#I don't really know what i need and it hurts.

52 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

wind cape
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I just realized im on discord typing this shit out. Crazy times for me. Anyways lets go over where i am.

about 9 months ago the greatest relationship i ever had broke up with me. Our relationship was excellent, we rarely fought, always sought to understand each other and called each other everyday. Everyday i would either give or receive a good morning text and at end the day with a goodnight call. I still don't what happened to her but one day she just wasn't herself and our relationship that lasted for more than a year shattered in the course of 3 weeks. We spent months still talking, me trying to get her back and make her feel better. this lasted for months with me doing everything to be better and grow to support her. This ended in october when i finally ended things for good and we havent talked since. I still miss her and her support because when she found me i was on the brink of suicide and she easily saved my life.

Following the breakup i kept trying to do what i can to grow. I returned to college after the summer and confided with my circle of friends. I was an RA so going back to my cycle and helping and talking to other RAs i knew and supporting my residents was helping alot and bringing me back from a really hard place. I still wanted to move on and help myself and i wanted to try and date again which was stupid on my part because i wasn't ready

I met a desk attendant for one of the dorm entrances and we became friends. We talked before but this was the only time we had an actual conversation and after and hour of conversation we exchanged numbers and talked throughout the night. She had quite a bit of redflags but i ignored them because i just wanted to have someone again. We ended up meeting up that same night and both admitted we had feelings for eachother. I asked to kiss her and we madeout. Nothing sexual happened and no clothes were removed. The night ended about 2 hours later at 1 in the morning. We kissed throughout the night (1)

wind cape
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we kissed but ended the night with seeing that we werent for eachother mutually and i asked everytime i kissed her. We friendzoned eachother the next day where she accused me of acting without consent which i contested. She did say she had several mental health illnesses and would even talk to her lamp when it flickered thinking it was a pagan god. So after that we both moved on. I would see her around and say hi but i moved on from the night and kept trying to do my best to recover where i could. Then at the end of october my life was turned around

title 9 is a program several colleges have to document and report actions of sexual violence and various forms of discrimination like racism. They launch an investigation into the reported actions and act as such. This girl made a false Title 9 on me claiming i sexually violated her and other insane claims. i was called down to my bosses office within 10 minutes of the email and was suspended from my RA position solely because of the accusation. I'd still be paid but basically i had to move dorms and i would not be an RA until the title 9 case was concluded. I broke down crying in the office and went the counseling where i bawled my eyes out. Being an RA on campus was my purpose, i loved helping others and making friends. I had a circle of support with other RAs and i felt like i knew everyone. I one move i didnt have that and was forced into a shitty dorm with 3 other people i didnt know. At this time my mental health just tanked and i had to lie to the RA GC on why i would be leaving citing mental health struggles. I only confided in my family and my closest friend, another RA on the truth and how i was innocent.

Following this i just was a shell. It felt like i lost everything. My friend circle, my job, my purpose, my girlfriend even the dorm i was so excited to be in. I couldnt get out of bed and i fell behind on assignments. My roommates were really cool and nice but i still felt like a stranger. (2)

wind cape
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I met with the title 9 directer several times to give my side of the events and just vent to her on how this way destroying me. She was sympathetic and assured me that i should get a conclusion by the end of the semester and i'd get an extension on my assignmnts should i need it. i very happily took it. Me and my closest friend spent alot of time together and i confided in her alot. We went out and did everything. After one of the nights i caught a nasty fever and was pretty sick. I went to the first desk of a dorm hall to ask my old RA friends for some money id pay back for some ginger ale to make my stomach feel better. low and behold the girl who caused this mess was also at the desk. I only talked to the RAs and didn't even make Eye contact with the girl. the vending machine didnt take the cash so i thanked the Ras and walked back to my dorm. A few days go by and i'm still recovering from my illness when University police call me into the station. In short the girl lied to the police claiming i was stalking and running after her and cited the "ginger ale" incident was a purposeful attempt to hurt her. I tried to defend myself and call BS but the cops simply let me off with a warning. i should also mention that we have a no contact order with each other by this point. i spoke to the Title 9 director who was sympathic but powerless on what the girl claimed but would talk to the police chief on their BS

time passed and i eventually get prescribed anti-depressants. I am interviewed about the incident and give my POV and such. All while struggling mentally and still talking with the director where i can. Months go by and i end up telling others i'm close with what happened including an old resident i had who were all really supportive. i'm supposed to hear by the end of the semester a conclusion but i never do. Christmas comes and goes and i briefly talk with a girl that didn't go anywhere. During christmas break i reach out to the director again for an update (3)

wind cape
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in short christmas delayed the conclusion and i likely wouldnt hear a conclusion till the end of february. This breaks my heart because i wouldn't be able to return as an RA in time because the next semester would be my graduting semester and it's halfway through. When january starts i stop hearing from my close friend for no reason i'm also given time to review the interview i had as well including hers and provide commentary. In short, her interview is so full of lies it was astonishing and her only evidence was convos between her friends with a witness just being her friend too, no proof of anything. Hilariously my evidence (our text convo) proved her in several lies. I met with the director who told me that title 9 was kinda being thrown in the air cause of trump. She saw the interview and told her that the case was on my side now cause i caught her in lies. She aalso told me that the crazy girl tried to charge me with stalking but she wouldn't it cause seeing me walk to class or doing anything on campus isn't considered stalking (lmao).

