this will have my entire thoughts, feelings, in a journal. my head can be entirely graphic, but i don't wish to be judged for it. if you're sensitive to such content then it's advised by me, the owner of this journal, not to open this journal if you're in a state of vulnerability.
#lilie's journaling journey
surreal laurel
Day one, 02:13am
^
As you can see from the date I'm writing this, I'm not a very early sleeper.. Anyway, Hello. My name is Lilie, I'm 14 years old and I suffer with "Quiet Borderline Personality Disorder". I am trying to become a better person, and this journal I believe is going to help me track it.
Originally I joined this server to get myself and my boyfriend some couples 'therapy' as a result of advice from an old friend of mine. I am not a good person, and I want to be better. Q-BPD has ruined my life, and relationships but I shouldn't let it control me anymore.
I used to have a routine, which was mainly me taking care of myself, doing self care and making sure I was handling myself with utmost care. But I couldn't hold it up before long, eventually falling back down into my safe space; a depressive rabbit hole.
In substitution of the routine, I listed out my episode and splitting triggers, and focused on learning how to better my communication for my relationship. And becoming a better daughter to my mother.
I used to struggle with self-harming myself at the smallest of episodes, but I have grown and I don't rely on such harm to myself to quiet the voices in my head, anymore.
At the moment, how do I feel?
Currently I feel a sort of, unrelaxed agitation. I have a headache I would describe as feeling as though there's an ||axe in my head||.
^ This is censored for a graphic and somewhat violent description.
There's a singing in the back of my head that is just repeating that one Wicked song.
I also feel worried.. My boyfriend hasn't replied to me, but. I remind myself that he's cleaning and he just trusted me to admit something very important.. so I'm not going to double text him.
surreal laurel
In substitution of the routine, I listed out my episode and splitting triggers, ...
Aswell accompanied with the list and improved communication, I am learning to slowly.. self soothe myself and give myself a distraction for when I'm feeling hurt or ignored. But not always, I want to give myself a moment to write out my emotions or just crash out in a space I find comfortable enough without feeling ridiculed for my emotions that I'm unable to control.
SPEAKING of self soothing, I've been quite okay with it. I've been playing Roblox and Cookie Run alot today, and even some Honkai Star Rail.
I avoided Discord as much as I could in my own opinion, avoiding opening it and having several people on ignore for trying to contact me. I needed a 'me' day to debrief and come back with a proper head and listening ears. I do only have a goal in mind, and that's to be a better person, for myself and for my partner.
I have a partner, or a boyfriend as ill drift into calling them. They're the love of my life and I believe they're going to be my longest relationship yet despite, having a rough patch of months.. I will talk about them here, quite a bit.
To accompany the silence of my head, I put on some music from Spotify. I have Spotify Premium and I need music to fall asleep.
Sigh.
Time to go on a tangent.
I have horrible abandonment issues, and attachment. I have a misorganized attachment style that causes me to either cling or stray away from those I'm attached too, in fear of being hurt. In a relationship, symptoms and attachment style build up, aswell as losing the ability to trust someone out of pain and fear. It's something I've always had due to grief, my father.. He died when I was 8 years old. I developed a hard difficulty to trust on a spectrum, I click with people too easily and end up trusting the wrong people. With my partner, I've lost a fragment of trust for him due to being hurt so frequently in a past. It doesn't mean I'm incapable of forgiveness, but it's something I'm learning about.
My dad was the light of my life. I was his daughter and his princess at the same time. Every thunder storm I remember my daddy. And each rain drop hurts and cuts deeper then the last. Grief will never leave your side. It's a demon that tries to kill you.
Recently, I found out that my dad cheated on my mom.
I believed it to be like, a miscommunication at first.
But considering he was an abusive piece of shit, who I still love..
But because the father figure in my life. The one person I trusted more then my favourite person, taught me that anyone can be hurt. It created me to be a person whose cautious, with a demon in my head who doesn't stop conspiracising.
