I’ll be talking about issues in my life that are persisting and have become patterns that I do not know how to break out of. Feel free to give advice on how to help me.
#My patterns of unsolved repetitive problems
thick rock
- Losing friends / Friends turning to enemies
It is a persisting pattern in my life to lose friends, and to maintain friendships.
I’d describe my friendships often as something that ends up in a flaming, explosive, departing.
I either lose friends because they’re hard to maintain, I can’t please them or get disinterested/bored. I perceive fun as something that often has risk factors, like doing drugs with people or illegal behaviors, people who I can relate to who have mental problems.
Another reason I lose friends is because I’m not easy to get along with, I’m not an agreeable person, I require a lot of communication, I’m easily misread and what I give for others has gotten taken for granted.
I mean I don’t know what really fucking happens in the end. Friendships blow up on me.
I usually end up feeling betrayed, the amount of times I’ve felt backstabbed by people who used to be my friends.
Friends would want me to be a doormat, a server, somebody that gives, gives, gives.
- Groups of people that turn themselves against me.
I don’t do any superficial relationships, I call out what I see and expose peoples demons by being honest. These people often see something about me that’s weird, different, or that doesn’t serve them. They see me as a threat and to feel powerful get others socially to dislike me and talk crap on my reputation, smear campaigns, defamation, rumours, and a lack of friends is a result of this.
- Frequent personality changes / appearing different, unfamiliar, unrecognizable to others I once knew.
I had this one friend group for 5 years and recently they’ve excluded me from all their social gatherings and online media group chats. They tell me every time I contact them, I seem different. Again, it’s like people struggle to read me or figure me out. People find it hard to determine who I exactly am, grasp the entirety of the duality in my personality, and I will feel like a stranger to you even if you’ve known me for years. These are people who find it hard to accept multiple versions of you when they get used to 1 version of you.
- I show signs of mental illness.
I’m schizophrenic as you all know, and when I begin hallucinating people hating me, the voice of people I know degrading me in my head, relationships get complicated. This causes major distrust, an unwillingness to connect and be vulnerable further, and mutual confusion. I require reassurance and patience at times. Some small things about people piss me off, my schizophrenia causes inappropriate anger and irritation at the randomest aspects of somebody, this results in irrational devaluation of others. For example, noticing asymmetry in my own face, or others facial features. I will want to rip my eyes out at the sight of a part of somebody’s body that doesn’t look right to me, unable to accept somebody’s natural appearance and my own — how odd this part of schizophrenia is, I’m unsure to pinpoint what this symptom even truly is, and it was also portrayed in edgar allan poe’s poem “Telltale heart” which as a schizophrenic, I relate to immensely. In the poem/story, the character is seen being terrified of a man having one eye bigger than the other and as a result wants to kill him because of it to not see it anymore. I’m not killing anybody, but I definitely understand what that feels like.
Anddd, here we are…
ebon phoenix
thick rock
Yea I rest my case with that story