my b-day 2 days prior. Had pics of just her and I too but God fucking dammit I miss her son too. And the other Pic was of her and I and my daughter at Christmas

deft marlin
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Yeah I am wondering if you are most scared she would hurt you again? I wonder if there’s a way to go into it with an open mind and just hope for the best but stay prepared for the worst?

versed cypress
deft marlin
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I really hope she had this time to reflect and realize what she said and how she acted is just toxic and she had time to realize she really had a good guy with you

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I also wonder if she tends to do things like this in most of her relationships

versed cypress
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And I'm fucking terrified that all I may get is closure

deft marlin
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Like self sabotage them?

versed cypress
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Idk she was with her ez husband for 12 years

deft marlin
versed cypress
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He left her the same EXACT day I was cheated on so

deft marlin
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Hmmm ok that makes sense. If it was a hard relationship that could contribute to her being against them

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And maybe she will be fine with a relationship just maybe a slower one

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And one that gives her time and space to be herself now too

versed cypress
deft marlin
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I’m throwing out guesses obviously but that would be good for her to state her needs maybe??

versed cypress
deft marlin
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I hope for the best outcome for you 💕🤞🏼 I’m cheering from the sidelines

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Yeah I can see why she’s a little anti relationship but I can see why that hurt you, too. Maybe there can be a compromise for both of you to feel safe this time

versed cypress
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Yeah idk.. I want to tell her tomorrow morning after I get off work but at the same time I guess I'd be fine waiting 2 weeks until the next Saturday I work and get off in the morning

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All I know is I'm going to be more firm

deft marlin
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Yeah that’s going to be up to you. You probably have an idea of how you’ll feel during the waiting period and if you think you can handle another 2 weeks or need another 2 weeks then so be it. Saying it now is fine too I think

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I think it’s great she’s open to talking now

versed cypress
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I remember she got upset at me when she asked which way we should go at the farmers market and I said "idk whichever way you want" and it seemed to bug her a lot so I feel I need to be more confident and assertive in certain aspects

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She knows I love her. It's been said essentially directly while all albeit not entirely. So the fact she is willing is... idk

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Brain working too hard overthinking

deft marlin
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Haha well I hope you can shut off brain and get some rest 💗 I know it’s hard

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But you’re an awesome guy and I’m really going to assume here that she knows she almost lost out

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A guy with a good heart who accepts another man’s kid.. that is more rare than a diamond in a coal mine

versed cypress
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The only reason I decided to finally have the balls to text her was because of when she liked the pc of me, my daughter , her and her son from May of this year

deft marlin
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Yeah and she didn’t do that for nothing

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I’d never like someone’s pic if I wasn’t planning to talk to them again

versed cypress
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Dawg I feel I've almost cried more about not getting to play basketball with her kid and watching my daughter play with him more than I've cried about her

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Key word is almost

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I just felt the shipping a basketball and a card may have been too invasive but that's what I wanted to do all along

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Decided eh fuck it, it's been 6 weeks and it took me over an hour to pick 2 pics out of only 35 ish and what to type

deft marlin
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You are the best. I hope she has gotten a better outlook on relationships or can just stay open to y’all compromising about all of this and trying to make it work

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My only fear for you is that the way you like her so much sets you up to be vulnerable to manipulation so just make sure you can stand on your own two feet 💕 even without her. But it’s natural to want a partner

versed cypress
deft marlin
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Understandable

versed cypress
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Oh mind you, the pics I sent to her were ones she sent to me to post

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I dont take pics myself on my phone I'm just not that guy lol

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Anyway I'm sorry I really need to get to go to bed

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It's comfy and I'm watching shitty WWE pay per views from like 2006 for background noise lol

versed cypress
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"I should have known since insert her son's name here is with is dad lol.

However, I hope all is good and we can do something one morning after work as well"

Was the text I had when I woke up.

deft marlin
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Aww!! 🥰 🤞🏼

versed cypress
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I asked if she'd rather catch up with the kiddos around or without and she said either or.