Because of his one mistake, and the truth being revealed, I believe I can't trust my own partner. I would genuinely believe he could be unfaithful towards me,
I do regret it.
I put that poor boy through hell and I beg him not to leave.
I put us both through a hell.
He deserves to leave and if he tries, I won't be one to stop him.
surreal laurel
But considering he was an abusive piece of shit, who I still love..
Talking about my father
He was HORRIBLE.
At the age of 5-8 years old, he tried making me do sexual and vulgar dances just to please him, lipsync sexual audios and tried to exploit me. I have vivid memories of him throwing plates, abusing my mother infront of me. I believe at that young of a age, I had a cracked understanding.
I knew it was wrong, but because they stayed together, I was taught that.. that well, even though love can be aggressive, harmful and earth-shattering. They'll always love you.
That type of love isn't right though.
Love shouldn't be toxic, it's meant to be in any way but.
Love is meant to be pure, gentle, understanding, caring.
While my big sister taught me that.
During our troubled childhood, she'd always take me off to my bedroom and we'd giggle, telling stories and singing songs while there was yet another daily singing match.
I remember there was a phase where my mom slept on my floor because she wasn't allowed to sleep with my dad,
because she "snored too loud"
I went back to school one of those days and told the school how I was feeling. Which got me in trouble. I was taught to never mention anything bad at home to the school, or I'd be taken away.
Ever since my father left, the demon of grief and depression hasn't left. I'm a depressed 14 year old and I'm only just trying to use my feet after being laid down for so so long.
It's like you lose one, you gain too many.
My mother isn't the best parental figure either admittedly.
Because of the abuse, I was emotionally neglected and I resorted to exploiting myself to discord.
I got myself hurt much more then I ever wanted to be.
I was groomed into a relationship with a 21 year old who exposed me to rule34, admitted to various crimes and eventually left off to become a person of society.
I remember her name and everything.
Then I was in a relationship with a boy only a year older, which when we broke up, he suddenly disappeared from my life and hasn't returned, and its been five years since our last real conversation.
Next was Ollie. Ollie was.. so sweet. But he had his own problems and I tried to be there. But I split hard.
I was convinced by my friend group he wasn't good enough and that he was manipulating me.
So I up and left without a word exchanged, I fucked up by telling him I didn't care when I did.
Then was Kosmo,
Kosmo was a down right bitch.
I hate her to this day.
A manipulative, toxic bitch who tried to say that I was faking disorders and shit talked me our entire relationship. Made fun of how I exploited myself just for her approval, for christ sake she saw my ||nudes|| and made fun of me.. So I split and I left.
Everything I did, said was mocked by her.
It's who I learnt my bad habits off, because she convinced me what she was doing was love.
I know now, that is not love.
...
Klea,
Someone who brags to me about so many things,
Manipulative and gaslight me, our entire relationship. Abused me in a way, and then got upset when I wasn't co-operating to her rules.
Such a sickening way I let people treat me.
If you've read mine and my boyfriends post, you can see who exes have damaged me that much.
I was taught that love was aggressive, twisted.
In response I became the one who was twisted.
Developed an incurable disorder because of my trauma, and convinced myself that I was completely fine and coping.
The way I live is not coping.
Every day, it seems that I have an episode.
My one goal for this life is that I can go atleast two weeks without having to suppress an episode.
I've been hurt.
Hurt alot more then I'd love to admit.
||I'm a victim of pedophilic S/A, aswell as COSCA.||
||I'm a victim of grooming.. A victim of mental, emotional and psychological abuse from family members and past relationships..||
I have a tendency to believe that my ||S/A|| trauma shouldn't really matter, because despite it happening 3 times. I've been ||S/HARRASSED|| much more. But never in my life have I been a victim of the "proper" thing. So I downplay my trauma, because I know other people have had it much worse.
^ Major trigger warning for s/a the past 3 messages.
I don't realize how much I've been hurt actually.
The human brain blocks out trauma.
I have so much that I'm uncovering just to rant in this journal.
Update, my headache I previously mentioned is aching
It gets worse the more I uncover things.