My mental health continues to struggle as now my closest friend is a former resident i had and now i feel more isolated and alone then ever with only really her as a friend. I start falling behind on my assignments again and start lashing out randomly to discord friends on a server. it gets to the point where i find a friend online but eventually get ghosted which really hurt. I soon had a week of suicidal considerations where only an old friend i had was able to talk to me and calm me down from the legit hysteria i was in. I actually had my car slide through a red light on ice and i legit was scared. She visited me and gave me the best hug i could ever ask her. i tried counseling again but that didn't help. I was recently put
on an enforced leave with the discord sever i was in cause i crashed out so insanely hard on someone that staff forced me to take a break to get some help. (4)

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So here i am. I only really talk to my resident friend now and my roommates just left for spring break. I'm lonely beyond all belief and i still feel so sad and hurt. My birthday was a few days ago and my roommates took me to a bar. I got so drunk i had to be carried back to my dorm (another discord crashout from earlier was when i was drunk). Seeing my family for my birthday didnt even feel right and i just wasn't there. I want to feel ok and happy again but i just can't. i try everything, church, working out, prayer, and going out, nothing helps. I don't even think the title 9 conclusion will help . This girl wanted to hurt me and cause damage and it worked. She took everything from me and i'd be lying if i said i didn't consider hurting her. i recently scribbled out the initials of me and my ex on the bridge i asked her out on 2 years ago. i i thought it would help me feel better and while it was certainly a help, it only helped for a day. started developing this weird thought that every nice conversation i have with a girl should end with me asking for their number which is obviously pretty creepy. So i'm in my dorm, sad, broken, lonely, hurt and empty. I honeslty dont feel much another and i guess i'm just looking for anything. In my complete honesty i don't even think i can pass my last semester to graduate.

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sorry for the text wall. but yeah thats everything

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oh damn that took an hour to write

gentle gate
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i wish its easy.

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to be honest with you

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nothing can let you forget that

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its worse than military training being burned into your brain

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its worse than any ptsd

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get a fresh start ngl

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i am still not at the end

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i got to the christmas part

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your story is straight up depressing wtf

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getting falsely reported for absolutely no reason

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tho it was partially your fault on the first one because you didnt get the red flags

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(big mistake)

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2nd was just weird

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Happy late birthday, friend.

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@wind cape

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the best option is actual therapy

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get a therapist

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get em to plan appointments

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and visit em regularly

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one thing you HAVE to understand is

no matter how a person in your life feels important

whenever they leave you behind you begin to realize how normal and casual they were

its only you who thinks of them in a special way if they break your heart they are as good as a stranger.

wind cape
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Hello, so first things first thank you the brithday wish. But yeah i've had alot of time to regret even talking to the girl in the first place. yeah going fast was on me but i never acted out of consent and didnt even do anything sexual. I tried therapy and honestly it didnt help, i still felt empty. i really do want a fresh start and i was hoping the graduation would give me that and i can move on with my life and be ok. It's hard because im also autisitc and really struggle with making friends and having a long term connection

gentle gate
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and move to another place

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leave old life behind

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and try your best with a job and shit

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just get it together

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someday you will find a compatible soul

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btw in one thing that would be really good to do

whenever you got feelings for someone
they got feelings back
put up and only in your mind what they do around you and if its a red flag

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if they have red flags (i mean alot of em)

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dont admit your feelings and know they aren't really compatible

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otherwise have fun ig

wind cape
# gentle gate i suggest just falling onto your studies get the best score you can

i'm trying the best i can. i just feel like it's not enough and i cant do it. It's hard to completely start over man as much as i want to just feel ok again. i honestly have no idea what it will take and i have no idea what my future is but honestly im not hopeful at all. If i'm getting forced to take breaks from my hobby and i stop feeling in control of myself and yell at my friends for trying to help it's not really there to just start over.

gentle gate
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with time you can break the emptiness

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just promise me you wont hurt yourself okay?

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promise me you will put it all together

wind cape
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I’ll try my best but I don’t really think I’ll be in the position to make the promise

gentle gate
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never hurt yourself

wind cape
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Ok, I haven’t hurt myself before but I promise I won’t do it now

wind cape
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Would anyone else like to comment on this?

wind cape
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Update: the conclusion for the case came out and I’m found innocent and this girl is basically found batshit

gentle gate
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i think you can sue for emotional reasons