I said firmly that next Saturday afternoon could work for me (while I have my daughter and she has her son)

She said she might be out of town this weekend but she'll definitely let me know. (She goes out of town a lot with her family)

I said sounds good just keep me posted and she said will do.

I didn't feel a need to reply after that so that's where it stands at the moment and agh.

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She's talked about and I've also brought up that she leaves things open ended until basically the day before

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She's told me it's a commitment issue thing and I just want her to actually set a day and stick to it while ALSO.. I want to try to lead and pick specific days instead of saying well I don't care pick a day and I'll make it work.

That plus my text reaching out was probably unexpected and I know she makes or has talking stages of doing stuff on weekends all the time.

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But I'm almost willing to bet she'll be free this weekend because our kids will get to see each other again if anything but I need to remind myself to not freak out if she ends up out of town because my text was super out of the blue

deft marlin
versed cypress
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Very rarely do plans we talk about making actually fall off.

versed cypress
deft marlin
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Niceee. A good list!

My cousins cousin is the drummer of Shinedown! Lol. Didn’t know anyone still listens to them

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Zach Myers

versed cypress
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????????????

versed cypress
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At one point I shared amaryllis to this gal I've been talking about here and she loved it

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She also loves symptom of being human which after I showed her it last year noticed it made it onto her auto plays in the car or on the Bluetooth speaker on lake days

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Amaryllis is in a BIG way how I feel about this woman

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It's unlisted but I've showed a few friends lol

deft marlin
# versed cypress ????????????

Yeah!!! Small world. I’m in Memphis and Zachs dad used to go fishing with my dad a lot and we used to go watch Zach play as a kid at this bar here called Newbys sometimes. But I don’t know him any beyond that. My aunt and cousin have gotten some good VIP treatment and tickets to Shinedown concerts though

versed cypress
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I've had like 3 guys from my town make it onto major league baseball teams and one I mowed his dad's lawn for years as a kid and he'd bring me signed baseballs and shit when he'd come back home

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His mom was also my English teacher in 7th grade and his sister was my history teacher the same year

deft marlin
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That’s awesome!

versed cypress
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Not as awesome as knowing people from bands kekW
I doubt you have any contact with Zach but if somehow you do please tell him he found a new favorite fan because so many of the Smith & myers songs hit home hard with me

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I randomly found them via some shinedown autoplay on YouTube

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Fucking christ this song 😭

versed cypress
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She's been blowing up her stories again ever since I reached out whereas before that she was silent on everything the entire time we didn't talk.
I don't want to say this is about me but I can't help but feel it may be.

Or again could just be me being delusional idk. I need to stop thinking about it and just wait till we meet up.
Probably going to deactivate my facebook for a few days tbh

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And i dont open her stories bc I dont want her to see me looking at them but i can see the little icons, screenshot, and zoom in lol

deft marlin
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lol I think that’s a good plan. She might honestly get triggered by how you’re not all over her and coming out with your own feelings quickly. But yeah def seems like she would really like to have that relationship back

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Not saying she’s triggered now* I’m just saying I wonder if she’s got an insecure attachment style that can sometimes push you away if she’s not feeling like you are extremely into her

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And maybe that’s what happened when she said she didn’t want a relationship. She was triggered inside by just feeling like there was a mismatch or something and she couldn’t even like understand it but maybe it was just there. I empathize with her honestly because yeah it’s hard being human and we don’t even understand ourselves really and right when we start to understand then things change or something

versed cypress
deft marlin
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Sure

versed cypress
versed cypress
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I guess an update is due.
The darkness has all but taken me by this point.

My buddy, Joe... Whom I've known online and gamed with him and his sister since ~2006.. Well I got a dm from his sister and yeah.. He's no longer here. His fucking choice, just like almost everyone else I've cared about

Couple days after that, I woke up to one my of cats dead in the hallway.

Did go on a hike at the beginning of october with that gal.. We sort of reconnected and have been doing things again. She wants to go to the big christmas town with me again like last year.