Because of s/a trauma, I struggle with horrible hypersexuality and was taught that exploiting myself meant attention. Good or bad.
Being a child of neglect, attention is the first thing you begin to crave.
And if you can't achieve it correctly, you turn to the next best, then the next best. And so on.
And without internet restrictions?
You end up on a dangerous platform,
Getting yourself hurt.
You might be asking, hey Lilie, if it's so bad why haven't you left?
I do wish to. I do, but I've grown an unhealthy addiction to this platform.
surreal laurel
Apologies
Talking about all of that made my head hurt alot.
I also experienced flash backs that snapped me wide awake.
Time update,, 3:30am, and its still day one.
I'm staying at my friends house, and leave at.. 9:30am tomorrow, August 2nd.
surreal laurel
day one, 9:49am
what is the purpose of good and evil?
I have a belief that all humans, if not only some are truly neutral.
there's a rare, offsighted chance you're a bad person
because in comparison whatever you do to be a bad person,
it's definitely not going to be the worst thing someone's heard
humans are disgusting
vile creatures
but one thing is that we all grow up together
generation at a time
so if one generation is taught that tough love is how everything feels,
then is that generation going to have a rough exterior, or a soft exterior?
we make our own humans, our actions and how we interact forms the personality and humanity of the human next to us
life is never complete, and we're only so young.
the body doesn't stop developing till 30.
humans are weird, for a better part
we crave love, companionship, or some crave solace, and silence.
both can be love.
but one thing we all eventually want is just another person beside us.
due to how we've grown, the way we ask for help and reach out for support
it's differs
differs wildly.
one may be able to ask
one may be able to lash out
both are forms of a person in need
9:57am
how i feel is nervous,
and quite tired.
I feel nervous because I gave my boyfriend a link to one of the messages and asked him to read,
I'm anticipating his reaction to all of this once he replies.
awe
it wasba pou gif
but,
yeah.
I know I should be like,
it's okaay Lilie you're doing something good by opening up
but I feel guilty for having it take so long
it's not every day I rip open my brain and talk about my entire point of trauma
so.
Mmm,
Perhaps I'll wake up and he'll have read this mess, or he'd be asleep by now and time I wake up
Whichever happens.
10:00am
I'm going to sleep now,
I slept earlier but I've only just woken up.
Had a bathroom break,
But now I'm seriously tired.
Goodnight.
surreal laurel
12:51am
I've been having anxious and nervous thoughts about being left behind for good.
From the top, I joined this server and managed to create a small friend group of server members that I genuinely liked. One I trusted alot, and they liked to comfort me.. I viewed them as a big brother.
I viewed this friendgroup as my little family, but I had trusted them all too eagerly.
They ended up betraying me and I was obliged to block them out of anger. I miss them, and I've been struggling to make friends because I'm too anxious the same things going to happen again.
I watch other people make friends and form a bond,
It makes me envy them for what I can't get. For what I've been struggling to get for ages.
It makes me upset and I lash out. Because I don't want to be the one left behind in the end, even though I know that I do deserve it.
I don't want to be the loner in a server where everyone already has their buddy.
I wish I had my buddy, but I'm so bad at making friends.
I used to have my buddy, but he got into a relationship with his crush and now.. I don't hear back from him alot, anymore. And most of our conversations are about his boyfriend now.
Watching everyone move on while I feel like I'm experiencing a loop of love and hate,
It gets tiring, exhausting for me to handle on my own..
There's been at points where I've mentally gave up and just started waiting for everyone to slowly leave.
I'm tired and not alot of people get that.
For alot of my life, I was begging to still be seen, and that for only a few seconds I felt seen, it made me feel sick. I do miss my old friends, I miss them alot actually. Way too much.
But I can't do anything about it because I don't trust them at all,
Perhaps I'll find a new close circle.
surreal laurel
For alot of my life, I was begging to still be seen, and that for only a few sec...
At times I feel like I'm still begging to be seen.
To be heard as a human, instead of a creature in a cycle of hurt.
