do i deserve to be harassed

[dense willow]

i don’t see myself as a good person. i think i deserve a lot of terrible things. but ive had this awful feeling in my entire body nonstop for a week now.

lately i was getting into arguments with various people in my friend group. i could tell that i wasnt well liked anymore so i started distancing myself. tried to let them go and all. thats fine, friendships change, you gain and lose them. i can accept that, ive lost friends before.

then, after a few days of no contact between any of us, i get sent paragraphs upon paragraphs of hate from them. i didnt read any of it because ive already had this awful feeling for a while and i didnt think my heart could take it.

they think im a horrible toxic person. theyre probably right. i dont really want to disclose anything but im often unintentionally manipulative, guilt tripping, etc. it comes with the mental illness but obviously its still my fault. im young and im scared and im still figuring things out about myself. i dont have everything put together. losing a friendship wasnt unexpected, i could handle it. i knew i wasnt a good friend.

they called me a coward for blocking them instead of reading their messages and engaging with them. i know that theyre very explosive people, they like to argue and fight with people they dont like instead of ignoring, blocking and moving on like i do. this was the first time i was on the receiving end of this.

i ended up having to unfriend and block all of them on several platforms because they attempted to communicate with me on those, too. i dont want to fight or argue, thats not who i am. its clear that the damage has been dealt and they hate me, so i dont see a point in engaging with them. i thought blocking them would be enough but they kept trying to message me, telling me i was running away from my problems. i dont think i am. im aware of my faults, i dont need to hear them from other people.

(continued) and its just left me questioning some things. if i was, say, the worst person in the world, would i deserve this? if i hurt animals and people, if i was rude and selfish, if i cheated lied and stole, committed every crime and sin, would i deserve this? am i a bad enough person to deserve this?

i dont have anyone. that was my entire friend group. i was completely dropped by all of them, all at once. they all hate me. my only saving grace is that none of them go to my school anymore so i wont have to deal with in person confrontation.

this all feels like one big sob story. o woe is me, someone save me! my horrible friends were toxic and cruel to me! but i dont see it that way. i was offended and hurt of course, these were close friends of mine and to hear such hatred from them is obviously upsetting. but im guilty of guilt tripping, playing the victim, shifting blame onto others, and other bpd bullshit. one of those friends was also my fp, and she was the one leading the charge of hating me. i think thats what might sting the most.

i dont even know. my solution so far has been to dive headfirst into things ive decided i need in life. ive improved my grades because ive been working on my work more. ive made more progress on my hobbies and games.

maybe my destiny is just to never have friends, or any sort of connection. because ill only end up hurting people.

oh i hate opening up my feelings like this. now im playing the victim. now im guilt tripping. is sharing my emotions and grief and guilt a form of manipulation? i dont intend it at all. i am, and have always been, a fucking human. i make mistakes, i have some bad morals, make some bad decisions, and fuck things up. but i like to think that when i say and do things, i do it with the most wholesome intentions.

(continued) the bpd mindfuck is real. am i a good person or a bad person? thats black and white thinking. im aware. but its all my mind can come to the conclusion of. did i deserve the barrage of messages sent by my ex friends? should i have engaged with them so they could burn me at the stake, flame me alive? burn me like the wicked witch i am?

what kind of person deserves to feel the way i do, and am i that kind of person?

you dont need to answer that, or anything really. you dont need to even read this. i kinda doubt anyone will. i really mean it when i say that, too. whenever someone says “i doubt anyone will see this”, it ends up blowing up, but not for me.

so i guess the point of this is just for catharsis? i dont know at this point.

do the morally righteous have the right to flame the morally wrong? do the good people have the right to be cruel to the evil people? oh i dont know…

this is tagged as need support/advice but honestly i dont know what i need. could any words fix the void in my withered heart?

dont mind my poetic musings. im a writer and it sort of flows out naturally when i write. thats what ive been doing a lot of lately, writing. ive gotten a lot of progress done, being alone.

being alone isnt really the worst part. its not bad at all actually. its being hated. and knowing its all your fault, because every single bad decision is your own choice.

i wouldnt wish bpd on my worst enemy

if, for whatever reason, one of my ex friends is reading this… (which i doubt since none of them are active on discord) please just leave me alone. i dont want to hear how much you hate me.

[pallid shale]

every human is a shade of grey

if you genuinely don’t mean to hurt anyone then it’s not you. being able to contemplate whether you are toxic or not shows the lack of toxicity and a growth mindset. a truly toxic person will stand their ground and not reevaluatet themselves

your actions can hurt people sometimes but they don’t define you as bad

if you look over your actions it’s not toxicity it’s growing and learning

also your writing is beautiful and i’m glad you finally are getting the time to do things for you

oh shoot maybe i should ping you @dense willow

[dense willow]

thank you for your response❤️❤️im trying to work on myself and your words feel reassuring. i want to become someone people dont hate to be around and it can sometimes feel like a neverending cycle, that ill just repeat the same mistakes, but im hoping that i can do better and become a person that im happy with