#My journal!!!1!!

661 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

strange viper
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im very lazy today

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I really wanted to TRY and socialize today but oh well. is harder than I thought

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I really hoped that there would be at least one new student

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but no

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Is all the same people

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And im so different from them

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I feel like an alien

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Is like I don't belong here

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I kinda don't belong anywhere

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I want to

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But is so hard

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Is so easy for everyone else, but I have to make the double effort

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And I wonder if it will be enough anyway

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Oh this is so funny

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The teacher was asking everyone their names and what they do

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And she SKIPPED me

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am i really that freaking invisible

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for the first time that I wanted to participate and like talk

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I wonder if I should keep trying

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or ust

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Give up

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this is torture

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I keep hearing ppl laugh. And have fun with each other

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And im so jealous

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WHY i can't be like them

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Whats the thing that's wrong with me

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I dont get it

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In my 15 years of living I had max 3 friends. Is almost like I was born to be alone

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But I don't want that

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I want to be with people, I love people

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I want to have a social life

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And if I am mean to be alone

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I dont see the point on living

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This is more like a venting journal but

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Nobody reading this anyway

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I feel like a loser womp womp

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how can I be the only. friendless person in the school

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EVERYONE

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Has friends

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But not me

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So unfair

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I remember last year, I always saw a student that was lonely like me

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And it made me feel good because I wasn't the only one

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But they ended up having more friends than me

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And is no about personality

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Because even shy students have friends

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I dont get it

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I really don't want to be like this forever

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I hope this is just a phase

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But I have been in this phase for years already

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Thankfully I'm not ||suicidal|| anymore

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But it hurts more now

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At least I didn't care before

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But now I have the necessity to change and improve my life

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I prefer not caring

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But ||dying|| is not an option anymore

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I'm definitely gonna keep trying

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I know I have a lot of potential

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but

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is so hopeless sometimes

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I may aswell just

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runaway and rot in the woods or something

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I'm not supposed to live like this

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I need more, I want more

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but is so hars

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I have been in rock bottom so much time

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Is so hard to get back up again

strange viper
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Oh um so many voices

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everyone has someone to talk to except for me

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I fcking hate it

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I hate myself

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I hate the life I made

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I really thought I made a big progress

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I really thought I was gonna be able to.handle this

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but is so hard

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this is a reality hit.

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I'm the same awkward, shy person nobody sees

strange viper
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I feel really separated from people

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Everyone got groups but excluding me

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ahh

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I dont know

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how could I approach

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maybe I'll just keep getting ignored

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Or rejected

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I would prefer to be rejected

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I'm already ignores

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I got so used to this that it feels normal

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But when i see it from the outside perspective

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Is fckin stupid

strange viper
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I want to cry so bad

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But I have to get home first

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I just need someone

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I wish I was important

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I wish I was noticed

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yay I cant wait to get home and be miserable in my room!!

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It would be nice if I could at least go to take walks!! Or something

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But my parents don't let me do ANYTHINGGG

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So im a prisioner everywhere

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i

strange viper
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So I got home and I instantly felt better

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I guess that school just has a weird vibe

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Or

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Is a reminder of what I lack

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I also ate

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rice and chicken

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freaking yummy

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it def helped

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Um I just realizdd

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Is actually harder to not have friends at all than having

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I'm pretty sure 95% of ppl have at least 1 friend

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thats a good and a bad thing

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is good because, theres still faith

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And is bad because it means there's something pretty wrong with me

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OH MY GOD THANKS MOM

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She actually gave me a good idea

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Instagram!!!

