I'll put a possible TW just in case (for now it's just ||suicidal thoughts||. It may possibly escalate but for now we chill.
Update: Another tw i forgot to mention: ||self harm||. May have to warn you to read at your discretion.
#I have completely lost hope now, but anyways this is a journal.
gilded thicket
January 2, 2025
I'm not doing so great. I just lost my one and only remaining close friend. They decided to unfriend me right this New Year, and I kinda just completely died inside. I'm still not over it. Honestly, this is the second time I've ever had a deep bond like no other, although this one was different. Idk why but this breakup doesn't hurt any less even though it's second time. I kinda just lost the complete will to finish my pendings for univ. It feels so pathetic of me to do. Maybe it's not a big deal to them or anyone, but even the smallest actions can really hurt. That small action really hurt. I just want to die right now honestly, and I hate feeling so pathetic. I don't have anymore other friends, and my social anxiety makes it very difficult for me to interact with anyone or keep a relationship with anyone because I don't know to socialize correctly :(. So having someone I felt so comfortable to talk to and be chill with was such a rare feeling and a complete breath of relief. I just feel completely alone now, and I hate to admit it, but I've done nothing but just stare off into the distance the whole day and cry quietly cause I can't properly crash out. I don't even know how to crash out correctly for fucks sakes. I can't do anything right. Even until now, I still feel like shit.
This past few months I was honestly pretty dead inside and didn't have as much energy and motivation as I used to. Now, I just honestly don't give a shit anymore.
Christmas was already boring and honestly sucked since I spent the whole day alone in my room just focusing more on doing my pendings (but failing to focus), but it was honestly fine since I got to just chill with them online.
New Year's Eve was plain mid. Neither one of us talked to each other much day, and even though I tried to relax, I just ended up spending the whole time worrying about plates in my head. I was even more worried for them, since they didn't really talk to me much that day (and they were usually very talkative and always followed up messages), but I was honestly not so responsive or didn't let myself be too bothered since I was honestly just too drained. I just found out right yesterday that they just unfriended me. I don't know I'm probably making this too much a big deal, maybe it should be a smaller thing, and I shouldn't care about it as much. Not sure why this small action feels like such a stab in the heart, but that honestly just became my last straw. I don't really care anymore now.
I'm so tired.
wet axle
hey man
i understand where you're coming from
that's tough
regarding your friend
friends come and go like seasons
some stay for time whilst others come and go
they don't last forever
but a precious few will hold on in your heart
you're not making any big deal
gilded thicket
that's true
but for now, I can't stop feeling the pain
I'll become okay eventually probably
but right now, I just feel hopeless honestly
there's no point
wet axle
i see
gilded thicket
thank you
gilded thicket
January 3, 2025
I feel nothing today. My emotions has easily died down after my whole silly depressive episode, and I don't feel any emotion, I don't feel sadness or anger. I guess that's not that bad, but I have been low on energy the whole day. Must be because I haven't slept for three days in a row now.
I've been putting my whole focus on just plates (though constantly getting distracted by anything in my environment and forgetting to focus).
Sleep seems to have become quite difficult to have these days. I've been constantly low on energy, but my body mostly rejects sleep nowadays. Sometimes, I do end up passing out for a few hours randomly and that's probably enough,
I find that passing out on my room's floor instead of my bed has become a lot more normal now. The floor is just plain cold, hard, and uncomfortable, but I find myself preferring to just remain there instead of my own bed. This is honestly pretty dumb and kinda funny but sometimes, I just like to lay down even when I don't feel like passing out, and pretend I'm just bleeding out and dying while I stare at the ceiling either in silence or while I just have music blasting out in my earphones.
It's been months since I've last done sh, and I've been trying to just resist the temptation again. Honestly, it's usually more like a thought that crosses my head that I manage to not really go through almost everytime. I don't think it's that bad. Last year, I've only hurt myself twice, although I'd say the method leaves scars for quite an unfavorable amount of time. It's been over half a year now but the scars are still here. I used to draw over them usually with my henna to cover them up. My interest in art honestly quite helps out a lot sometimes, even though now I pretty much completely detest the idea of even holding a pencil and no longer have any passion for it.