When I beg to be seen, I beg to be heard and feel heard. Like a warm embrace I've never had.
I had someone who could do that for me,
But they're gone now.
Of course they're gone.
Because I can't keep anything nice for myself, unfortunately.
surreal laurel
day one, 4:01pm
its still day one and it's been rather calm.
I witnessed an argument and I numbed out.
My partner went to work..
I miss them,
surreal laurel
day one, 7:30pm
About what
an hour, and 15 minutes?
till they return.
My mother is in a different part of the UK currently,
and I FaceTimed her
I'm going to their house tomorrow.
surreal laurel
day one, 8:51pm
I ate lasagne with curly fries, aswell with a water bottle
I can hear the rain,
I'm on call with my partner
and redeeming my giveaway prize!
surreal laurel
day one, 9:42pm
working on rejection dysphoria slowly and have begun initiating to my partner, I plan to shower once my friend is off the phone-call, and then hmm. settle down, melatonin and get some sleep because I have a train to catch. sounds good, hopefully.
my giveaway prize was my avatar decoration, which I really like actually! starlight whales from the insomnia collection. ^-^
surreal laurel
day one, 11:08pm
washed my hair, watching a movie, took my melatonin,
surreal laurel
day two, 1:00am
dear diary, I dont feel very well right now.
I feel rather tired, and a tingling emotion of upset. Anger almost, I'm not sure how to express it or talk about it really. Or even have a cure for my problem.
mmh. I keep having negative thoughts of myself because of things that have been said to me in the past. I don't enjoy the feeling of not being able to move on.
I haven't been one to hold a grudge for long.. But honestly these thoughts make me want to isolate myself just to feel better.
I'm tired, genuinely really tired.
surreal laurel
1:36am
I tried to communicate but I don't. feel right heading into detail, what I know is that I'm not comfortable hearing that name because of what I tie to it.
But every mention of that name genuinely does itch under my skin. Makes me just.. think.
It's something I'm not proud of, but it's going to become a trigger sooner or later. I feel it.
I feel calmer, my anger rose for a split second but now i feel guilty.
I don't regret because I'm doing this to avoid another split, my friend is distracting me.
I need something to stress relief.
surreal laurel
1:59am.
my anger just spiked so fucking hard.
triggered,
I feel like exploding.
crying.
I'm fully convinced I'm going to be replaced.
I'm fully convinced I'm going to be replaced, abandoned snd left.
I feel like I fully deserve it too.
It's not even a joke. I'm triggered and I'm finding it hard to breathe .
I'm trying to fight back splitting and an episode both times.
2:13am
Absolute break down.
Triggered an episode. Crying in silence with a major panic attack.
I can't breathe because of the snot.
I feel like I'm going to vomit with all these thoughts swarming my head.
I feel like a danger to myself,
Like I'm going to hurt myself.
My friend is trying to stop me.
surreal laurel
2:31am
My entire head is pounding..
and I just.
Long long paragraph
Made a boundary, talked about how I felt and what made me feel that way..
I hope like. It's fine.
Idrk.
surreal laurel
4:20am
I don't feel well.
I tried my best,
Expressed everything
And I just.
Where did I go wrong? I tried making it understandable, expressed how I felt and how I wasn't okay with things.
It's getting tiring, slowly. The ability to communicate, It's helpful but not for long. I'm starting to give up really. Every reaction like this shoves me down even harder because of the guilt, I dont want to communicate if this is what it's going to be like every time.
They wonder why I won't talk about but they don't see this is the reaction I get after an episode. I'm trying my best to understand, that I've even made clear I'm not forcing then to separate ways.
Its hard.. confusing for me, I believe I've done something right and something to be proud of myself for finally making a progress. I can't control how I feel about this at all, I can only learn to handle it.
But it's.. hard.
I don't want to communicate with you, if this is the reaction afterwards. Even I would be yelled at if I did this.. I understand that he's upset horribly but I've been trying my best. I'd rather tell the entire truth then just, yanno.. sugar coat everything.
Why would I lie.