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That's a great way to meet ppl... ig

strange viper
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lord im finally okay again

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Today was hell

strange viper
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I think I'm dying

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this is

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omg

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I havent feel this way in a long time

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I wish someone could hug me right now

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I'm so dramatic

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This isnt gappeninf

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LITERALLY WTF

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Is wrong

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With everythinf

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i

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I cant do this anymore

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if im still alone by my birthday

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I'm actually doing it

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I dont care

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I dont even know if this is the right place to vent

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Or if I should do it somewhere else

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It doenst even matter

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I just need someone

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i

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HOW CAN THE PAIN BE SO BIG

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I should take a break

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But I cant

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Theres nothing else

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I'm empty

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Im an empty void of a person

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everything is empty

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I dont get it

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what went wrong

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In what point of my life

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I ruined it

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I'm so stupid

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I'm so so so SoSOoso

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So tupid

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I ned someone to love me

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or

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Anything

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At all

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I need something

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But what

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mmm

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I'm such a

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Lpser

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I dont even deserve anyone

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I wish life didn't hate me

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nobodycares

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nobody

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Noooooobody

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fuc this

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is okay

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It will pass

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Everything will be okay

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I will be okay

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Like always

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Right

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I'm just talking to myself

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Like all day

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That's what I do all day

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Because what else can I do

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But even if im screaming into a void it actually makes me feel pretty good

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This is liberating

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I still feel really bad

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But

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This helps

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Um

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I guess

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i dont even know

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I'm just saying words atp

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im really pathetic

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I really am

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but who cares

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literally

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this is juts a bad momnt

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this is just a bad moment

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Bro am I even real

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this whole thinf

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my whole life

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isn't even real

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is a simulation

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a boring. Depressing. Simulation

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how does everyone have it easier than me

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why do I lack in every aspect

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Why do I have it hard

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Why do I have to put more effort

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I dont get it

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i had the same opportunities as everyone but still failed

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I need to smash my head with something

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my brain

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is so rotten

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I cant feel normally

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Everything is maximized

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every.little emotion

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Is so intense

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except for happiness.

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I HATE THISIHATETHIS

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I need

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Someone

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I need another human being to tell me that is gonna be okay

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yes i am desperated for attention

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How could I NOT BE

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I hace been ignores my whole life

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In every setting

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Elementary school

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now high school

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my whole life

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but

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wow

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everything I wrote here is ventinf

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lol

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I actually don't have anything else to share

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My whole existence is

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Depressing

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but still. I dontgive up

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yet

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I dont know

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every where I go

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I'm reminded of what I'm not

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Of what I dont have

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is torture

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how the hell was I so used to this

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Why does it started to hurt now

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I just realized

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How bad my life is

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every day felt like seconds

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But now that I see it from the outside

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anyone else would have ||commited|| in my place

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and I had many chances

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Many

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2 attempts

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and im still here

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It must be for a reason

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Not because I'm a coward

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Right?

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idk

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as I write i feel a weight off my shoulders

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is really nice

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I'm feeling much better

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But I know this will come back

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This feeling

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Idk if it will ever leave

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Mm thus is more like a venting notebook

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Lol

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I cant wait to be in the ftute

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and hopefully be a much more happy person

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with company, with stories to tell

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reaching my goals

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and this thing I am right now will only be a blurry memory

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this version of me will be death

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I cant wait

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Uh oh

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Is comming back

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I domt even have nothing left to write

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I think

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I left it all out

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So I will try to distract myself

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with

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anythinf

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My heart feels so heavy

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I rlly wish I didn't have emotions at all

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tbh I would prefer being numb the whole day

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Than being whatever this sh1t is

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I know im the only one that can changes this

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I have the power to change anything on my life

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But I don't even feel capable of it

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I have full control

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But im not

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I'm not enough

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Someone please come and ||kill|| me

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unfnnfenkwkwkwkskakakwkwk

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this pain is bigger than anything I ever felt

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I cant handle it

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Icantkvant

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All I can do

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Is stare at my phone

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Scrolling mindlessly

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Because if I don't ill just burst out crying

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I'm really here hugging myself

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so pathetic

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dude

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how can i be

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why am I lik this

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what the hell is wrong with my brain

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like

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what the fuc

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Do I really have to live my whole life like this

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my emotions are like a bomb

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I can explode any minute

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this is

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AAAA

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I dont want to

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I dont want this anymore

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I want to change

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I need to

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I will change

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But

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When

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uhhhhhhhhhhhhh1hh1h1hh2h1h1h1h1h1h2h1hhhh3hyeu2ueuwiwusjwj28isjwusikwks

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I hate everhtbin

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I need someone to save me

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But I have to save myself

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nobody else will

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um

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fck

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how can people say you don't need friends

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you literally do

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Everything would be fixed if I had them

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I dont understand how can I love people so much

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But be so alone

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And

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I'm scared

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I only have 2 years of high school left

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I font make friends there

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Where else?

