i don't really know how to describe it, i feel bad, bad as hell and the thing is that it got way too bad earlier and i want to end it it's just too much. I wanna die, i wanna kill myself, as soon as i just get sure of it but i can't accept to surrender that easy even though it's not easy in fact, im tired, i feel lonely, always sad and i used to get angry for small things but now i don't even say anything, i don't have the strength to do so. I just keep crying and crying and crying and making mistakes over and over again, everything's wrong. Even my mom told me i was mistake, my gf seems to be away and i need her back but i don't know if i should continue waiting or im just overreacting but i need her back.
#I don't know but i can't do it anymore
vestal ridge
okay this is chaotic
erm
i don't know where to start but ig i'll just start talking about how i feel if i can
first, i wanna die, i hate myself, how i am, my life and how it's going on, i regret that i didn't do it already even though i already tried once and almost tried multiple times but im not sure i wanna do it tho, even though i wanna do it, idk if it's logical... cuz i don't wanna surrender that easy and i have projects, with my life, my girlfriend, i wanna make her my wife but im so instable that i just f*cked up a lot of things because of that and how i am. I feel bad all the time, i have insomnia because of that i think, tbh, as long as i can remember i've always had sleep issues but it got worse these days. I feel lonely too, like if i'm alone in this sh^t i want to get better but i can't there's always bad things happening, all my pets died my mom decided that i was a failure and that she was gonna treat me like i deserve, i guess i deserve all that happened to me, i'm just a human garbage and i think i should kms there's nothing more here for me, but a part of me still thinks i should stay, i have so much things to discover and i don't wanna leave my girlfriend like that, i love her so much and she's been going through a lot because of me too cuz i just can't get better.
i don't really know what else to say
i guess i should talk about my mom
she just treats me bad for some reason, since she's been though bad times 3 years ago, she considers that she's the only one in pain so she makes me feel even more pain, she hits for no reason, refuses to listen to me or to even try to uderstand me, she doesn't even consider me as a human being at this point, it's tiring, she gave up on educating my little sister who's getting out of control and it's really bad actually... i can't find the words or the right things to say to describe the situation and whenever i talk about it i just feel ridicule cuz i feel like i should just shut up and stop overreacting, but i don't think i am...
vestal ridge
I made a choice and i decided to do it in June, the 30th. I don't really know why i chose that day in particular, maybe just cuz it's around the last days of school idk. I just don't know what else to do i keep being a burden for my girlfriend and i don't want to annoy her more than what i already did, i love her and i wanna give her an opportunity to get rid of me. It got too much, that feeling of loneliness is just constant and it's unbearable, i'm tired of it i feel alone in this sh^t and i think i'll have 2 main regrets : not being able to play the elder scrolls 6 if it ever comes out and having been a failure to my mom and a burden for my girlfriend when she just can't carry it. I'm sorry my love, i love you but i just don't want to keep you from happiness for too long.
summer owl
i know it seems like you’re a burden for everyone, but that’s just not true. with your mom, her actions and how she treats you doesn’t reflect on you. she chooses to treat you that way and that’s her problem to work on. with how you feel about your girlfriend, you are not a burden. if she cares about you, letting her in on your problems will be something she wants to hear and wants to help you with. life can feel like it’s never going to get better, but moving out can be a new beginning and give you a weight off your shoulders in terms of your mom. removing yourself from that situation will make things better 100%. if your girlfriend cares about you, she will want to help you with how you feel, not feel annoyed by it. you are not a failure, you have a purpose even if you don’t know what it is yet. there are so many reasons to stay, and if you need to talk, my dm’s are open ❤️
vestal ridge
i know it seems like you’re a burden for everyone, but that’s just not true. wit...
i don't what to say, thank you but i don't see how am i not a burden for her, i'm always crying and complaining about things that happen to me or things she did, the situation we've been through (posted it on relationships) and i'm always putting me down abd it annoys her she told me it does. I don't know if she cares as much as she used to and if it's not the case anymore, it's my fault, it always is and always has been i don't know what to do anymore and my gf doesn't really help me... so it just gets worse she tries to but she doesn't have to patience anymore it's my fault i just get too much i just hate myself it's one of the reasons i wanna die, im tired of disappointing everyone, im tired of always feeling like shit, im tired for crying and crying over and over again because i feel so lonely i can't sleep. I'm tired of feeling so bad that i get sick. Im tired of having this so called mom that turns everything against me and basically told me i was an accident, im tired of not having a f*cking dad, im tired of me not being able to express things well, im tired of being such a mf that i can't even find motivation to take my responsabilities or work, i'm tired, and i got enough of it
oh yeah, and i became so fucking insecure too that's crazy
vestal ridge
I keep being unmotivated that's crazy
vestal ridge
there's no way to describe how i feel it's just bad that's all i know, words doesn't work in this case. I wanna die but i still give myself a chance to get help before i do anything stupid. Whenever things seem to get better, something bad happens right after, that's crazy.
vestal ridge
my girlfriend found a solution to make me stay alive
she said : "if you die i die"
so im not dying
vestal ridge
lowkey wanna disappear rn
vestal ridge
i don't think even that would work, if i get to feel too bad, im scared i'd do it anyway
vestal ridge
Almost killed myself yesterday, my friends stopped me. I regret trying
vestal ridge
it's only been 4 days but feel like it has been weeks, i left my girlfriend an i've never felt so bad, it's crazy cuz 've done everything i could, ive tried my best but it didnt work. I still love her so much and it hurts too much. I need to keep trying to get better i can't give up on my life, my friends are counting on me and i also can't inflict that to my siblings, they liked my ex-girlfriend and i can't inflict that to them, what kind of example would it be. Doesn't mean that i don't wanna do it tho like fuck it hurts i just hope i wake from this stupid nightmare.
vestal ridge
i wanna do an overdose
vestal ridge
i feel so lonely, even more than before