I feel like I should sleep really but. I can't. I feel too sick.
I know I've done wrong and I'm doing nothing but trying to get better and reflect, but I'm only human. I don't justify my actions with this disorder, I've explained many times that I can't control it, and only learn to handle what I can. To date someone with bpd you need extreme patience and the ability to reassure.
I feel like I'm only being viewed for what I've done wrong, so slowly I'll return the favour. Unfortunate I know. I do want this relationship to last but I genuinely question it, I genuinely do.
Maybe I'm not fit for a relationship. I'm too out of control, annoying and a waste of time to love.
If you don't want me to interact, then I won't.
Oh I really will not.
Sigh.
I know I'm the bad guy.
Do I have no sense of empathy?
No I do,
I'm constantly worried but silent, actually..
Maybe silence isn't right.
But
I don't know.
I had this plan for a month.
Well, we
Maybe it'd be better if I did the transfer.
It'd break hearts, my heart but.
It'd hurt but it'd be better right?
I'm genuinely questioning it.
Maybe it would be better,
I remember what I said to Apollo.
He was genuinely
crying.
Because I said that to him.
I feel bad.
I don't..
Maybe I should just stop talking if my feelings make people feel this way,
like..
I I. I'm trying my best to see from another view, and I'm doing the best I can.
I do love him,
Believe me. I love him alot. So much.
That it hurts to even think about making a decision
But clearly one needs to be made.
Desperately, something needs to be done.. I either shut my mouth and learn to stop. Or I just.
Mm.
Maybe it's for the better.
Nickname cleared, account on ignore, messages on mute, messages unfavourited. I don't want to deal with this really.. I tried my hardest but this, I have a downright feeling that this isn't right.
My head hurts, burns. My heart hurts. I don't want to do anything. I'm freezing up actually. Maybe it's for the better that I go.
My stomach genuinely hurts from all this stress and I feel very. Confused. Like it wasn't meant to go this way,
Like.. where was the "Let's compromise" or any of the reassurance. I made a boundary, broke down and . that was it.
I don't get it,
I want to help but, I can't. And I shouldn't because I'm the problem.
Maybe I need to stop talking,
because if I stop talking then there's no
there's no like.
no drama from me to get stressed over,
That's not right though.
Oh I don't know anymore.
One day I'd like someone to sit me down and tell me everything I've done wrong, let me take accountability, apologize. And just let it all be over.
I know I've done wrong. Believe me, I feel guilt too.
One day, I'll return to my old habit, block everyone and leave every server I'm in and go back to sleep.
One day people will know what a life without me is like,
Not in a you know what way
In a way where, oh good, Lilie's finally gone, she's been ruining it ever since I met her — type of way.
This disorder kills
And it's killing me.
My life was better without a favourite person.
If I ever leave, I will never have a favourite person again in my life.
I can't do someone that horribly ever again.
3 hours to sleep.
surreal laurel
day two, 08:40am
I threw up in my own mouth once I woke up,
I'm extremely tired, like extremely
I don't think I'm ready to resolve this yet.
surreal laurel
day two, 09:01am
How am I meant to feel?
I'm not sure anymore.
I've just been staring at those messages like a loop.
Am i upset?
Realistically no, I'm glad my partner is able to relieve a large amount of stress. I deserved to get yelled at to be honest but-
Sigh, I'm not sure.
I know I've done wrong.
Believe me, I'm very aware of what I've done wrong.
It's just,
Oh I don't know.
He deserved to get all of that out
But from how I view it, if me communicating my feelings alone and establishing a boundary or two to prevent the worst that can happen.. Then I'm not sure what to do or how to fix this.
He deserves to vent and rant out his emotions as much as the next person, I'm proud of him for it, I feel ill though. I didn't want to push him to that and honestly if I keep doing that, why am I here hurting the person I love?
I. I do have a problem with you know, obviously. I tried explaining that the best I can, I didnt say block at all, I just said don't talk to me about them because I'll assume the worst.
