#Relationship causing severe anxiety/stress. What do I do?

15 messages · Page 1 of 1 (latest)

stuck yew
#

So I just need some advice here because I don't know what to do. I've been dating this girl for about 4 months and in mid-december, we went back home for winter break. She lives 800 miles away from me so we've been doing "long-distance" for about 2 weeks now with 2 more weeks to go. She's a medical student so she's usually busy from dawn to dusk. But here's my problem...

Over these last couple weeks, I've just gotten the sensation that she doesn't want to talk to me. She'll leave me on delivered for almost the entire day, then I may get to Facetime her once a day if she doesn't say she's too tired by the end of her studies. When she leaves me on delivered or opened/read all day, I just get a flood of negative thoughts like she's cheating or not into me anymore or worse, but I know deep down she's just busy studying. Then I'll facetime and she acts like everything is fine.

How do I get past this anxiety? It's honestly just ruining my days overthinking about every single aspect. I've brought up the fact that I wish she would text or call more often but she just gets defensive saying she's too busy studying to do that. Yet, she can still hang out with her friends, go shopping, etc. We share locations so I'll check in every once and awhile and she'll be out doing something besides studying.

I just feel like she could take a little time out of her day to talk to me more frequently yet she doesn't. I don't know what to do. Any thoughts, advice? Anyone experienced this before?

#

Relationship causing severe anxiety/stress. What do I do?

azure breach
#

Hi, just a little piece if advice. I sincerely hope it’s helpful. Sometimes the right advice isn’t what you want to hear because it might be a tough pill to swallow.

If you already had a heart to heart and clearly communicated your needs and she’s not giving any kind of effort then i personally don’t think it’s going anywhere man. I do feel for you and it sucks.

Remember one other thing, there’s TWO people in a relationship. You should always prioritize yourself and not let the relationship stress you out to where it’s causing severe anxiety and stress. All that can lead to worse symptoms that can turn physical. So please if anything love yourself. I have no idea who you are, but you are a valuable individual. I’m speaking from the heart here because I got out of a relationship that caused me sever anxiety and stress.

stuck yew
# azure breach Hi, just a little piece if advice. I sincerely hope it’s helpful. Sometimes the ...

Thank you for your kind message. I agree... it's a hard pill to swallow and I've been contemplating swallowing it for days. I think the only thing holding me back is the fact that we're long distance for only 2 more weeks, and I feel like things might get back to normal once we're in person again.

A little more personal here, I just found out I have an anxious attachment style, and I think it may be why I stress so much. I seek constant reassurance and when she's unavailable all day it makes me spiral.

At this point, does it sound like I need to work on myself and my insecurities or my relationship? What is nothing is wrong and I'm over reacting?

Ugh, this long distance crap sucks.

azure breach
#

Long distance absolutely sucks. Especially if you’re an anxious attatchment style partner.

stuck yew
# azure breach Long distance absolutely sucks. Especially if you’re an anxious attatchment styl...

Back to your main point, I haven't exactly expressed how her lack of communication is making me feel this way for fear of coming off as clingy. I've light-heartedly suggested that she doesn't call/text enough. Obviously she doesn't have the same attachment style as me. In your experience, do you think that telling her how not communicating makes me feel is the right move, or should I just keep letting her reach out first?

I'm 21 years old and yet this is only my second relationship so a lot of things are brand new to me. I know that making it seem like your life is just fine without them makes them chase harder (hense letting her do the work to reach out), but that was the game plan before we started dating. Idk if that plan works after you make her your girlfriend.

stuck yew
azure breach
# stuck yew Back to your main point, I haven't exactly expressed how her lack of communicati...

Man I’m 25 and have been in only 3. So I’m right there with you. But I’ve experienced hell with the two recent ones. My second one I got married to and ended in divorce. I felt like I was always chasing and asking begging for attention. I found myself buying things for us to do together. (Even if it wasn’t something I was into. I was desperate and could feel the relationship deteriorating)

After that relationship I told myself I’d find someone who’d value me and me time. The thing is I never gave myself time to be single. I jumped from one relationship to another. I had no idea I was broken. She was broken too. But she got scared and over thought when I was at work and wasn’t able to text her. So much that she actually drove to work and I had to walk outside to console her. It was super toxic. I’ve been single now almost 3 months and it’s lonely.

I’m like you in a way where I’ve got good moments of self worth but it doesn’t take much to bring it down. So I 100% understand and sympathize for you.

What I’ve learned from only having 3 relationships is the following: find someone who shares your same morals, find someone who is emotionally, physically and mentally healthy (you need to be that too) communication and trust is paramount. As soon as you start disregarding your morals and what’s important to YOU, it all starts to go downhill and you lose sight of yourself.

So communication. Be direct about it, the light hearted approach (I’m guessing here) is a result of her trying to defend herself. And in turn that invalidates your feelings. Let me tell you what you’re feeling isn’t wrong. You probably don’t feel like you’re being valued. So be firm and direct. Don’t leave anything up to interpretation. Try to make it to where she can put herself in your shoes. Ask something along the lines of “how would you feel if the person you loved didn’t give you the time of day.” And with that you’d tell her that you understand she’s busy as well, but if she’s got time to

#

Shop and hangout with friends, then she can make time for you as well.

#

Also the whole letting them chase you is kinda meh. It shouldn’t be like you’re baiting them. If they don’t want to put in the effort then it’s not gonna work. It takes TWO to make a relationship work. It cannot be 0/100. it takes 50/50.

stuck yew
azure breach
#

Of course. Really hope it goes well. Stay calm cool and collected. Keep it respectful. Put yourself in her shoes too! Ensure both parties are understood and everyone’s needs are met.

If she’s continues to just defend herself then let it be. Wish you the best of luck.

#

Spooderman deserves to be loved.

stuck yew
#

Hey @azure breach, just wanted to let you know I ended it with her. Had a very thorough conversation with her and realized that I don’t need her negativity in my life. Took your words to heart and you’re right… I need to find someone who values me and my time. It was a tough decision but ultimately I think I’ll be happy that I made it. Thanks again.