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Will I have to resign to have a shitty life

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I dont want that

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I need to change fast

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My whole being

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I have to be better

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I know that I have to abandon everything I am right now

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But is fine

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I don't like it anyway

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Tomorrow will be better

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Or maybe not

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I dont want to go to shool

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I dont want to feel bad about myself again

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I know that if I try I can get friends easily

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but

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Is so hard

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To talk

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To approach

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And everytime I see people having a good time togheter

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As a group

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I hear voices saying that I'm not meant to have that

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That im meant to be alone forever

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I hate it

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I hate my brain

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Therapy foenst work

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How do I even explain this feeling

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I'm the only one that can understand this

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and fix it

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but I wish I wasn't alone

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I wish it was more simple

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I wish I had more simpler, common problems

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So I could actually get help

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but no

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ofc not

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Everything has to be harder for me

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EVERYTHINF

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i need

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I need to be loved

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but if I don't even love myself

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Who will

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There's so many things to fix about myself

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I dont even know where to start

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I really thought I made progress

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But a simple thing can trigger a whole breakdown

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how can my mind be so weak

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What will I do when im an adult

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I really wonder

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because

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My life is pretty easy, depressing, but easy

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I dont got responsibilities

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I dont got

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IdK

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Any """real""" problems

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besides my own head

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But what when I do have bigger problems

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I would literally ||pull the trigger|| at the first bad thing

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how do you even fix this

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I cant be this emotional

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This sensitive

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I just cant

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I need relief

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I need to feel at peace

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I need somethinf that will give me happiness at least for a moment

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But there's nothing now

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The only thing that comforts me

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Is fantasizing about ||sujcide||

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but im not gonna do it

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There's still hope

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But I keep having this bad moments

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I keep breaking down

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At anything

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I dont know why

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im like glass

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I break so easily

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How could anyone want me

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Do I even have anything else to offer

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Other than

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Suffering

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No

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how could I have anything if my whole life has been about suffering constantly

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and at some point

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I liked it

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I liked feeling bad

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I liked feeling alone

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Even if it was painful

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it comforted me

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I just wanted to go deeper

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until

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I got no other choice but to ||die||

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I dont know what was wrong with me

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Thankfully I'm much better now

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Still sad

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But

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I want to live

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And get better

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And I didn't have this before

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so I guess I did made some progress

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LMFAO I already sent 500 messages

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and all of them are negative

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Crazy

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but i do feel better

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is like someone was hearing me

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without actually having to bother anyone

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is great

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Much better than talking to myself

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This really was supposed to be a way of tracking what I do in the day

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But oh well

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I turned it into a

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a huge vent

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Ill just delete it later

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And try again

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But im glad I did this

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Im glad I could get this stuff out of me

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can you even delete this whole thing? Idk

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I hope so

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Because is really embarrassing

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I mean nobody would take the time to read this fully

blazing jungle
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I did

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I've been reading it continuously

strange viper
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omg

blazing jungle
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:3

strange viper
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the whole time

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I have been writing this shit

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😟

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man I can't be like this

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i can't live like this

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but it feels like is too late

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I know is not

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AAAAAAihateit

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I hate it very much

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i dont know who the hell i am

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or what i am

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behind all this

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sadness

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idk if im even something

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maybe im nothinf

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i seriously have to start living my life

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not my head

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my head is not well

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is not a good place to be

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i want to be more present

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I would like to stop overthunkinf everytbinf

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I would like to be NORMAL

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WY CANT I BE NORMAL

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WHAT WENT WEONG

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is like im a background character

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Is like I didnt exist

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besides my own perspective

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I want to be someone

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I want to be a winner

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Like everyone ekse

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I dont know if is possible

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in this lifetime

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is like i had been doomed since birth

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is like someone put a spell on my to fail in every area of life

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I shouldnt feel like this

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Some people have it so much worse

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But arent complaining like me

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I wish i was a fish

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no thoughts

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just 🐟

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sjsmwjsn

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I hate my life

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So much

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aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAaqq

