just did some cardio today, didnt do strength training because i didnt have much energy
#Fitness Journal / Stuff on my mind
ionic prawn
not sure why, but sometimes i just feel really tired of thinking. it drains so much energy from me
currently, dating this person has been really up and down. one moment we're fine and the next we're not. ive been with her for so long that when i know that i shouldnt be accepting this, i still cant just detach myself from her. im tired of trying to bring it up and her distancing herself.
after observing myself, i had really bad anxious attachment, and she was more of the avoidant side. horrible mix but i did my best, i tried to stop overthinking and just gave her time and support
but its hard when it feels like shes making no effort to make me feel better as i suffocate with the distance
it wasnt this hard back then, i think we both did a fair share of mistakes to each other. no cheating involved or anything, but just misunderstanding each other's needs.
even now, ive been really sturggling mentally since late of last year. its been constant up and downs
i feel like shes distancing herself further and further and changing in ways i really dislike, but i honestly cant stop it. sometimes i feel as if the peace of my absence is better for her.
but when all is good she sudden bounces back and tells me shes thankful im here to support her and my love is very consistent.
but what about me?
sigh, i just know a fairshare of crying, having anxious attacks is still coming and i honestly dont know when this will end or if itll get better as i want it to
i just cant imagine her with someone else, or just be happier when i couldve been that person for her. felt like she was really the one
lately though, ive been feeling as if i want to just disappear from her life because i just dont feel heard or understood
but when it comes to it i couldnt
Fitness Journal / Stuff on my mind
heh
honestly not sure what to do rn, i want to find a couple buddies to hit the gym again
i just hope itll all go fine in the future
i still got plans for my fitness, my future goals, finishing 2 degrees and retiring my parents and having enough financial stability to really enjoy my hobbies
i understand it in my mind, i have a lot of potential thats being wasting just being upset, and i could be redirecting my energy to do better things
just feels really lonely at times, i dont have a good buddy that shares similar thoughts as me and my partner is just really different.
man, a rugby player physique is god damn amazing, or a swimmers
welp today was 4/7/2025
ionic prawn
4/8/2025
not much today, walked, pull ups, badminton for a while. ate, thinking again, anxiety i suppose but hey im aware of it and whats causing it. cant really help myself though. done the best i can
ionic prawn
4/9/2025
today was going well i guess, didnt think much, took apart an old speaker and revived it. played some cultural games today for hours which was good cardio. did some strength training as well, food was good.
ionic prawn
4/10/2025
Not much today, training back and legs ( weird combo but thats what im feeling ), maybe hit some other things too for fun, i got nothing much to do.
ionic prawn
4/11/2025
Feels lonely today, sometimes i feel like i'm going to lose a piece of me. and sometimes i dont.
Worked out a bit but dont really have energy for anything. I wish peace would come soon, i'm so tired of myself. I hate depending on other people for emotions but i just cant get rid of her.
When that specific is gone, i feel anxious, emotional, stressed. I hate the feeling of being scared they'll leave.
Trying to find myself in a way, and realized i made so many plans in my life with them being in it. not that i hate it, i truly wish theyd be in my successes.
Not sure, healing is difficult, its back and forth constantly.
connections are really important, i know that i should have positive people with like minds in my life. but i just cant find any. I'd love to have a bro who wants to succeed in life the way i do. To retire my parents, to never worry, to be something and prove to myself that i am something. I hate feeling that I'm worthless.
well, thats it i guess. a lot to prove, heal, and deal with.
ionic prawn
honestly not much to day today, i just want to feel safe and not chasing. i dont feel ok at all the whole day and i get irritated at everything. nothings wrong, but i feel that there is.
ionic prawn
4/13/2025
had a decent day i guess, tomorrow be up early due to some events here heh. worked chest today and took a walk.
ionic prawn
4/18/2025
been a lil busy but life has gotten sort of better, ive been feeling a lot more consistent in my moods. havent worked out as much to be exact but i think its a good exchange for my working on my mental health.
been having a bunch of fun on cookie run
ionic prawn
4/20/2025
went to steam sauna today, also worked on bicep. generally felt fine in the day but rn kinda moody
ionic prawn
4/28/2025
Thought it got deleted lol 
but just started the day