Me and my bf have been together for almost 6 months now, we’re both transgender and I was under the impression that we were both gay and only attracted to men. He just came out to me as bisexual, and I’m unsure of what to do, because now I’m feeling insecure. What if he met some girl or what attracted to another person. All of his friends are female with the exception of some male friends. I didn’t have a problem with any of this, but now that he’s coming out as bisexual, I’m unsure of how to feel anymore and I need advice on how I should take it. He tried to reassure me that he loves me only but I still can’t help but overthink.
#My bf just came out as bisexual, what do I do?
sturdy yoke
covert lance
I know it may seem uncertain at firs
I'd recommend talking to him about how it makes you feel, and you're worries - while assuring him that you support him
You may also lay down some boundaries with his female friends. For example my boyfriend and I have the boundary of "don't hang out 1 on 1 with another girl and no private conversations"
@sturdy yoke
sullen saddle
Can’t really do much since it’s his sexuality
covert lance
It's completely normal to feel these worries at first, as it's a big change for both of them
And you can still have worries while being supportive
It's about finding what's good for both of you and maybe setting down new boundaries (that can either be temporary until you're feeling secure or permanent)
sullen saddle
Boundaries in the relationship should remain the same
If he was okay with him hanging out with other guys one on one then he should be okay with him hanging out with girls one on one
He also can’t really set new boundaries that would impact his partners relationship with a mostly female group
covert lance
Perhaps, but insecurity works in different ways
covert lance
He also can’t really set new boundaries that would impact his partners relations...
How so?
sullen saddle
And it’s something he needs to get over without pushing his insecurities onto his partner
covert lance
My boyfriend for example has a mixed friend group and I obviously have certain boundaries around his female friends and that hasn't interrupted them at all
covert lance
He has more boundaries for me with my male friends than female friends and I find it reasonable to uphold, as I prioritise him over spending 1 on 1 time with my male friends
covert lance
He can’t tell his partner to stop being friends with girls
I didn't say that. I said set new boundaries.
sullen saddle
Or that he can’t hang out with them anymore without some sort of ridiculous condition
covert lance
You may also lay down some boundaries with his female friends. For example my bo...
Such as this
sullen saddle
The new boundaries can’t contradict the old ones
Nothing has changed apart from the dude is bisexual instead of homo
covert lance
But please understand that everyone has different dynamics and some people are okay dropping female friends for their girlfriends, and some people expect that. As long as both people are happy in the relationship it really doesn't matter
sullen saddle
Which honestly isn’t that big of a deal to begin with
covert lance
The new boundaries can’t contradict the old ones
There's no rules about that
covert lance
Which honestly isn’t that big of a deal to begin with
To you - it can be
As long as both people are happy, it doesn't matter
sullen saddle
There's no rules about that
The term hypocrisy and reneging comes to mind
covert lance
The term hypocrisy and reneging comes to mind
Perhaps
sullen saddle
Why start throwing down new boundaries for no reason?
covert lance
But as long as both people are fine. It's called compromising
sullen saddle
The relationship between them has not changed
sullen saddle
But as long as both people are fine. It's called compromising
Sure
covert lance
The relationship between them has not changed
It might do
sullen saddle
But the better thing to do is to consider the other party and not just your own insecurities
covert lance
Why start throwing down new boundaries for no reason?
Please read what op wrote. You can see how it might affect them
No
You should consider both sides
sullen saddle
Ultimately it’s his insecurities over what is kind of a non factor that is driving everything
covert lance
What affects you in a relationship also often affects your partner
sullen saddle
His main concern is that what if he finds a new girl is something
As opposed to a new man?
It’s not like women have a stronger pull towards bisexual men than other men have
Otherwise the guy wouldn’t be bisexual if he was only attracted to women
The only thing that has changed is that his partner is now capable of being aroused by women
covert lance
OP said they had more female friends - they might not be worried by male friends because there were so few
covert lance
Are you incapable of empathy?
sullen saddle
His partner loves him and he loves his partner
covert lance
Or understanding another's position?
sullen saddle
I’m capable of making decent judgement and dishing out advice that wouldn’t make OP a hypocrite or a toxic spouse
covert lance
Setting boundaries isn't making them toxic, it's editing the relationship in a way that makes them feel secure
sullen saddle
Vastly changing the boundaries of your relationship over a change that is honestly inconsequential is not healthy nor indicative of a good partner
sullen saddle
Setting boundaries isn't making them toxic, it's editing the relationship in a w...
The reason for editing is the issue
covert lance
Op's roles are 16-17, it's natural to feel insecure at that age and want more security
sullen saddle
Their partner has presumably earned their trust by now
Proven that they care for them
covert lance
It depends on the length of time they've been together, the nature of the relationship, the partner's friendships
How often they see each other can also impact it
rare pollen
Me and my bf have been together for almost 6 months now, we’re both transgender ...
It should change nothing between you two
If you love him, I assume you trust in him
He may meet a men or a women, there's the possibility that your bf find this person attractive
But he chose you to share his life, not anyone, you
You can talk about that once with him just to hear him telling you that he has no intend to go out with someone else
But that's all
covert lance
What they've been through, etc.
sullen saddle
And a change that again, is inconsequential to their relationship is not a valid reason to spur distrust to alter boundaries in a way that impacts his partners social life
The difference between his partner meeting another man and cheating vs meeting another woman and cheating is equal probability
covert lance
Like I said prior - if it works for both parties, why change it?
The boundaries you have in your relationship will be very different to the next. It doesn't mean someone's relationship is less or more healthy
sullen saddle
The boundaries you have in your relationship will be very different to the next....