A simple, "Okay" as begrudgingly as it could've been, then adding on to vent to me about it, so I could've helped..
I would've been fine with that.
I'm not sure what to say to him anymore.
I regret saying all of those things about him. He isn't, and nor should he let those words define him.. I went too far. Ii. Why is he here? A sane person would've went as soon as the disrespect hit. I just.
This is all so much, with my head pounding.. I'm so tired. So, tired.
surreal laurel
9:30am
I'm not trying to make anyone to be the villain.
I didn't want anyone to get blocked.
I'm so..
I'm so done about this.
I said don't,
I literally said don't.
surreal laurel
10:25am
I tried on my bridesmaid dress
Tried on new shoes,
My Sister made me smile.
surreal laurel
11:00am
It's six days till my entire life changes,
I'm growing more unsecure in my identity
I'm growing to question and eat away at my self esteem.
I'm going to accept it,
Just bite my tounge and internalize it
I don't want to hurt anyone.
I just,
could ask for reassurance and
get it over with
but even with that, I'm asked what's wrong.
Then with a push or a mention about "what happened to communication?" then.
Then it'll all spill out because I'll feel guilt.
I don't..
I don't know. Sigh.
I need to think of something.
surreal laurel
day two, 2:04pm
I just got news about my grandpa, he had emergency surgery and I wasn't told about it because I was at my friends house..
Life seems to be getting more stressful for me, but we go on..
surreal laurel
day two, 3:12pm
made two relationship posts, drank 2 coffees, 1 energy drink.. my stomach hurts but I'm still tired.
surreal laurel
day two, 4:12pm
waiting for a bus to my stepdads house, quite tired and worn out from everything. I made two relationship posts and just.. talking in there.
groupchat is quiet and so are my entire dms. today feels so.. silent. not like a punishment but, it's given me clarity.
my wifi was bugging and I almost cried thinking I was blocked by everyone.
everyone's quiet, really only a few texted me asking how I was doing? I don't know why people can tell immediately when somethings wrong with me, but it's kinda. icky.
I don't like the feeling of being monitored like a baby, but sometimes I do. It's only people that care about me so what's the harm?
surreal laurel
day two, 4:31pm
ear ache, honestly
paired with a headache!
we have the bus in 4 minutes and its constant chatter, and im quite jittery from the amount of caffeine I had
I made sure to take my injection even through it was on the train, it's hard to inject yourself with a moving platform.
on the bus now, I feel calm and sweaty.
I'm most likely going to have a shower tonight, and have a relax. I wonder what's for dinner..
I should say hi to my step brother too, before he complains.
surreal laurel
day two, 5:49pm
I arrived safely, and the dog gave me a nice greeting. I haven't seen my step brother but I said hi to my step dad. I'm really tired, I think I'll go down for a nap soon, perhaps..
surreal laurel
day two, 7:43pm
I ate, and then safe to say everything did not digest and it was all thrown up.
It's gross,
I made a new friend and joined their server.
My head is very very achey,
surreal laurel
day three, 3:07am
everything feels at peace again
that comforting sleepy feeling
surreal laurel
day three, 3:50pm
I joined a server
no a groupchat
my boyfriend is sleeping on me
surreal laurel
day four, 6:18am
I tried writing my partner a love mail but
I remember.
what he Said and
I dontwanna write anymore.
sigh..
why can't I let go
it hurt too much
I know he didnt
meanit..
I hope.
im.
gonna grab my melatonin
surreal laurel
day five, 5:30am
guess whose back,
lately I've realized
and have been pondering on what has been said
it wears me out, I dont have given confidence to talk about it fully
but I'm just.
watching,
observing
everything feels like its gone silent
genuinely
I guess a silence with company feels better then nothing
I'm not over exaggerating when I say he's the only person I talk to
recently my ex is trying to get me back to the old friend group and it's making me. it's throwing me off loop
I keep getting messages from like 2 different groupchats
my mom stopped talking to me
stopped checking up,
kai and apollo don't use our groupchat anymore
uh.