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I hope theres a reason for all this suffering

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I hope i end up having a good life

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I wont give up

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But oh man

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I want to

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I wish I didn't care so much

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I wish I was more relaxed

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I wish I wish I wish

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All I do is wish

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But what the frick van I do to actually make a change

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I dont know

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I really don't know myself

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I don't know anything about myself

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I dontknow my favorite color

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I dont

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I dont know

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Because everybinf that goes thru my head is negative stuff

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I need a lobotomy

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Or a shot

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I feel so much better

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I thunk

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I know it will come back

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It always does

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But maybe eventually

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This will stop

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I will be finally happy

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and all of this

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Everything I am rn

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Will be gone

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This constant suffering will be over

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I know that

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That's why im still living

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I literally dont hace any reason to live

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Besides the hope that is gonna be okay

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but I have to take action

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I have to go to the root of all this

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But I don't know what it is

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Maybe I hit my head when i was a newborn

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And stayed fckin stupid

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I dont know

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I just want this to be over

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Please

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I really should take a break from my phone

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Because

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it would give me a space to think

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And self reflect

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What the hell I have to do to get better

blazing jungle
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Then do it babe

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I support you

strange viper
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Thank you love

blazing jungle
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🙂

strange viper
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maybe I should start meditatinf

blazing jungle
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Yes

strange viper
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but

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I get bored easily

blazing jungle
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Medication can very much help you stabilize and get your own thoughts under control

strange viper
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There's something deeper that's wrong with me

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I just don't know what

blazing jungle
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I understand

strange viper
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I wish I could

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idk

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I wish I could change

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um I keep repeating myself but whatever

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I need to get all the negativity out of me

blazing jungle
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It's ok babe, let it all out

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I'll be spectating still 🙂

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I'm here if you need me

strange viper
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Thank you

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So much

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I feel numb

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is so much better

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than being constantly

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feeling

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Every little thing

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Like it was the worst

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Is so overwhelming

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I'm so fragile

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there's not a single positive trait in my being

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I'm a coward

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I'm sad

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I'm bored

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I'm shy

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Im

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Everything

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That's bad

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Or maybe that's only what I can see of myself

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Theres probably much more

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I probably have a personality under all these dark feelings

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Sometimes I wish I had ||died|| when I had the chance

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but I coudlnt do it

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I couldnt die

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and

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nobody knows it

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Nobody knows how much I struggle

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Everyone in my life sees me as a background character

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I dont show anything

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and for that reason nobody cares

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My parents would never understand this

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and I really don't got anyone else irl besides my parents

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All my other family members don't care

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And is fine

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Becayse I don't care eithrr

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My parents think is puberty

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but it can't be

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Because that way all my classmates would be like me

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Is not that

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I need them to take me seriosuly

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but they wont

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is fine

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Is fine

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ill try everything i can

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to live better

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and if I cant make any progress

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I will just give up

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But I will actually try this time

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ill have to get out of my shell

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and see the real word

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I'm scared of the real word

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fck

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Why did I have to be me

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Why couldn't I be born as someone else

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I'm so envy

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Of everyone

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The good thinf

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Is that

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When positive things finally happen to me

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I'm gonna feel very very happy

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Because it would be different and new

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From all this

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I really miss my childhood

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I miss when my mom loved me

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I just keep disappointing her

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I miss when I was happy

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I didn't have much friends in my childhood either

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But I had 2 or 3

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and I didn't care about it either

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Because I was happy

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I think it all started in 2020

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idk if it was the lockdown

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Or what

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But from that year

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I just been going downhill

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I just hope my sister doenst go through this

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I hope shes able to have friends and happiness

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Nobody deserves to feel this way

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I dont know what I did

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To deserve it

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Or maybe I caused it myself

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I have so much potential hidden

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I know that

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It kinda excites me to think

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How far I could go

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If I tried to get better

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But I just keep fantasizing about it

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Instead of taking the first step

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and what the first step? Idk

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maybe stop overreacting

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But I cant control that

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I cant control my emotions

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They control me

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if ure still reading this

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can u tell me that everything will be fine

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please

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Okay I'll tell myself

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Everything will be fine