Hey! My name is Tyson and I'm 16M, and I'm starting to reach of point of self despair so deep that I'm gaining strong feelings towards wanting to end my life. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts and depression coming up on about 8 years. As I got older I gradually built up the courage to tell more people in my life about my feelings but l'm so lonely and isolated from everyone I know, I honestly would be fine being the asshole at the end of the stick who ended it all because it got too hard. I think the biggest key factor on what made it worse was an ex of mine that I desperately hurt because of the hate that I had for myself and just having no love for anything but her so losing it made it all hit back @ me 10 times harder. I have much more self responsibility than the average teenager and I always tend to depend on myself but l'm not a very dependable person, in all honesty it can be a dread hanging around a person who has no goals or feels like they don't have any purpose, while friends and family have reminded on numerous occasions to stop isolating myself from the world and that there are people there for you, I just feel like my life has become so worthless I would feel most happy if it were over. Talking to people abt these things never works out and honestly it probably will never, i just need advice like there's so many more things in my life i wanna try to improve for myself but this hole of worthless l've carried in my stomach is so long l'm thinking abt just running away and ending it all. No person caused this and i can honestly say I love the people in my life but I just can't do it anymore and I don't know how a person with no self worth or ha" even respect can do better for themselves whe v they don't even like their self. I don't wanna just have it all come to end because it can be quite scary but idk what to do from here and this pain from just life being too hard to bare at my young age I can’t do it no more
#too lost to know where to start nd wanna end it all
subtle locust
mint tangle
Hey Tyson. Have you expressed these feelings of wanting to end it all specifically to others?
subtle locust
Not entirely no, when I expressed to loved ones how I felt there was a dispute that caused me to be strapped to a hospital bed for a few hours, this event made me never want to discuss my thoughts to such a extent, my family, not hate to them ofc I know they try, arent very good support workers and neither are my friends tbh so it does get hard but I partially have myself to blame for that
mint tangle
My girlfriend went through exactly what you described. She ended up going through with it. She felt the same way and hated that her words enticed me to get her help.
On the other end of the stick, I wish she screamed for help. I didn’t know how to handle the situation or assist her. It’s a tough thing to help someone in your scenario as we can’t begin to fathom or understand. Maybe we just don’t know how bad it really is.
This is a low point. Don’t let it win. Life is special and the good times are worth it.
Please reach out to people. And if you ever find yourself in the position you’re about to take action. Please call someone. The pain of your loss will be unreal. You are worth something and you matter. If you can’t find the validation now. You’ll find it in the future. Just keep giving them a chance to be of help. I wish I had mine
subtle locust
It took a lot for me to come to this place to express this but the hardest part is it is always getting worse than when I started, my relationship ending was not the root cause of this but it truly set into reality that you can’t love someone if you don’t love yourself, and I went on self improvement journeys…multiple times failing so badly and feeling so broken that there was this constant pain in my heart of being broken, life crumbling apart and not knowing how to fix it, I’m trying to care, but I can’t give myself the grace to improve and give myself the worth I owe if i fall with no where to go, I tried this I tried that, all the ups and downs just don’t work anymore and the cost of actually allowing people to know your broken has only brought me more anguish than anything
I lost a old friend a lil while ago the same way I’m sorry that happened to your girlfriend
love is a pretty powerful thing
mint tangle
Do you feel that you don’t want help?
When I was younger I was admitted into a behavioral center (can be considered a suicide prevention center). At your age you can tell authorities you’re a danger to yourself and get admitted (won’t cost anyone anything). Being around people with similar issues, feeling heard, and bonding over it can help out. They’ll provide therapy and people to guide you through a rough time like this
subtle locust
No I refuse I’ve already had small experiences for something like that it is entirely too stressful and too draining to ever wanna go through that again, also my family wouldn’t be able to handle it
mint tangle
Your family wouldn’t be able to handle that situation?
mint tangle
It may vary by state. But the government usually covers it for people your age
subtle locust
Your family wouldn’t be able to handle that situation?
