disgusting urge (Trigger warning incase)

[meager spear]

I don't know why I feel like this but I have been feeling like this for years and I growing tired of it, no matter what I do it always comes back and it's exhausting because I fear one day I will actually let myself go and give into it. I have been trying to get better, ignore the sadness I have even though its nearly impossible too since it always comes back even when I'm having so much fun it just won't leave me alone. I genuinely want to get better be a better person and feel good about myself but something in my heart aches and craves to get worse, to just lay in my bed all day not talking to anyone and just sleep the days away until I get so sick due to ignoring all my needs and get rushed to the hospital to just pass away. This thought disgust me so much because I know there's nothing wrong with me and that I'm making it all up but I just can't help it I want to go back to when I was at my lowest but I know it's wrong of me to think that since other people genuinely need help while I'm over here faking it for attention. I just don't know what to do since the urge is growing each day, it's coming and soon I will give in.
I wanna thow up.

If there are grammar mistakes sorry I won't fix em since I'm too lazy🙁

disgusting urge (Trigger warning incase)

[compact finch]

its not fake

its real okay

i understand im in the same boat

[meager spear]

Idk I just feel as if it is since I can do things normally without any problems its just the fact that I can't shake of this feeling

[compact finch]

thats suicidal depression for ya

[meager spear]

😔

[compact finch]

ive got it to

[meager spear]

I hate this

I feel so sick

It pains me

[olive sluice]

I understand the feeling

Still happened to me yesterday

[olive sluice]

I found the solution to your problems
I've been facing the same for a while now
And yesterday and today it seems to be more frequent

All you have to do is
Stay away from negativity feeds

Like depression memes and videos and stuff

[meager spear]

I try to

[olive sluice]

You must do beyond try

Or you will die

[meager spear]

I mainly go out for a walk

[olive sluice]

Neither do i

Just start doing more fun stuff from now on
So you won't go back to anything that reminds you of depression

Else one day you will give in to the dark fantasy of wanting to live a tragic life till you die a miserable death

And unfortunately it feels and looks so tempting too

Like you actually want it to happen to you

[meager spear]

Oh okay then

I will try and be more productive

And do things that made me happy

[slim harness]

I think the biggest way to combat this is setting and sticking to a decent and non negotiable sleep schedule. One where you try to go to bed around the same time every night, but no matter what, wake up at the same time every day. There may be some exceptions like if you have to wake up early then normal or if you haven’t slept a wink the whole night. However in my experience it’s better to suffer through the day with 4 hours of sleep a couple times, then to constantly being staying up too late and compensating by waking up late as well