Trying to find hope

[heavy ember]

I would've had an incredible life with you. I genuinely showed you the world. And what did you throw it all away for? And now we're doin the same process again. Telling me you love me then ghosting the next day. And yeah people are right that I should move on. But move on to what? Yeah dude im so psyched to get back to working a job I hate 60 hours a week for less pay than I deserve, im so stoked to try wade through the sewage of modern dating, im pumped to lay alone in bed at night with nothing but my thoughts. Thats obviously the better choice. Everyone acts like thats the rational decision lmao. When my memories of being around her are kinda the only thing getting me out of bed right now.

I didn't sleep last night. I cried the whole night. Sobbed from the pit of my soul even. Living hurts.

[heavy ember]

Im trying so hard to make it work with someone who doesn't love me. We've been trying to repair things. We went to therapy together and she showed up completely combative. Everything I or the therapist said was met with either a short dismissive answer or endless insatiable scrutiny. But apparently it went well according to her. So now we're trying again. We're spending time together. Its nice. But shes in one of her moods. Where every move i make is a coin flip.

Today we fought. I cut her off by trying to keep talking after she shushed me and called me an idiot. But I deserved it according to her because I was so wrong. I never respect her boundaries but they rubberband so quickly that I never know what they are that day. Some days im too distant. Some days im smothering. And when I get confused im stupid for not understanding something do obvious. She screams at me to stop talking so aggressively when im asking her to stop insulting me. Listening to me is a waste of time. And ofc at the end she apologizes for the way she was acting towards me but insists I should understand she wouldnt do it if I would just do what she asks.

Every now and then she smiles at me though. She laughs at things I say that no one else ever even gets. She's the only person I know that can make me smile. I know she was the one once.

Now I have no idea about anything. I wanted this journal to be about me finding hope but I dont even know where to start looking. I cant think of any future that isnt too painful for me to withstand.

[heavy ember]

She's been with someone else. If she had done anything else I could forgive it. Anything else. I wanna stay with her just long enough for her to remember what shes losing. Being around her disgusts me. Why is it so hard to get rid of the little voice that keeps begging me to fix it. Why is every day harder than the last. Why cant i just go back in time. The singular thing i want in life and I cant have it. What a cruel joke.

Journaling has not been terribly helpful. Ive just turned this into my own little pity party. I should do better. I have to start acknowledging im still alive. Life has to go on.

[heavy ember]

My heart feels like its full of bricks. I keep crying randomly, uncontrollably. I feel so broken.

Im trying to see the hope in my situation. Maybe this kinda pain is just the cost of being able to love so deeply. And I do. I give my whole heart and soul when I love. And when its accepted and cherished, it makes me feel invincible.

I keep telling myself what a failure i am but im trying so hard to listen to the voice that says I tried and thats something most people never do.

I feel the depression creeping in already. Ive ran out of motivation to live or take care of myself. I need to get that back quickly or the depression is going to take complete control. I should start going to the gym again. Forming a routine.

[heavy ember]

Her pulling the rug out from underneath me again really floored me. Everyone was right. It was never going to work. But now my mind and my heart is shattered. Sometimes I wake up looking for her only to remember. Sometimes I break down in tears in public. I can barely function. Its sad really. I feel bad that I havent shown any progress to finding hope in this journal but this is the worst heartbreak ive ever endured. I have a lot of pain to let out before I can start to heal.

[heavy ember]

Its getting harder still. My jaw pain is back. Im realizing now how ive been living on an adrenaline high of false hope and denial up until now. Sadly that has worn off. Ive gotten no more sad late night "I miss you" calls. I think shes moving on. She told me she regretted having ever met me. I know that cant be true. It hurts that a side of her can truly think that though.

Im going to my psychologist in a few minutes. Hes really helped me to keep moving these past couple months. Its expensive. Too expensive but worth it. I was feeling ok last week so we tried working on my intense social anxiety. He gave me some good ideas and I saw someone on here come up with the idea of a fear ladder. I thought that was a good idea so im going to be creating 1. Im going to add a bunch of fears to overcome in increasing order of difficulty and work on them 1 by 1.

I think today im gonna take a break from talking about the anxiety though and try to figure out what to do for my depression. Its getting too hard to even get out of bed right now. Everything reminds me of her. Everything hurts. Its making me numb to every emotion but sadness.

[heavy ember]

30 days. Thats all ive got left here. Then I go home. Then this truly becomes the nightmare I cant wake up from.