i need to vent and i need someone to talk to

[pallid plover]

So i have a lot on my plate right now and it feels like im drowning. my main purpose in writing here is to get everything out, and hopefully someone will be able to give me advice. even with no advice i just hope someone will listen to me and not make me feel even worse. im just writing stuff that's in my head here, so if its not clear, i repeat my self, or my structure is everywhere, im sorry.

so for starters, i am a first year college student. im in my second semester and today, march 14, marks my first day of spring break and first day home after a few months. in my first semester of college i met a girl. we started dating. (and just for reference this is my first relationship). this being my first relationship means im really nervous. we have been dating for around 5 months now, and i can confidently say: 1. i love her more than anyone or anything else in the universe. 2. my time being with her has been the happiest part of my life. 3. she makes me want to be better, and i truely want to be better for her so we can continue our relationship and be together forever.

of course like any other relationship we both have our problems. we are always there for each other and when something comes up. we both know that we can work thru it and that will it may be tough in the present, it can and will get better.

our biggest problem has been our connection to one another. because we live in the same dorm, we see each other every single day, and almost all over the day minus classes and work. i really do love being with her all day. i also know its unhealthy and we both need to get better with it. we have slowly been getting better as time goes on. this past week we even hung out with separate groups (something we haven't done in a while) now don't get me wrong, we both are able to live our lives away from one another, go to class, give each other space when needed, spend time to study. etc. my main issue in all of this is, i hate being away from her for a long period of time (winter break, spring break). the entire ride back home today i couldn't stop thinking about her.

i know what my issue is. i am too attached to her. i can exist without her, but when a couple hundred miles away for an extended period of time, i feel lonely and almost kind of empty.

deep down i know what i need to do. i need to be more comfortable being away from her. right now i can't stop thinking about summer break and how i will be away from her for 3 months. i know that i can get thru it, i know i can, but it scares me. it worries me. now just to be clear it is not a "she is gonna cheat on me" reason, just a i've grown too dependent on her and don't wanna be without her. i am well aware that this is unhealthy. i am well aware if i don't fix this, that i could lose her. i know this, and i want to be better. i want to be better for her, our relationship, our future, and most importantly to me, better for myself.

while all that is a large stress to me right now, its sadly not my only one. my family really stresses me out. and to be clear, i know family's can suck sometimes. i also know that i am so fortunate for the family i have. i am loved, and i love them with all my heart. but with that said, they can stress me out to my breaking point.

right before spring break, my mom got on me about my classes. we use life360 to track one another. and she saw that on some days i would not go to a class or two. now, i know owning up to my mistakes is the best option, so i will explain the story and own up to the mistakes i made.

so, first of all, yes i did skip classes. however, i do have a reason for every single skip. firstly, i stopped going to my math class a few weeks ago because my professor has an accent that i can not understand. my first midterm in that class, i bombed. it sucked. because of the grading scale i did get a c, but i knew that i could do better. so a little while ago i stopped going to lecture, and starting using khan academy. i've been using to for the last few weeks, and i just had my second midterm yesterday. while it is still a hard class and some of the questions were simply too difficult for me at the time, i felt so much more prepared for this exam. i felt confident. i felt ready.