mental needle
i’ve been needing to get this out for a while
i’ve just been feeling really not enough lately. i look at myself and all i can think is that i’m ugly. i don’t feel good-looking, i don’t feel interesting, and i definitely don’t feel like someone people want to be around. i hate how my face looks, i hate my smile, and i feel awkward even laughing. it’s like i missed out on the stuff that makes people naturally appealing. people around me just have this lightness and confidence that i don’t. my sister has a nice laugh, people like her. i feel like i just exist and nobody really cares that much.
i know looks aren’t supposed to matter this much but i can’t help it. i think about all the things i’m going to miss out on because of how i look. like i’ll never experience the kind of love or attention or excitement people talk about in their teenage years. i’ll never get to be that person who’s wanted or who people are drawn to. and it sucks because i want that. i wish i was attractive so i could be confident and enjoy things without constantly thinking about how i’m being seen or judged.
sometimes i see people living their lives, having fun, going to parties, being noticed, and i think if i looked different maybe that could be me too. i know that sounds dumb or shallow but it’s real. i feel like i’ll never have those experiences. like i’m just watching life happen from the outside.
and on top of that it feels like the only thing i’m ever praised for is school stuff. like that’s all i’m good for. just being the kid who works hard or gets things done. and when i’m not doing something productive i feel useless. like people only value me for what i do, not who i am. if i stopped achieving things i feel like no one would care about me at all.
i just feel really stuck. like nothing i do will ever be enough to make me feel seen or wanted. i don’t know how to be okay with myself like this. and it hurts a lot more than i let on.