#Life of a guy with constant waves of depression and mistakes.

23 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

molten hemlock
#

I wanted to preface this a bit. Right now, this is a letter I dont send to people. this specific one is to a friend of mine who I care deeply about. (both of us are males, and neither are gay fyi)

Maybe someone else can understand better than me.

--------------entry 1------------------
I keep writing in my digital journal. It keeps track of how many days I do. 23 days. It keeps track of all the entries. 99 right now. I just wished someone understood my brain. I don't even feel like my therapist understands. I don't even want comfort honestly. I just want someone to say that it's fucked up honestly.

I'm really trying to get back to my roots. But I know it won't ever be that way. It's not even that I wasn't fucked up then. It's just that my coping mechanism actually worked for the better. I don't think they where good just better.

I guess I look at you for someone to understand. I'm trying to understand and don't get why I can't. I don't want to be told "everything is fine you're doing good". I want to be told that I'm fucked and the answers aren't clear. Right now this is in my journal, as letters unsent. I hope one day I send it to you.

----------entry 2-----------------
I envy you. Really. You're the type of person I try to be. I don't think you understand that. I love you. Not romanticly. But I would say deeper than family. A course I'm learning I don't know what family love is. So I don't know. I ask for to much from you. I hate it. I'm a parisite on your life. I want to be a better friend.

molten hemlock
#

wrote this to myself as a self reflection.

its like knowing you been in a fog, and suddenly it lifting. being lost inside the fog, you dont know where you are, but you know the general path you should be on.

thats what quitting one drug, and think your sober on another, and then finally getting sober after months is like.

molten hemlock
#

Life of a guy with constant waves of depression and mistakes.

molten hemlock
#

This is to the drunk me.

Who are you.

No wonder why everyone is confused about me.

You stuck around for to long. You where who I was. You never showed up. You are a horrible person. I strive to be everything you arent. Please fuck off. Never come back. God I hate you. You numb out pain so silently and channel it on everyone else. Fuck you truely. I never felt so much rage twards one person in my life before. Why do I live with you. Why are you in my clothes. Why are you in my skin. How one earth did you become a person. What did you fight for. ever. I will tear you up and destroy you. bring you pain you never felt. Fuck off already. you been gone for a whole fucking year nearly and still bring pain. How on earth did that ever fucking happen. why are you so horrible.

I want to help you. I really do. but there is no help for you is there? You desire it but dont fight for it. holly fucking cow. you are just a broken horrible person. I want to love you and cant. god fucking damnit. You made friends with drug dealers?!?!?! went around paraiding with other abusers. how on earth do you sleep at night. why would you hurt what you care about? how could you. you took everything from me.

molten hemlock
#

------------–----

Had another night terror. All I have is night terrors. Let me break down so. Context. Robert is my brother who got addicted to heroine in high school, joined a gang, ended up homeless, and possibly dead.
^^^^^^^

#

Had a weird dream with Robert. You look like he was cracked out, on crack, he would chance everyone around. He tried to flex money on people. Acted off. He looked horrible. He lived in the bushes outside the house, it was the summer place house. Looked like a devil. Chased everyone around. I temember mom going out one night and him finding her and hearing the 911 call while looking for him, he was chasing her the whole time.

At one point, I got a stack of the bills. It was mostly loose jewelry, lots of empty coin rolls, and some smaller bills. He got into the house, and turned into some small horrible lizard monster, and I ended up killing him in that state.

#

I didn't want to belive what he turned into.

molten hemlock
#

Who am I? Thats a question I've been asking in many ways except in that one way. I dont have the answer admittedly. I really dont. I know some bits of me. Some of the bad, some of the good. I want to lean into the good and run from the bad. I dont know which direction is actually a good path to take. Right now, I feel like actually owning the bad is the right answer. Not because its a great version of myself, but because then I know what not to be. I understand that I have to actively not allow myself to fall into that trap. Who I will be while avoiding my pitfalls, will create a new person. One I might not recognize, but one thats not all that bad actually. "know thy self". Not to enjoy me, or to hate me, simply so that I can thrive better.

I need to accept, knowing one's self doesnt mean that others need to know me. Thats not any ones obligation. Being alone is okay for that. I need to apologies for not understanding that. I shouldn't judge anyone but myself. And not judge in favor, or harshly for myself, judge justly, accept the reality of what it is and create the right consequences for my actions, and thats not in context of negative consequences, but positive ones to consequences. Be hard on myself privately.

