hi, this is gonna be my journal
don’t really know if i’ll post on this thing often just thought i might give it a try
tw: ||suicidal thoughts, probably self harm at some point||
#kacper’s journal
oak bane
7:42pm june 19 2025
i’m pretty upset, i get upset when people purposely type my name differently from what it actually is
i get upset over it because all i see is that it’s a reminder that i don’t really know who i am? if that makes sense haha.
the past half year has been the hardest time of my life and i’m only just noticing that without distracting myself with other people and doing something, i genuinely have no clue who i am
some days i’ll be an angry person and push everyone away, some days i’ll be a happy person and talk to everyone, some days i’ll be a sad person and again, push everyone away, but in the end every day i’m always changing and i absolutely hate it
it’s why i hate seeing my name purposely misspelled, it just reminds me that i don’t really have an identity
some nights ill force myself up. ill stay awake for as long as i can and even cry for hours in bed before actually falling asleep because i’m afraid. i’m afraid of changing once again, i hate this feeling where every day i feel like a new person with new emotions
i’m epileptic, and when i talked to my doctor about this he said it’s very difficult to label it as an actual mental health disorder, or just due to the external factors of having epilepsy, (stress, learning to cope with it, etc)
all he could really do for me was offer me medication for depression whenever i felt depressed, in that moment i wasn’t depressed, nor euphoric, i was simply empty, it was one of the days where i wasn’t depressed just de realizing heavily, it’s my least favourite feeling out of anything i think
i denied the medication because im kinda scared of medication, the medication i take for epilepsy created a number of issues for me when i first started taking them and i really dont wanna go through something like that again
the tag says journal but honestly i think ill just use this to vent haha, its easier to vent to a screen knowing nobody will reply instead of real people, i think that’s all for now
oak bane
4:06pm june 20 2025
one of those empty days, kinda just doing whatever to try to pass the time
had a few ‘thoughts’ but i’m not so weak to let them take control of me haha 💪
i’m not really a big fan of the person i am today, i just wish the day would be over so i could go ahead and feel like someone new already
4:20pm june 20 2025
i actually seriously dont like who i am today it really pmo tbh but what can i do other than just thug it out
oak bane
9:52am june 22 2025
i feel only a little depressed this morning, felt way worse yesterday but i didn’t get a chance to journal during it haha
ive seen a pattern in the way i feel, if i feel happy ill always get equally depressed afterwards, which is what happened yesterday
it doesn’t seem like much, but it was the first time in weeks, months even, that i was able to play with my buddies for a good gaming session! had lots of fun, when it ended that happiness was extremely short lived
TW: ||suicidal thoughts||
once i left my computer and did my laundry and whatever, that was the first time i really actually grabbed a ||knife|| and looked at it and contemplated using it to ||end everything|| and even just ||held it to my neck|| a couple times not actually ||cutting|| but just idk just feeling what it would feel like??
and it scares me so much because it was literally all over nothing, like i was HAPPY, but because i was happy, i got depressed and i started thinking all that shit over nothing, literally nothing!! normally i wouldnt think about stuff like that its only when i get depressed after euphoric moments, like it just really feels as if im being punished for having any type of happiness and i hate it, i hate it a lot, hate hate hate hate hate hate hate hate.
i became friends with someone on this server, i respect them a lot, they go through a hell of a lot more than i do yet they somehow can be more positive than me, they have sometimes let themselves go in times they were down but thats besides the point, im glad i met that person because it helps a lot to talk to them, they help me sometimes with the feelings i dont know what to do with
if i didnt have them, this journal would be used a lot more i can tell you that much, so if that person ever decide to skim/read through it, hi! love u lots and i hope you know how much i respect you for going through what you do and for helping me despite having your own battles.
i think thats mostly all for now, im going to my friends house today for the first time in a looong time, which is surely going to make me happy so im pretty scared of the aftereffects, but right now i dont think i care, ill probably care once im in the moment lol, thats always how it is, only caring once it happens
so yeah, buh bye
10:09am june 22 2025
found out the person has actually been reading the journals consistently just now so im actually crying, i actually really like crying
im not sure why i really like crying i simply just, do?
idk
oak bane
realizing ts is useless as hell! doesnt help one bit