i am finally healing from all the pain i have felt in her life, but now a new type of pain is threatening to consume me. a yearning, a desperate craving in the most innocent ways for the woman i am in love with. ive tried so hard to push it away but i cant. i’ll keep a log here.
#L’s yearning yaps
marble ibex
[background info] we’ll call her anna. anna and i have been friends for years. she’s lesbian, so that’s not the problem. the problem is that we were actually in a situationship for the majority of this year before we called it off because she needed space to find herself and i of course went along with it and said i was losing feelings because i was scared and my feelings were hurt (i obviously haven’t lost feelings, if anything theyre only progressing) it’s summer now. we’re relatively young (minors) but it is so clear that i am in love with her and had been for so long. she doesn’t feel the same but we talk every day. she doesn’t feel the same but there’s certain songs in her playlists, certain pins in her pinterest, certain things she says to me that make me stop and ponder. am i overthinking this? definitely. is there maybe any chance that something could be there? maybe. anna is the light of my life and i can’t picture a future without seeing her and that’s the painful truth.
[cont.] however, now i’m talking to another girl who likes me. we’ll call her lina. lina is so sweet and i feel awful because in a way im leading her on, although im not trying to. i really like her but the problem is that lina will never be anna.
[update 1: 7/22] we’ve been talking for hours, as we always do at night. it’s almost midnight, she just went to sleep. the vibe was different tonight which is what spurred me to make this journal. i don’t know how to explain it, maybe i’m delusional, but there was a subtle shift. compliments, opening up, and reacting in ways she doesn’t usually. she’s fully admitted to her mental health being better now, so if she’s truly catching feelings.. what’s stopping her? anyways, we’re going to call tomorrow and i’ll update tomorrow night. l out
L’s yearning yaps