This isn’t two different relationships
covert lance
It also depends on past experiences of OP - if they've been cheated on before
sullen saddle
I set different boundaries because it’s two entirely different people
His issue isn’t boundaries, he’s insecure for a reason that isn’t particularly valid
covert lance
Things like autism can make "small changes" to neurotypicals way larger
sullen saddle
The reason makes sense, but it’s not cause to make change
covert lance
His issue isn’t boundaries, he’s insecure for a reason that isn’t particularly v...
There is so much more context to a relationship though
sullen saddle
And we don’t know them
covert lance
Which is why I trust OP
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So I’m giving advice that is agreeable to the information known
covert lance
That there might be some more reason to feeling these anxieties
I'm giving advice to address that, and how to manage security
sullen saddle
And until he discloses them I can’t really give advice for them?
covert lance
As I said - have a conversation with the boyfriend, not just outright say "i dont want you to do xyz"
sullen saddle
I'm giving advice to address that, and how to manage security
Constantly changing boundaries over insecurities is not healthy
It’s a major cause for a lot of breakups
covert lance
It is
sullen saddle
Absolutely not
Some insecurities are so self driven that it is entirely unfair to force onto your partner
covert lance
If you don't voice what is and what isn't okay with you, that's not communicating
sullen saddle
It has to be dealt with internally
sullen saddle
If you don't voice what is and what isn't okay with you, that's not communicatin...
You can communicate the issue
But you can’t expect them to change for you
covert lance
I would never set up a boundary without first checking if it's okay with my boyfriend
And if it's not then we will compromise
covert lance
But you can’t expect them to change for you
In some cases
sullen saddle
There are reasonable things to prohibit in a relationship, but to constantly set new boundaries everytime you get insecure is not healthy
That’s no longer a healthy relationship but a controlling one
You are driving the terms of your partners actions based off your feelings
covert lance
Of course you should address the insecurity when it comes, but sometimes the only way to become more secure is time and consistency
sullen saddle
You are essentially impacting the autonomy of another to make yourself more comfortable
Hence why some insecurities that are entirely self driven should be internally managed and dealt with, not pushed on other people
That’s literally what separates controlling toxic partners and comfortable secure ones
covert lance
Of course you should address the insecurity when it comes, but sometimes the onl...
^^
sullen saddle
Of course you should address the insecurity when it comes, but sometimes the onl...
Sure
Still doesn’t excuse you trying to control your partner
Take the time needed to build trust
covert lance
I don't control my partner
sullen saddle
And hopefully overcome your insecurity
covert lance
You may also lay down some boundaries with his female friends. For example my bo...
But I still think that these aren't unreasonable boundaries to set up
And I say this as - some boundaries with male friends may already be in place and they may not exist with female friends already
As it has never been a concern
sullen saddle
If he allows his bf to hang out 1 on 1 with his male friends it’s probably unreasonable to prohibit hanging out 1 on 1 with his female friends
And if he has an issue with him hanging out with 1 female friend why he not have an issue with him hanging out with multiple females?
Or exclusively females?
covert lance
1 on 1 is very different to multiple
sullen saddle
Just sounds like a road down a path that ends up with a really bad ultimatum
sullen saddle
1 on 1 is very different to multiple
It’s arguably worse to be a straight guy and be around a group of women for a day that you’re not related too
covert lance
But there's one woman I am not comfortable with him being 1 on 1 with
There is some context to this
covert lance
It’s arguably worse to be a straight guy and be around a group of women for a da...
Is it?
covert lance
If there's multiple people, it means that the partner is less likely to "try anything" if there's witnesses
Yk
sullen saddle
But in general, I don’t hang around exclusively females while dating
sullen saddle
If there's multiple people, it means that the partner is less likely to "try any...
Or he’s more likely to succumb to group pressure
Girls support girls type thing
covert lance
Girls support girls as in
sullen saddle
One of them likes him
sullen saddle
The other will try to get them together
covert lance
They'll tell the gf 😭
This is
sullen saddle
Friends support friends
thick vortex
Tbh for me my preference wouldn’t date him
sullen saddle
There’s no benefit to being a man in a relationship and hanging out with exclusively women
Our interests don’t align naturally or as well as other men
covert lance
Oh he has lots of common stuff with his female friends
And honestly i love them sm 😭
sullen saddle
And out of risk of sounding sexist, but the only reason lots of guys hang out with girls is to pursue a relationship with them
Good on yall then
sullen saddle
My point exactly, the context and history of their relationship is ultimately what matters
thick vortex
And out of risk of sounding sexist, but the only reason lots of guys hang out wi...
It's true from my experiences
sturdy yoke
Sorry I just got out of the shower but thank you for the replies, I will read them in a second
covert lance
and even now id be ok with my man having female friends but i like to meet them first
idk if thats a little toxic 😭
but just knowing the kind of company hes hanging out with, also puts a face to a name when he talks about them
sturdy yoke
Thank you for the advice. I will try to talk to him. I did try before, but I started to freak out a bit. Not at him, but at the situation and my anxiety’s about it. I really do love him and am always willing to support him, and I have set boundaries before, which will not change, but obviously there may be some now boundaries. I just don’t know how to go about those boundaries without seeming controlling, but there’s an important question. Does he need space to freely explore his sexuality, or does he want to keep perusing the relationship he has with me? I don’t like giving people ultimatums, but I don’t want him to feel like he’s trapped into staying.
sullen saddle
I wouldn’t ask
He makes the decision not you
He either chooses to stay with you or leave and explore what it is he wants
sturdy yoke
Sorry I did not get any notifications I already asked but I sent a paragraph saying that I understand that sexuality can change overtime and that I support him and stuff 😓