magic orchid
I have Passive Suicidality. Basically, I'm not activity looking to end myself, but I would mind if I died. I don't see myself living past 30 and don't have a future in mind whatsoever. I feel like it might be related to the fact that I'm 20 and never been in a relationship. I don't even have a license because I'm scared off getting behind the wheel, I know how easy it is to die in a car, and I don't want to put my mom through that, let alone damage her car, she can't afford a new one. To help cope I've turned to adult content, Video Games, and Asmr. Sometimes I will be doing something and get an intrusive thought of how I could end myself in the current situation, whether that be stepping in front of a speeding truck, or jumping from a great height. I never act on these, but they do make it hard to hold a job. I've been fired from 3 and haven't been able to find work in the past year in my small town.
Now to reach the more sensitive topic. I had a friend I knew as Blink, he was 13 and i was 19, we met two years ago when I helped him escape someone who was abusing him mentally online. We were very close friends, we have each other access to our accounts to use each other's library. There was nothing between us, my mom thinks we talked about sexual topics through vc or messages. When in reality, all we did was trash talk cringy youtubers, talk about DnD, 40K, and memes. Earlier this year, he stated to drift apart due to finding new friends, I let him go, but requested that I could keep his account on my console due to me not being able to afford PS+ and to keep access to his library, I give him a heads up before I get on his account as to not kick him from whatever he's playing. I do miss him because I don't like gaming alone, and he was my only friend. He was 14 when he left, I was still 19 at the time. There was nothing between us. He was just my only friend during a rough time in my life.