so i have a girlfriend with BPD,she is very sensitive and has an avoidant attachment and she doesnt realise this but her actions are hurting me as I have an anxious attachment syle.Also we are long distance.It would really help me if I get some advice.
#Help me understand her
clear cloak
hard topaz
im down bro
rare hemlock
same
clear cloak
basically she changed a lot I mean she is not the same sweet girl that I fell in love with.She is colder with me she forgets to send me goodnight and morning texts she doesnt update me to not feel ignored and I talked about this with her a thousand times but she never understands
clear cloak
we are LD and I literally try to make time to drive 5 hours just to see her and spend time with her but she doesnt want to hang out with me
clear cloak
have you tried talking to her about it
yeah and everytime I try to she turns the situation on me and blames me for being insecure or childish bro and she says that "if ur not pleased with anything I do then leave me alone"
toxic bane
yannis
all i can say is, anxious attachment and avoidant is the worse combo
youd either have to learn to cope with your anxiety, and be really patient with her. or two, choose to respect their feelings and your own and leave for yourself and your mental health.
low cedar
basically she changed a lot I mean she is not the same sweet girl that I fell in...
time to leave brother. might hurt you but girls do this when they find someone else and not into you anymore
clear cloak
she is also dealing with some family problems and I try to understand her so im not trying to put a lot of pressure on her by telling her that I dont like how shes treating me iykwim
one thing that I never understood about her is that she is telling me not to do something that bothers her but she is not willing to stop doing it herself
as an example she tells me she doesnt like me hanging out with girls which I totally understand and I cut off all my girls friends and relations just for her to feel special and loved and her to trust me
but she is still hanging out with boys and has a lot of male friends which I dont particularly like but when I tell her this she says im toxic,insecure,selfish and controlling
and this goes along with a lot of other scenarios
rustic breach
Im sorry that you have to pass throught that and of course its understandable that she is going thru things but thats not an excuse to treat you " badly " , also try to talk to her about how the relationship its going to go because she going thru things and the way the relationship its going will Hurt you both
In my opinion if she cant give you what u need or the minimun then yall should give each other a time.
Also that its kinda hypocrite ( the friends thing ) i passed thru the same and its not really pleasant , she should trust u as u trust her , unless u cheated on her ( i dont think so ) thats unfair.
Please put u urself and ur mental health first even tho u love her a lot
vapid bear
@clear cloak ngl it sounds like only her actions are valid from her perspective only because she’s selfish enough to ignore how much she’s hurting you. i understand she has bpd, and it’s very normal for her people (lol), to become extremely distant all of a sudden. but if she truly did care, it would also be extremely normal for her to switch back into being apologetic instead of simply acting like she hates her bf. that’s where the problem is, lack of communication that leaves u second guessing wtf u even did wrong. and it feels like she chooses to do that, and by not even wanting to hang out with u like ? people with BPD may have reoccurring thoughts of mistakes u might’ve made in the past that are bound to grow into pointless resentment against their partner. I guess if u really love her, it’ll take a lot of effort to make things work but, it seems like she’s gotten to a point where she wont even try if she has other male “options” around. idk, imo people don’t get that randomly distant unless there is someone else.
clear cloak
I've told her all of these things last night for her to understand and change her behaviour and she apologized and said that she is sorry and that she is dealing with a lot of problems with her family(which she told me about before but it became to a point where this wasnt an excuse anymore)
now its a matter of time for her to show me that she is willing to change her behaviour that was hurting me
terse furnace