I don't feel comfortable going back to my past.
or being reminded of it
I know i was a shitty person, that's why I left
to give them a peaceful life
why would you try drag me back
because I'm changed?
siigh
speak of them and they'll appear. 🙁
surreal laurel
recently my ex is trying to get me back to the old friend group and it's making ...
he acts ao different then I remember
but also
acts so similar to someone I knew.
it
tweaks me out.
the change
it's too big..
even with it my life still feels so quiet
surreal laurel
day six, 5:47am
I feel tired
mainly drained
I dyed my hair red
I'm gonna try stay awake
maybe.
it feels better to sleep.
alot better
to just sleep.
☹️
surreal laurel
day seven, 5:08am
my head hurts and there's alot of noises
tomorrow my grandma picks me up
I stay in a room with my auntie,
idk about keeping my phone.
then,
my mom's wedding..
1:15pm
my sister might record me.
surreal laurel
hmm.
day 13, 2:29pm
I won a giveaway but got rerolled cause I was asleep so. 😐
I'm irritated
sigh
☹️💔
I'm a little bit annoyed but I'm not gonna let my emotions control me.
I'm getting agitated
because people have nitro
and I can't afford a top up
I already don't feel good about today
and I took medicine
and everything
but I feel very very down,
ike
I feel strong emotions today
surreal laurel
day 15, 3:37pm
I took note of basic dbt skills
been putting them to use
but everything seems out of place
me and my friend have set a goal weight of 15stone for me,
and currently I'm about.. 18 or 19 stone, so it's going to take a while
about.
about till the next year
next January if we start on sunday.
I've became more secure in who I am and my identity
and that
being not insecure but embracing who I am and
what I can and can't do the change the stuff I don't and do like
my relationships feel bland
not alot of my friends reach out first,
so the relationships are left down to me
which seems unfair because I was there first, so why am I not being prioritized anymore?
though priorities do change
that's acceptable
I'm not going to expect people to keep me a priority forever
friendships are tiring,
I'm more happier being alone,
I can't shake that void feeling
that feeling of wanting to cry
I miss my mother.
surreal laurel
I'm so tired of it.
surreal laurel
I dislike how my rage controls me
I act off of my impulse
my head aches..
I missbmy frienfs.
I dont want kids.
they could inherit this mess.
I despise my mother for having children with all her conditions..
I wanna cuddle
where my hg at
🙁
surreal laurel
day 15, 10:54pm
im..
okay,
I think
my heads dizzy and tired and frankly my body feels numb
I recently noticed that people get..
scared of me when im the one upset
knowing that makes me more upset because what do you mean instead of comforting me you're scared of me.
what do you mean instead of trying to stop it, you let it prolonge instead of proving your own self wrong and disproving the theory that im going to "jump you"
it's rude
it's unfair.
this is why I don't go to anyone and rant to myself because of these dumb conspiracies.
man it pisses me off
it like.
actually upsets me.
instead of being a good friend or person and helping out while I'm crashing out you just stand there and watch
what's the point of being in my life if you're not contributing..? 🙁
lily spoke to me for the tiniest moment ever
it's been silent for hours
I reached out to several people
I just.
what's the point in trying to get better if no ones there to watch
why keep a performance if there's no audience
why add in special details if there's no one there to notice them.
I just.
my heads spinning..
I feel like vomiting and crying.
I'm so tired of keeping this mask up
i don't want to do it really
I understand it's like
something close to you but I really.
I don't wanna be apart of it
I switch turns in my head whenever I'm here.
it's like everythingbhaooens to me here
surreal laurel
my heads hurting
I might
pssd iut
I keep getting the feeling
the deep feeling
that I'm hated.
like genuinely
people's tones
they're way fucking off.
it's.
my head is.
surreal laurel
day 17, 2:27am
hello,
currently my head aches, and i've noticed that no one reaches out to me without me having to reach out first
so I'm deducting an experiment where I'm expecting them to reach out to me
because in people's belief me of me is that im always talking to people,
but I'm not.
mainly my husband of course, I talk to him tons.
but theres no one else that comes closs
he's the only consistency I have
every day like clockwork
I talk to him numerous times in a dsy
surreal laurel
day 20, 2:26pm
this week has been alot
I'm going to bedrot today..