Now, I just leave them alone. To be honest, I think I've been doing a pretty good job of acting normal irl.. Either that, or I've chosen a better method of sh. Nobody suspects a thing nor notices them, even when they're plain in sight. Everybody just assumes they're a result of allergies or a dumb accident in the kitchen, which is no surprise for someone like me.
oh i keep branching out and changing topics
woops
anyways
Right now, I was just finishing up my plates. Not sure if I can finish it in time, considering the final deadline is only until tonight within this day. I'm probably done for. But, still it was pretty peaceful today. It was nothing but just me alone in complete silence again. I deactivated my accounts on facebook and messenger too, which is honestly the only accounts I've been more on openly social with my irl self. All other socials are more on honestly just for watching and brainrotting, and I'm more on anonymous on those, so I'm kinda just chilling today. Not sure how I'm supposed to feel but oh well. I got distracted just decided to open dc a bit and write down a bit in the journal. I expected to write down a little, but seems my mind had a lot more to say. Well, anyways ciao for now. I'll be writing again whenever I feel like it.
wet axle
January 3, 2025
I feel nothing today. My emotions has easily died down after my ...
so like would you say you've gone numb?
i understand that man
that's tough
but hey
you can never go below rock bottom
define success. define yourself. when you achieve success, all your flaws will be overlooked
gilded thicket
I'm back
I feel like I'm dying again
I feel like I fucking relapsed
lots of things happened in the meanwhile
January 13 or something, it was the day of our enrollment. I was quite fine seeing him initially but I found out that in the meanwhile he reconnected with an ex situationship
that fucked me over
but I continued acting fine with the two of them, most especially the ex situationship because they had no fault, although truthfully I knew it wasn't the best decision on their part to allow the reconnection considering the amount of pain they had gone through with him as well. I'd know that too
I'll call the ex situationship V and the guy S
not sure why
but I was still also okay talking to him for the next two days until i ended up rethinking back to New Year's Eve, when S unfriended me
I ended up losing it and ended up going no contact with everyone for a week, which was pretty much the entire amount of days left before the next semester was about to begin again
I informed him though beforehand that I was going to disappear but not with a clear explanation, which was a fault on my part
I only told him that I was going to disappear because I was so angry and drained but never clarified that he was the reason for it
he was trying to contact me about it honestly but I couldn't answer him. I didn't want to.
It was going to bring me in so much pain if I allowed myself to talk to him again.
How many times did I always try to communicate with him, yet he never actually really took me seriously.
I think that was limit for attempting anymore honestly. I was too tired
I ended up in complete misery for the first 3 days, till my emotions numbed down for the rest of the week
it was nice i suppose
not giving a fuck about anyone in that state and not worrying
not feeling sick to your stomach from anxiety from a mere lack of attention or response
not feeling chained down
or trapped
or anxious all the time
or having your entire mood and emotions be completely dependent on him
where one small action or thought could absolutely either make your day or destroy it
that was so painful
but those last four days on numbness felt freeing for a bit
the week finished and the next semester began, it was time for classes again
I was gonna see him and V again
I had absolutely no problems seeing V
I also felt strangely fine seeing S too
although I was more on distancing myself from him
and avoiding him intentionally unless if we were talking about plates
but I couldn't completely ignore him because I became friends with V too
I couldn't turn down her invitation although it meant it was the three of us whenever she invited me
i was fine naman initially although I felt bitter
and so hurt
a funny kind of betrayal
but you couldn't do anything about it because you allowed yourself the disrespect and didn't give yourself enough dignity and respect to have a label and let him do whatever the fuck he wanted
It didn't hurt as much as I thought it would though
Initially.
But the one day came
it was the second week of classes
dismissal time, when V asked me to hang out with her and S again
i was fine
we were just gonnabe eating out anyways
i was just trying to just give them as much space as I could
and giving distance because I didn't want to get in between anything even if that was such a bittersome feeling to do
until he approached me when I was alone
"Talk to me, please."
"You don't talk to me much anymore."
"I missed playing and hanging out with you."
I don't know what came over me that moment
I was trying to brush it off at first
but
the guilt hit me
he asked me to play with him again later
cus that's what we used to always do
although I'll be honest, I always knew those times were never filled with pure intentions
every day
those days
staying up and always on call with him from the afternoon till the next day in the morning whenever there were no classes or if classes were over.
devoting all my time and effort to him playing
although I knew that at the end of that day, he wanted something else
starting in the evening those times
honestly became a scary thing to me
I think that's what also drained me so much
gilded thicket
but
those days
even if draining
meant a lot
cus i genuinely had fun even if the night time became kind of scary
he was the only person I had
like for the genuine closeness, it was only him
i have little respect for myself
i allowed his lust to take over and have control me, and embraced it
i just wanted to be loved
i just wanted someone to care for me
even if i knew he wasn't genuine