inner hinge
I was hoping that someone here would listen to my problem:
There is this place where I go to practice a hobby of mine. I enjoyed it from the bottom of my heart. After a couple of months I got introduced into a friend group there, consisting of the very best of our craft. All men who are older than me. At first it felt like an honor because it was a VIP friend group and I soon found myself going to that place not for doing what I love but for the validation of these men. I liked it when they commented positively about my performance but when I lost, they would ignore me. This way I went into a spiral that made me lose over and over again and the consequences where severe. I developed panic attacks and imposter syndrome. Not knowing what to do, I decided to not sell my skills anymore... but myself instead. I started dressing uncomfortably and talking softly. This way I kept losing and my confidence decreased but I finally had the attention I seeked. I realized that this seduction is nothing lasting and only hiding the real issue here. I started going to that place less and hating my hobby. The leader of the group who originally approached me because he was impressed with my performance started to turn his back. They are still friendly with me but I can feel that they see me as this stupid pretty woman who is there to people please and entertain. I began distrusting myself. I started to question whether the times that I won were because of luck and I am actually bad at it and should stop doing it.
My desire to be liked and dependency on (male) validation destroyed me.
I want to find my joy in my craft again and give myself the compliments and enjoy the game even when I'm alone. I'll figure it out. I always do.
I just don't know how I can get my passion back, destroyed by my pride and ego and me, trying to prove myself to a bunch of narcissists.
Thank you for reading this story. I just wanted to relieve my burden. Feel free to share your thoughts.
fluid plinth