Anyway that's about all I have for the time being.

versed cypress
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Just put me out of my misery, holy fucking shit. I can not continue this. I don't fucking want to. I just need to stop fucking feeling. Not want. NEED. If my thoughts won't turn off I NEED to turn me off. At my wits fucking end.

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I'd willing take 10,000 strikes of a blade if it meant even just one person wouldn't have to feel the way I fucking feel. There's nothing left to save here. Shattered psyche, shattered soul. At this point it's not a matter of if, it's a matter of when.

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I refuse to fucking feel anymore.

versed cypress
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I wont do anything to myself per se, but god.. I wish I'd die. Of someone pulled a gun on me I'd beg them to pull the trigger.

Could I do it myself?.. time and time again I've proven I can't yet.

versed cypress
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My eyes feel so dark and sunken.. if misery loves company at least something loves me. One day closer to the end

versed cypress
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Mobile crisis team is supposedly going to call me and come over

versed cypress
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They called but didn't come out..

tender tusk
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🫂

versed cypress
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To change the tune a bit.. Actually had a good day.

Situationship said good morning and i asked what her plans were today. She just said breakfast and no other plans but asked mine.

Said my daughter wanted to go to the park at her school to play (3 blocks away from said gal's) house.

She said sounds fun and I replied that her and her son were invited if they wanna come say hi.

She told me to just roll up to her place and we could walk which we all did. Her son's bike tire was low but I had an air compressor in my truck 💪🏻

An hour later went back because she was cold. She wore my sweater ❤️

Got back, everyone was hungry, she wanted to shower, so we decided on food and I ran to get it.

Turned into 2 movies and decorating her Christmas tree 🎄
Her son was begging for me to stay but school tomorrow so we both declined his pleas lol.

Anyway, it really scares me how my emotions sway so much on one person. It felt like a true "family" day.

deft marlin
jovial cipher
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My dad had also become a single father around 11 years ago, my mother left us and divorced him when she was abroad. She admitted to being unfaithful before this and it really broke my dad. But he has given me the world, I've completed my early studies and am going to university to study Law. People didnt think he was capable of raising a daughter on his own, but he gave his blood, sweat and tears just to make sure I had a roof over my head and was fed. I'll do anything for my dad and I wouldn't know what to do without him. I know that your daughter will grow up thinking the same thing and you will be like her best friend. You're doing an excellent job and you should be so proud of yourself for stepping up and actually wanting to be apart of your child's life. You are a great man and you deserve to be happy :)

versed cypress
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Haven't slept since I woke up Saturday at 9 am. (It's Monday 3 pm my time)

versed cypress
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Heading out of town in an hour.

Really want to go to the mall and the closest one is 75 miles away. Texted the situationship asking if she wants to go on a road trip and that I have gas and lunch money and now we're going.

versed cypress
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Was a fun trip. Got a lot done shopping wise at the mall and she even helped pick out some outfits that she said would look great on me. Ended up at red lobster for early dinner. Ended up being about 10 hours total.

versed cypress
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Song of the day? Week? Month?
Just found it randomly 3 days ago while my YouTube autoplayed.

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Stopped me in my tracks 😭

versed cypress
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Bump for now while i think what to add since my time away

versed cypress
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Overall decent day.
Being gone from here for a few weeks opened my eyes to some things.

First: friends are only friends when it's convenient or suits them.
Second: those who say they care are the ones that disappear first.
Third: it's the ones that cheer behind the scenes for you that you should hold close.

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Bonus popcorn tin pic

tender tusk
versed cypress
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Probably should update this soon

versed cypress
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Should maybe actually update this soon

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😭

versed cypress
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"Will anyone believe
The hell in being me
Before i decide to be the dying proof?"

versed cypress
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Got a new vehicle 2 weeks ago. Took it out of town with the daughter today

versed cypress
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Might send this to my situationship who knows.

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We've bounced shinedown songs back and forth for almost 3 years and she doesn't know I've been a fan since like 2009

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I'm a mess and just want to hurt myself (not kms)

autumn token
versed cypress
autumn token