This is going to be a really long tirade that I have written out too many times to count. I'm processing and grieving. I just want to share this I guess.
I never used to laugh. I was really depressed a couple years ago and decided to switch to a tiny private school. The first day there I had all of my classes with this pretty girl with long dyed curly hair and a "Your Arms Are My Cocoon" tshirt. That is a band that I really liked at the time and I had never met anybody who listened to them. She had a nose piercing too. Without even hearing her speak I saw this girl and thought "this is it, she's going to be the coolest person i have ever met and i will never let her go." I knew that we had loads in common but couldn't tell her because it's hard for me to speak in groups or at all. I gradually let her see who I am and she loved me too. She loved me exactly the way I wanted to be loved. Every night we would call and scroll on tiktok or watch a movie and bicker. We would hang up then get mad at the other for hanging up. It was our routine and we both enjoyed it. She was always teasing me and I was always doing what she wanted because she was such an enthralling person. Within two months of knowing her, honest to God, I became a smiley person. Me who never laughed was known at this new school for smiling all the time. Just because this girl made me so happy and I felt in control of my life for once. I was obviously in love with her but we never crossed the line. Once I realized that we would only be intensely emotionally involved, I found a boyfriend who could fulfill what she couldn't. She got insanely jealous and it drove a wedge between us but we still called almost every night and bickered. I loved her just the same and more than the boyfriend. Anyway, one day the boyfriend breaks up with me and this girl and I start sleeping over together whenever possible. We never kissed but would spoon and she would put her face in the crook of my neck and press her lips there.
#She ODed on the phone with me, then blocked me
chilly yacht
chilly yacht
This is going to be a really long tirade that I have written out too many times ...
It was more intimate than a kiss. Only a few weeks after I finally had her to myself because the ex boyfriend was gone, she got in a fight with her bestfriend. She's very anxious and depressive like me so she span out. She called me sobbing and I calmed her down. I interrogated her "are you high?" Because I was concerned about her being under the influence while in her state. She convinced me that she wasn't high and when she stopped crying I put on a movie so we could go to sleep together over the phone. She randomly hung up the phone and I freaked out because she must have ended the call and she was in no state to be alone. I spammed her for an hour and then fell asleep. The next morning I asked if she was okay and she just texted "check my location." She was at the hospital. She said that she had just done too much weed. Which didn't make sense because you cannot overdose on weed. She told me that her phone would be taken away and that she would be gone for a while. Gone because she had overdosed deliberately while on the phone with me. She was on the phone with me the night prior and taking loads of medications and weed and crap to make her "convulse and froth at the mouth." (her mother's words). She would have died but she was rushed to the hospital where they pumped her stomach. For the next couple of weeks I was horrified because she has ocd and a fear of unsanitized surfaces, specifically fabrics. She can't sleep in a bed that she doesn't deem safe and I just knew she was scared and all alone and freaking out and I just wanted to be with her to make it all better. I would have done anything to help her. She got access to her phone and told me she was flying halfway across the country to a residential psyche ward where she would be for at least a month. I asked and she told me that her mom partially blamed me for what happened. She told me that she was going to work on herself and that I should do the same.
chilly yacht
It was more intimate than a kiss. Only a few weeks after I finally had her to my...
It was really final like an ending so I was freaking out telling her how much I loved her and my mother loved her and I would wait for her to get out. I wanted to know if she wanted me in contact, if I was good or her. She told me "you're texting as if we'll never see each other again." "Stop texting me". She went to this residential ward and was there for I kid you not 6.5 months. That's obscene, nobody stays at a ward that long. She switched out of my school because her mom decided it was a "drug hub " that sold her kid weed. Her mother also told my mother that I should leave her alone. She got out a while ago which I knew because she unshared her location on Imessage. I checked all my social medias. She blocked my main account on instagram and my spotify account. She viewed my tiktok profile several times (where i have many posts). A week later she blocked my alternate insta account, tiktok account, and I assume Imessage but I have no way of checking. Just to reiterate, the girl that turned me from freaking eeyore into a smiley person chose me to hear her very last words on this earth as she downed pills to end her life. And then she blocked me everywhere months later. She had said "it's not like I won't see you again." She lied to me. I am so angry at her for leaving me, at myself for failing her, and just at the world in general. The things that I failed at were not recognizing her pain, letting an ugly ass man get in the way of the most important person, not trying to get her help, and disregarding her drug usage (weed), I think I'm being selfish and that she was in so much pain she went to the length of ending her life. That is unfathomable and I can't understand her pain so I should just accept her methods of getting better without me. But why is it that her recovery doesn't involve me?? Was I toxic to her? This is all "me, me, me" in this because I have been grieving her all along and now I have to grieve our relationship too.
spare scroll
Its not your fault
They were probably going through something terrible that they didn't want to share with others
Why i don't know
chilly yacht
she made a bad mistake and her best friend was mad so she tried to die. it sounds kind of manipulative but she was shrouded in fear of losing her friend. it really was just that- a split second decision. most suicide attempts aren't preplanned and happen in the spam of 20 minutes. i think that happened
chilly yacht
it's easy to acknowledge it isn't my fault but it's hard to believe i couldn't have prevented this had i been proactive in getting her help. she told me she wanted to die and then she tried, the signs were all glaringly obvious and i ignored them
spare scroll
it's easy to acknowledge it isn't my fault but it's hard to believe i couldn't h...
Its okay
Alot of these things are painfully obvious in retrospect
spare scroll
you doing good @chilly yacht ?
chilly yacht
I showed my therapist this vid of me teaching her how to drive so she could put a face to the name but cringed so hard and ended up crying
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I showed my therapist this vid of me teaching her how to drive so she could put ...
I getcha
I feel you
chilly yacht
Interestingly chatgpt gave better advice than here, look what it said
“Her recovery not including you does not mean you were toxic.
People in recovery sometimes cut ties not because someone hurt them, but because that person is inextricably tied to a version of themselves they’re trying to escape. It's not fair. It’s not what you deserved. But it does happen—especially with relationships that were intense, co-dependent, or built around mutual pain. She may have felt that staying connected to you would keep her tethered to a past version of herself she was trying to outgrow or survive.
That doesn’t mean you were harmful. It means she needed distance from the context of her crisis. You were part of that world—not the cause of the pain, but a key character during it. Sometimes recovery means rewriting the cast, even when that cast includes someone who deeply loved you.”
chilly yacht
Yes it’s so well articulated I put it in my notes app to remind myself
chilly yacht
Ok sounds good
spare scroll
heya