#

I simply wanted someone to read that last entry.

#

sorry I shouldnt have @ verified listeners, that was dumb of me, ignore that if you want.

molten hemlock
#

Learning to set boundaries. its hard. I'm realizing I never had any in life. No one allowed me to have any, and the people around me never set any for me.

molten hemlock
#

Heres something I wrote today. Dont know what it is.

#

To Siri, the one that got away.

did you enjoy every moment the way I did?

The pain? the misery?

It was poetic wasnt it.

I kept lighting fires, you kept throwing things in.

The fires burned, but neither of us try to put them out.

we though we did, but the water was just gas.

You say your more mature. We both are children.

Children who played adult games.

Our ending, it was mutually shared self destruction.

We thought we where both building things back up in different ways.

I ran from all the negative traits till I knew nothing else.

You ran to all the things you mistaken as love.

Neither of us know what we are.

We pretend we do.

The path to healing is hard, long, and damn near impossible for either of us.

There isnt an us any more.

theres you.

theres me.

two separate things.

the way things should have been from the start.

we tattooed ourselves emotionally together.

I tell my therapist I think she's wrong.

You take yours as the golden truth.

We are nothing alike now.

We like the same things, but we arent anywhere near the same people.

We are two separate people.

I am ******.

You are Siri.

Two people, not connected.

#

Signed

-the one who got away.

molten hemlock
#

Simple and sweet. Just wrote this for myself.

I have a lot to say to you. I wish we could talk. I'll give you space. I know I caused you pain. I'm sorry for that. I won't dive into detail. I won't curse you. I won't wish the worst. I'm okay. I hope you are. This season away from each other is going to be rough

#

Out side of that, wrote this as well later in the day.

Siri (ex) texted me again yesterday, after already blocking me then unblocking me, asking for money. I cant afford it, so I just blocked her. This time I want to stay commited. The two of us need space at the very least. I didnt say anything back, just accepted it for what it is. She says to reach out to her via my parents, but I refuse to. Not though my parents. She has intoxicated my relationship with my parents to much for me to want that.

#

This one is about my current living situation (half way house-ish)

Day two of being in a halfway house.

Its 50/50 win here. no one really bothers me, I can do what I want for the most part. Having access to a washer and dryer is kind of wild to me, I always remember my parents baring me from theirs.

Theres 3 other people, I'm the youngest by at least 10 years (23). Mary, she's older, I dont know much about her, but she seems the most stable.

Mark, who is mentally challenged, I think its from drugs he used in the past. talks about drinking and guns, but its hard to understand him a lot. I dont really like him, but I play buddies with him. This morning when I got a smoke in, he bumed a cig off me as well, I wanted to smoke alone.

Then there Nacy, she is alright. She is hooked up to an oxygen machine like nana, she still smokes I belive (black & milds?). She has support dog that can detect the oxygen level in/around her. something like that. she's fairly quite, and interacts with Mary more than Mark, but Mark and Nacy are married so it confuses me. Probably because she feels bad for the condition he is in? I dont know.

I over all trust Mark the least, like Mary the most, and flat feeling on Nacy.

Over all, I'm feeling okay is, not stressed, but not super happy. I take that back, I'm super stressed. But I feel okay most of the time.

molten hemlock
#

I cant sleep. I stay up pacing around my bedroom all night. shows dont help. more layers dont help. I just cant sleep. I hear the oxygen tank, and I see the light coming in. I cant sleep at all.

#

!!!Trigger warning!!!

||i remembered the night I downed two bottles of rum, and had 4 thc eddibles. it felt amazing. drifting between life and death basicly, hardly breathing. I wont understand why I wasnt hospitalized, but I remember being nursed the whole night on the couch. ||

molten hemlock
#

---------—
Just pissed off thinking of my ex. Not because I didn't love her, but because she put me through so much unneeded stress

molten hemlock
#

okay, heres what I wrote to my brain

For the love of god shut up. You are capable of amazing things, truely are, but please shut down. You cant be at the wheel. not one bit. You are getting me though the day, but I'm just surviving. Not living. God damn you. actually.

Nothing you are screaming in my head is solving a thing, we are in a good state and you wont leave it alone. accept the world for it is. theres not another step. just exist.