#Invasive thoughts, depression, and attention seeking

7 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

long spruce
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TL;DR Plagued by invasive thoughts, constant small depression, and seem to have convinced myself that I’m faking it all for attention. Can’t tell parents or they’ll be broken apart

I have diagnosed depression and ADHD. These issues have been active since I was around 10 or so (I’m 18 now). I tried to kill myself when I was around 12 or 13. Took a bunch of melatonin which didn’t end up doing anything at all. It nearly destroyed my parents. My parents are very very good to me and everyone else on earth. I don’t want to tell them about all this because I don’t want to cause them all of that pain and worry. I seemed to get better for good at around 15-16 though.

In the past 6 or so months I’ve started having intrusive thoughts. The best way to describe them is that my brain is choosing the thoughts that cause me the most pain and forcing them behind my eyes. These have only been getting more frequent and realistic as time goes on despite talking with my beloved therapist of 2 1/3 years. When they hit, it’s debilitating and somewhat physically paralyzing.
The other big issue is my depression is acting up again. I’m on vacation in Hawaii right now, and I’m still depressed somehow. Depression is just irrational like that I guess. It just bothers me because I’m dragging down my friends and family who just want to have a fun vacation.

The worst part about all this is that I don’t know if I’m actually mentally ill at all. When I was younger I thought mental health issues were “cool” or would make me “stand out”. So I think what happened is that I tricked my brain into being depressed. Ever since then I feel like every new mental health issue is something I’ve done to myself. It makes me feel like I’m faking everything that’s wrong with me for attention. It makes me doubt the validity of my own mind.

My DMs are open if you’d like to talk about this or games or something.

safe lantern
long spruce
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Well I appreciate that but it feels like I do it because I want to create an interesting narrative for my life if that makes sense. At times I will literally think to myself “I would be much cooler if I had say schizophrenia. I wonder how I could fake that.” Then I started to have intrusive thoughts a day or so after.

safe lantern
long spruce
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Scared and unsure of the validity of my own mind and emotions

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Subhuman as well

safe lantern
# long spruce Scared and unsure of the validity of my own mind and emotions

Well here is the thing. If we want to fake something, it is because we are feeling VERY bad and need to be taken serious. So we think about saying something "obvious" so it is clear to people that we need help.
Problem with suffering from depression is that it is often a very debilitating long term illness, and some patients tend to get "parked". They are told "it needs to take its time" etc. This can make us desperate, cause we can´t deal with feeling bad anymore, and we feel like when we ask for help we are ignored or overlooked.
So your current state is as valid as any other. You are as human as everybody else.