I'm inexplicably exhausted
down in the dumps.
two attempted suicides, back to back..
not by me but those who surround me
I just want everyone to be okay, to be there to help
but knowing a few hours ago I could've lost my best friend, and a few days ago I could've lost the love of my life.
i.I.. I don't know what i would've done.
all I can imagine is..
waking up on3 day to a text from my partners cousin, telling me the news.
ugh.. how would I continue om after that?
how would i
surreal laurel
day 24, 8:52pm
I always struggle to make friends
I try to make friends with my partners friends
noope
idk
maybe I'm not fit for it at al.
surreal laurel
day 24, 11:18pm
my patience
is cut too short
I have to go to hospital tomorrow
I can feel my head pounding
I think I'm gonna split
I hope not.
wheresmy
skills.
surreal laurel
day 25, 6:53pm
he doesn't want a relationship and that he thinks our spark is lost,
there's not much to talk about
I can see him trying but I'm so..
drained and
I'm so.. desensitized
surreal laurel
day 27, ,2:59am
my boundaries get broke
and I stay
I'm finally stepping my foot down for this one,
it caused me to split so hard I tried to kill myself.
I'm going to distance myself
fuck communicating cause truly where has that got me.
yelled at.
I don't even get listened to it feels like.
so.
I'm going to distance myselr
fully
upon if I'm. even
confronted
I will explain of course
I just need space.
it seems like recently when he's upset with me he makes it a point to outwardly break my boundaries atp. it feels like.
it's tiring.
if I'm going into autumn bracing for a storm then I want to be desensitized to it atleast.
breaking my boundaries
it's not going to make me stay here.
at all.
surreal laurel
day 28, 8:51pm
I ruin everything
every little thing
everytging
I can't bratge
I split too hard
surreal laurel
dear doary
why do I do this to myself and my relationships
im a pain
why don't I just stop?
I don't know.
surreal laurel
do i enjoy hurting people?
I don't think I do,
a term for those who derive pleasure from inflicting pain or humiliation on others, a behavior that can range from minor aggression to criminal acts
no,
i don't have pleasure from this,
inflicting pain is accidental, for me
its not my intention, but it still happens
I could prevent that
BPD splitting destroys relationships because the behaviour can be impulsive or reckless in order to alleviate the pain, often hurting loved ones in the process.
maybe that's the
thing,
if I can prevent a split and control my triggers I'd be able to prevent the impulsive and reckless behavior or point it into different things
redirect the pain outward and off the internet and find a different mechanism
feelings of abandonment or rejection may sometimes cause them to use harmful behavior to try to keep the relationship going
but if there's a harmful behavior that'll only push
push someone away,
so that's not right
that leads to the push and pull of a bpd relationship
To prevent BPD splitting, practice emotional regulation and distress tolerance skills, use mindfulness and grounding techniques, and engage in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which teaches these very skills through psychotherapy. Grounding yourself by focusing on your senses, challenging black-and-white thinking, writing in a journal, setting healthy boundaries, and seeking professional support are also effective strategies to regain a balanced perspective.
emotional regulation, mindfulness and keeping an outer mind, grounding yourself in the effort of splitting. focusing on the 5 senses and challenging your mindset
a journal I could write in,
this one
what I did was wrong,
disrespectful and disgusting
my behavior disgusts me
am I a cheater?
why can't I follow simple boundaries
I should stop the self pity
I should stop it.
Stop it Lilie.
Stop.
You're disgusting.
You're gross.
surreal laurel
day 32nd, 3:04pm
school is exhausting
I haven't ate
only drank a small bottle of leftover frappe
I threw up around what umm..
7am,
I think
nothing really threw up it was just
weird
I like autumn alot
not when it's raining like a second skin tho
it's a 50% chance of storming
I'm tired and thirsty