I haven’t been expressing these thoughts entirely and have kinda been masquerading a sense of happiness lately if I start again my mother would likely be more upset than a courageous support dummy
subtle locust
It may vary by state. But the government usually covers it for people your age
No, I just can’t do that again
mint tangle
I haven’t been expressing these thoughts entirely and have kinda been masqueradi...
I understand. Sometimes the people around us aren’t equipped to handle or feel what you’re going through.
What do you think would make you not worthless in your eyes?
subtle locust
well like I’ve said I’ve been feeling this way for a really long time and I just keep dragging my feet through the sand and have so much less power and control over my emotions the worse it gets, give a teenage boy that hasn’t really allowed themselves to build and depend on others even more time to reflect on themselves and see nothing come out of that relationship but hate itll honestly drive you crazy and isolate you even more from others which is honestly the most surprising thing I’ve learned through this experience
mint tangle
Is there anything in particular that gets your emotions riled up?
subtle locust
my life has become a recent reflection of my mental health as shown thru my grades and room and just being so drained and unable to really focus on anything that has any meaning in any typical persons daily norms, I’ve seen things that I once considered so graciously important and big priorities in everyday things that I have just lost the passion or even patience for, a while ago I played video games with my friends and expressed toxic energy over things of such little importance and expressed my thoughts out of it being disingenuous and not of any importance at all and apologized for my rudeness and destructive behavior over something so small and they told me they notice it all the time but they know how nice of a person I can be and I always think abt how that person will probably never be me again and it’s scary, and I just think and think and think til i eventually just ghost everybody and the cycle repeats itself
mint tangle
Yup. You’re in a tough spot. Trying to pick yourself up from this feels impossible. The fact you recognized and took responsibility for your actions was very mature. I’ve done the exact same thing when playing games with friends as well. Do you worry you’ll do the same if you play with them again?
subtle locust
No it’s not that specifically I was just using that as a example, I just can’t express feelings of positivity or gratitude how I once had because of the toxic energy and pain I’ve inflicted on myself, I can recognize and understand everything I’m going thru but it doesn’t take away from the fact that I can’t move on thru this pain by myself but I also can’t rely on others so it makes me feel helpless enough to just curl up and do nothing and I’m aware it’ll just everything worse but I’m so far stuck in my head I can’t rely on my free will to help improve upon myself it would honestly take a miracle
mint tangle
It probably would take a miracle to do it alone. You’ll have to rely on others. Even if you feel that you can’t. People are stronger together
subtle locust
I already have built expectations and hell experiences from doing that, I can’t really expect good to come from, in my case, a fully expected negative outcome
mint tangle
I’m sorry it’s tough. If you’ve exhausted all your connections, new ones might help.
subtle locust
I’ve tried a lot I’ve had so many long journeys conversations and thoughts on the best course of action to become the best person i can become for me and me only, prioritizing myself over others has NEVER been like me but everytime I try to climb the mountain I keep falling and the irritation of just trying to fix it is too much of a nuisance regardless of what I try to do, my life is a mess and I only have myself to blame
mint tangle
Don’t feel bad for prioritizing yourself. Happiness and getting where you want to be is your birthright. Who cares if it’s a nuisance. Make them share the burden of what is life.
subtle locust
I’m not I’m saying when I try it doesn’t work out well
mint tangle
I know. I’m saying don’t give up and worry about yourself more than them.
subtle locust
i play a lot of games and I tend to try to get all of the achievements for these games, it’s fun entertaining and it’s one of my best hobbies. I have a lot of experiences with hard challenges that I feel like I can’t get past. And no I’m not saying my life is a video game but every single outcome has resulted in essentially a game over try again and I’m exhausted
mint tangle
What games do you play?
subtle locust
I’m a trophy hunter so I play essentially anything that has a list I want to accomplish but my favorites would be the last of us and persons 5, on most occasions I play sports games like with the nba nfl and college football etc. gaming is what i consider to be the only time I take enjoyment in my own peace away from the rest of the world and it does have the negative effect of making me lackadaisical and slouchy same for smoking weed but it gives me peace of mind
mint tangle
That’s good. I’m glad you still have an outlet to enjoy yourself. Escaping into other things is a great way to forget about what’s going on for a bit.
subtle locust
mhm